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Original poster

Buying my own engagement ring …

74 replies

CJ98 · 29/09/2024 22:28

My boyfriend of two years has recently been hinting that he’s going to propose me and when I asked him what kind of ring he would propose to me with he chose a ring that was completely not my style. I told him I didn’t love the ring when looking online & when he’s asked what ring I would like I haven’t told him as I feel bad. He’s not great with saving money and I know that the ring I absolutely love is extremely expensive and something he wouldn’t be able to afford however I have enough savings to be able to buy the ring & would be more than happy to spend that amount of money on a ring I would absolutely love. Would it be wrong of me to buy my own engagement ring ? I am extremely grateful for the fact he’s still working and providing for us as a family & I know he’d have worked hard for the ring. I just don’t want him to feel like I’m not appreciative of the ring he’d choose if he had the option. I just don’t know how to go about showing him the style of ring I like without him thinking I want the most expensive ring.

OP posts:
Newyorkcity123 · 03/10/2024 21:42

When I got engaged DH proposed without a ring and then went to a jewellers and picked 3 stones all within his budget. I then went and picked which of the 3 I wanted and was offered a range of settings. This way I got to pick what I wanted but we worked within the budget he had. I love my engagement ring all these years later. Is that possible?

CoastalCalm · 03/10/2024 21:48

We chose ring together , I paid and then he paid me back - he did get me some engagement trainers though to wear til my ring was made and arrived

Hereforaglance · 03/10/2024 21:53

Are you marrying him for a expensive ring and an expensive dress and expensive day out to mive a lifetime of debt or are you marrying him because you want to spend your life with him a ring znd a dress and one day out does not need to be a 3 ring extravaganza that costs thousands upon thousands work out where your priority lies a'd the ring will no longer be significant rem it just one certificate for you to collect

Edingril · 03/10/2024 21:56

OwlishPeering · 29/09/2024 22:50

Yes, his masculinity is much the most important thing here. 🙄

Show quote history

Or the most important thing in a potential is the ring?

RoundAgain · 03/10/2024 22:00

My Granny bought her own engagement ring. It was platinum with a 1 carat diamond or something bonkers like that. My Granny generally kicked ass at life though. No prisoners taken.

They had a long and happy marriage and really splendid grandchildren. <modest>

MumsTheWordYouKnow · 03/10/2024 22:07

Try not to be too ‘wedded’ to one ring 😂
Be open minded and go shopping together. Have a budget, stick to it. Do not buy the ring. It wouldn’t be a good start, making that decision and making him feel bad he couldn’t afford it.

DeliciousApples · 03/10/2024 22:08

Could you pick the save ring in cubic zirconia and tell him you want that ring just now and what size you want, and tell him it's with a view to getting a diamond one the same in due course once we are in a better place financially.

DeliciousApples · 03/10/2024 22:08

Same.

Candyfluffs · 03/10/2024 22:12

Depends really. How much effort is he actually putting in to saving up for this ring? Ideally I’d wait until he could afford it himself or maybe 2/3rds of it. I think you need to be happy with it and be happy with the effort he’s put into getting it for you.

SallySesame · 03/10/2024 22:18

You’re the one who is going to have to wear the ring. If you want to buy something amazing do it.

Zebedee999 · 03/10/2024 22:25

What a sad sad sad materialistic post this is. Flipping awful.

Appreciate I seem to be on my own and most here think a wedding proposal boils down to having a nice ring.

Iwouldratherbemuckingout · 03/10/2024 22:29

We went ring shopping together. He gave me a budget - it was very important to him he bought me an engagement ring though. In the end we went to an antiques centre and found the most beautiful ring. Looked at new too but that was the one. It means so much as it was a gift of love from DH, but I also love it!

Doggymummar · 03/10/2024 22:31

I bought my first one as the one he got was not to my taste. The second one was made from some earrings I already had, might as well get something you like

vincettenoir · 03/10/2024 22:36

If you’re happy to pay for your own ring and he is happy for you to choose and pay I think it’s fine.

But I think those are a couple of big ifs. There’s a risk that in the future you might feel resentful and /or he might feel like you micro-managed something that he wanted to do off his own back.

