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Original poster

Buying my own engagement ring …

74 replies

CJ98 · 29/09/2024 22:28

My boyfriend of two years has recently been hinting that he’s going to propose me and when I asked him what kind of ring he would propose to me with he chose a ring that was completely not my style. I told him I didn’t love the ring when looking online & when he’s asked what ring I would like I haven’t told him as I feel bad. He’s not great with saving money and I know that the ring I absolutely love is extremely expensive and something he wouldn’t be able to afford however I have enough savings to be able to buy the ring & would be more than happy to spend that amount of money on a ring I would absolutely love. Would it be wrong of me to buy my own engagement ring ? I am extremely grateful for the fact he’s still working and providing for us as a family & I know he’d have worked hard for the ring. I just don’t want him to feel like I’m not appreciative of the ring he’d choose if he had the option. I just don’t know how to go about showing him the style of ring I like without him thinking I want the most expensive ring.

OP posts:

Shinyandnew1 · 04/10/2024 09:08

when he’s asked what ring I would like I haven’t told him

You need to communicate honestly if you’re planning to marry this man.

Edingril · 04/10/2024 09:10

AnywhereAnyoneAnyTime · 04/10/2024 08:44

While I agree on your first point that he needs to be more responsible with money, I think that we put too much expectation on men to know what kind of jewellery we’d like.

My DP doesn’t have a clue about jewellery, and wouldn’t have the first idea as to what I might and might not like. But he would be happy to go jewellery shopping with me, and tbh for me that’s part of the experience - getting to look at and in some instances try on loads of jewellery I might otherwise not have the opportunity to.

I think we also put too much emphasis on the engagement ring. Women still expect to be proposed to, they still expect the man to buy them a ring, and they expect them to spend a decent amount on it. And yet they expect to be equal? How is expecting the man to pay for the engagement ring and spend a significant amount of money being equal? If you expect him to buy you an engagement ring what are you buying for him?

Show quote history

Yes all of this, this idea of needing a ring to show off to people seems more important that the marriage it is meant to represent, if I wanted jewellery I would buy it myself

Ineedwinenow · 04/10/2024 09:16

Like another poster my husband and I went ring shopping together and we went halves, he wanted to pay but I insisted on him not having to fund it alone so went halves

autienotnaughty · 04/10/2024 09:22

I would show him the style of ring you want and offer to go halves.

Swiftie1878 · 04/10/2024 10:22

OwlishPeering · 04/10/2024 08:24

Absolutely, the OP’s priority in life should be avoiding making her boyfriend feel useless.🙄

Show quote history

Well, it’s a priority for me with all the people I love. Certainly over me getting a bit of bling.

BigCarMistake · 04/10/2024 14:15

I think this is really interesting in terms of gender norms. Is is still the right message for men that they should be the ‘financial provider’? An engagement ring bought by the man has connotations of ownership. If it’s instead a symbol of commitment to an equal union, I don’t see why you can’t buy your own ring? Particularly if you can preferences with regard style etc.
I think some women use it as a litmus test I.e if he’s willing to shed out a load of money, then he must be really committed but he could just be terrible with money?

Leopardprintlover101 · 04/10/2024 14:40

Can you have a chat and reach some kind of agreement?

A friend of mine went halves with her partner on the ring, another exchanged the ring for one she preferred and paid the difference.

My partner and I have agreed that he will pay for the ring but I will pay for the wedding.

As a couple you can split/sort finances however you deem fit so just have a chat and work something out that you’re both happy with.

WoahThreeAces · 04/10/2024 14:45

I chose and bought my own ring. I told DH that's what I wanted to do when we had a discussion around whether marriage was right for us moving forward. I don't really understand the point of an engagement ring personally (men don't wear them) so I just chose a ring that I liked, to put on "that" finger for when people inevitably asked me about it! I don't wear it now. It doesn't have any significance to me really. I love my wedding ring because DH and I exchanged those and both wear them.

MissSmiley · 04/10/2024 20:52

We decided together to get married after a discussion together. I suggested a ring style and a local jeweller that i that I loved, we had it made, we went halves. He did get down on one knee and "proposed" a day after we collected it. We also went halves on the wedding rings. And the actual wedding a few weeks later.

Itiswhysofew · 04/10/2024 21:03

I think it loses the sentiment if you buy your own ring.