Willyoushutthefrontdoor · 03/10/2024 22:46

Mine proposed with a haribo because he knew he wouldn't have a clue what I'd choose. In fact I got an idea and changed my mind when we went shopping for one. And I picked. He paid. He had the money. If he didn't there's no way I'd have picked one he couldn't afford. We've been together 12 years, live together and know each others finances and get married in 3 weeks. We picked and he paid for both wedding rings. I paid for other stuff for the wedding so costs are all shared.

MarvellousMonsters · 03/10/2024 23:11

He's 'not good at saving money' and doesn't know you well enough to choose a ring you'd like.

Why are you considering marrying him? Is this really a compatible husband for you?? He needs to learn to be responsible and self controlled enough to manage his finances, and know you well enough to not choose a ring that's completely not your style. Or, you need a different partner.

Welshmonster · 03/10/2024 23:14

If he’s not good with saving money are you sure you want to commit to always paying for everything. Think you have bigger issues.

I bought my own ring. One I liked. Put it in my husbands bedside drawer until he was ready to propose. He would have never got round to buying a ring unless it was already there 😜

Swiftie1878 · 04/10/2024 08:01

Horrible idea. It’ll make him feel less than useless.
It’s his proposal to you. Not yours to yourself.

Justtobeclear · 04/10/2024 08:22

We made a day of it- went ring shopping and lunch (and bubbles). What I thought I wanted I didn’t like when I put on - I still love the design but it just didn’t look right. I love my ring but the memories of that day are the most special. Could you suggest that? Then say you’ll contribute if you find a ring out of budget?

OwlishPeering · 04/10/2024 08:24

Swiftie1878 · 04/10/2024 08:01

Horrible idea. It’ll make him feel less than useless.
It’s his proposal to you. Not yours to yourself.

Absolutely, the OP’s priority in life should be avoiding making her boyfriend feel useless.🙄

ThisIsaNiceDress · 04/10/2024 08:27

OwlishPeering · 04/10/2024 08:24

Absolutely, the OP’s priority in life should be avoiding making her boyfriend feel useless.🙄

Show quote history

Yes, it kind of should… if she loves him and wants to make him her life partner, she should avoid hurting his feelings. And vice versa.

FerienInLipizza · 04/10/2024 08:32

Do women seriously buy their own engagement rings?

I would rather just get married and not bother.

CookieMonster28 · 04/10/2024 08:37

I can't get on board with this idea! Think it's a bit insensitive.

Propose with a 'dummy' ring and then go ring shopping together! My DH did just this and it was brilliant I got to choose exactly what I wanted with his input too! Like PP make a day of it and have a nice lunch etc.

AnywhereAnyoneAnyTime · 04/10/2024 08:44

MarvellousMonsters · 03/10/2024 23:11

He's 'not good at saving money' and doesn't know you well enough to choose a ring you'd like.

Why are you considering marrying him? Is this really a compatible husband for you?? He needs to learn to be responsible and self controlled enough to manage his finances, and know you well enough to not choose a ring that's completely not your style. Or, you need a different partner.

While I agree on your first point that he needs to be more responsible with money, I think that we put too much expectation on men to know what kind of jewellery we’d like.

My DP doesn’t have a clue about jewellery, and wouldn’t have the first idea as to what I might and might not like. But he would be happy to go jewellery shopping with me, and tbh for me that’s part of the experience - getting to look at and in some instances try on loads of jewellery I might otherwise not have the opportunity to.

I think we also put too much emphasis on the engagement ring. Women still expect to be proposed to, they still expect the man to buy them a ring, and they expect them to spend a decent amount on it. And yet they expect to be equal? How is expecting the man to pay for the engagement ring and spend a significant amount of money being equal? If you expect him to buy you an engagement ring what are you buying for him?

Dennaes · 04/10/2024 09:06

He's useless with money and you want to marry him.
So you are happy to be mammy in the relationship?

I do not get the attraction of being the parent in a relationship because your man child partner won't sort themselves out and grow up.
Not fun at all if you have children.
The ring really is the least of it.
A faux ring is a great idea before purchasing a real one.

I think buying your own expensive ring in these circumstances is a bit sad.
Sorry.