Is what he chose so different from the ring you want?

Ivegotaboneinmyleg · 04/10/2024 21:06

RitzyMcFee · 29/09/2024 22:55

It's not something I would do. I think it's fine to not want the one that isn't your style but buying your own much more expensive ring is just a bit strange I think.

Buy a ring if you want a ring. But it's not your engagement ring.

This. My engagement ring isn't any "fantastically expensive" affair - but the emotional connection to that ring makes it the most precious thing that I own. I remember his anxiety in asking me to marry him, the ring he held as some form of offering...It wasn't super expensive, but it made me feel so very special. Does the cost really matter? It's symbolic of his love...Why doesn't his choice matter in asking you to commit to him for life? 🌸

honeyfox · 04/10/2024 21:11

We visited lots of shops before we got engaged (had agreed to marry) and I couldn't find anything I liked. I just googled it one day, found it and bought it once I'd tried the cubic zirconia mock up one they send out. He contributed about two thirds to the cost and everyone was happy. He then kept it till he proposed a couple of months later. I couldn't wear a ring every day that I hadn't chosen but I'm fussy about jewellery.

Oblomov24 · 04/10/2024 21:13

I disagree with nearly everyone. Why can't she change the ring. If it's done in a loving way. Just say thank you so much but it's not quite ...... and buy the one you want, you are going to be wearing it for 50+ years. No harm done to his ego!

coldcallerbaiter · 04/10/2024 21:22

DarkForces · 29/09/2024 23:20

I bought my own. Dh's ego seems to have survived it

Same, I bought mine. We were quite young, and dh finances were completely tied up with the house purchase at the time. There was no surprise proposal, we just decided to get engaged by discussing it, about one year in to dating.

LivelyHare · 05/10/2024 06:58

OF COURSE you can buy your own ring! He can make a contribution if he likes, but it isn’t necessary. Don’t listen to the old fashioned sentiments that’s being spouted here.

Go get something you love and wear it with pride.

Makelikeatreeandleaf · 05/10/2024 07:12

If he can't put towards a pram or a holiday or a new car are you going to pick up the tab for every big purchase forever? If he's "not great at saving" but got his shit together, saved some money and bought or at least contributed to a ring I think I'd feel a bit more considered. However, his contribution of hinting he may propose so you save him any hassle by sorting it out yourself feels that he is a bit of a lazy arse generally and you are trying very hard to accommodate him.

fossilgap · 05/10/2024 07:22

do not marry this man

AWanderingMinstrel · 05/10/2024 08:05

We bought my “engagement” ring together with joint money two years AFTER we married! I proposed in a leap year when we were poor students, we got married 5 years later in a hurry as he was moving abroad for work, and I needed a visa. I still love my ring even though we did things in a roundabout fashion😂😂.

sassyclassyandsmartassy · 05/10/2024 08:55

If your ring is ‘branded’ don’t be swayed by this, rarely are you getting value for money there as you pay for the brand.

If you like a certain style normally you can find something more cost efficient In the same style, several people we know went to London and had their rings built which worked out far far better value. So, when the time came, DH and I had already discussed (for some years 😂) the style I loved and then he had one built the same way, but more locally.

Its important you like it if you are going to wear it, so work together on your style and within your family budget.

ZippySnail · 06/10/2024 13:27

I really don't see why not if you sit down and explain what you want and how you understand all that he does etc, and that its coming from a good place. More importantly, SHOW US A PHOTO!!!!!

Nanny0gg · 06/10/2024 15:06

Seriously, in this day and age, what is the point of all these performative engagements?

If it's all a surprise and your boyfriend presents you with a ring that's one thing.

But having a discussion that he's 'going to propose' and then you have to buy your own ring -just why?

Agree you're going to get married and then get on with sorting it out. And buy yourselves unusual/beautiful wedding rings

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 06/10/2024 15:24

I would show him the style you like and compromise on the expense of the stone. Eg if you want a big yellow diamond then he can go for a citrine stone instead (that's what my friends did).

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 06/10/2024 15:24

Or if he gets you a cheap engagement ring that you don't like all that much just don't wear it much after you're married just wear your wedding ring

Attelina · 06/10/2024 16:21

Why not look at secondhand rings and get a better value for money I'd be can't afford the one you want?

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