Would a counsellor see this as a safeguarding issue?

[Tulip2478]

Iv posted several times before over the years about behavior that I find unacceptable from my H, including possible financial control and being inappropriate sexually while I have been asleep.
Taking advice from posters on here I previously contacted womens aid and have made a resolve to try and change my life for the better. Unfortunately, I am not in a position financially or emotionally to just up and leave my marriage.
I have referred myself for counselling as my depression and panic attacks have increased markedly over the past couple of months. I have one good friend who I confided in who encouraged this but it got me thinking. if I am open and honest fully about what is hurting me right now, (which is things from my childhood and my husbands disrespectful and jokey attitude to things he has done), I am worried a counsellor might see this is a safeguard issue because we have children in the house. This was also the reaction of many posters on here.

There is no physical violence and my children are well looked after and happy, with everything they need given to them. It is more how I feel about the relationship that is the problem. Does anyone here have any idea on the policies regarding situations like this, where the children aren't in immediate danger but there may be elements of abuse? I'm terrified of saying the wrong things and making things worse.

Try BACP
https://www.bacp.co.uk/

Do you mean, would a counsellor set in motion a train of events which would lead to my kids being removed? No, unless you disclosed a load of stuff which you haven't written about here.
However, you don't seem to be taking into consideration that a child witnessing their Mummy being abused - even just overhearing a bit from another room or whilst in bed, or picking up on continual atmospheres or things Mummy is not allowed to do - is suffering a form of abuse themselves. It will be hurting them emotionally.
You could ask for a place in a refuge until housing was sorted out OP - you could leave. Women's Aid staff will support you. Do you have any family support?

Thanks for your message. I understand that witnessing things like that is abuse, I grew up in a household similar. It's not like that in my house, there is nothing I'm not allowed to do or any shouting or atmosphere, it's just what has happened in the past when I have been asleep, and not allowing me to ne on the house or make big decisions, that I'm finding it hard to get past.So it doesnt warrant a place in a refuge or anything like thT. Sometimes it makes me feel pathetic even complaining about it compared to what other people go through. I'll be honest, when I have posted before many posters said my children are at risk of being abused in the same way which is why I was expecting perhaps a counsellor would view it as a safeguarding issue.

@candlewhickgreen Thank you I will look at this tonight.

I was in an extremely coercive relationship (no physical violence but sexual, psychological and financial) and had children at home. My therapist contacted my GP and Social Services who in turn contacted me. At the time I thought that my therapist was completely over the top. She’d also encouraged me to leave and pack Go Bags for myself and the children which I also felt was ridiculous.

I told SS that everything was fine and they never contacted me again. I also stopped seeing my therapist. It took a few years for me to realise that she wasn’t being dramatic at all. I really wish I’d listened.

Please OP, if they do raise a safeguarding please please please take it seriously. They don’t do these things lightly. You don’t have to suffer years of abuse. Just because it’s not in front of the children doesn’t mean they aren’t suffering. My adult child is now in therapy because of the damage those years did to her. It does warrant a refuge place. Sexual and emotional abuse are every bit as serious as physical abuse. Please get help. x

I have had therapy while in a dv situation,

My therapist at the start explained under what conditions and why he would break confidentiality and refer on elsewhere.

I suggest you speak to a therapist and before you actually get started talk to them about what they would refer and why,

It is often not helpful in situations like this for a referral to be made before someone is ready to leave/halfway through a process.

I only gave two examples, there are lots of other factors which could harm them. You have mentioned the damage to your own MH for a start.

Do you want your children to grow up and enter into abusive relationships OP, as you have done, after witnessing abuse? If not (and of course you don't), start to plan to get out.

Hi @Tulip2478 I’ve been on one of your threads and I’m really glad to hear that you are seeking counselling with a view to getting help to leave your husband.

@CrazyGoatLady has given excellent advice. Your counsellor will probably help you to understand the situation you are in and the potential risk to your children. It’s sounds like you would like a third party to do help you do this, and that you want to take steps to remove yourselves from your husband. So do get the counselling, and be honest about all the abuse you’ve faced. They want to help you, not take your children away.

I remember your posts. And crikey, that was years ago!
You must be psychologically unable to evaluate harms and take the correct action to protect yourself, so I wouldn't trust your judgement when it comes to safeguarding.

Leaving someone is a doing thing. You could do that and THEN go to therapy.

My contract says serious harm or serious crime can be immine from confidentiality. If a client divulged a safeguarding issue I would take it to my supervisor and discuss it with the client.

We also say children living in houses with domestic abuse are victims of domestic abuse, whether they are targeted or not

How do you know he's not still raping you in your sleep?

After all, he's just said he should have raped you again yesterday - and could looking away be because you said he used to do it and he doesn't want you to realise from the look on his face that it's still happening?

Or is the fact you aren't taking medication now meaning that you're not sleeping as deeply, and as you're able to constantly stay on alert for another sexual assault, he's not been able to get away with it at present?

@Tulip2478

I do hope you find help and peace one fine day.

Everything that needs to be said, has been said by hundreds of posters over the years. Hope is all that's left.

@QueenCamilla What are you talking about? I have never been offered a place in a refuge! That poster wasn't me, that thread wasn't mine.

@Anonym00se I would take it seriously of course, and know it was in my children's best interests. I understand these people are there to work with you.

I know because we don't sleep in the same bed and haven't done for a while. I'm also an extremely light sleeper which is why before I woke up when he touched or penetrated me in my sleep. But just because its in the past I still find it hard to forgive because of the jokes he used to make about it which are gross and i wont say on here, especially knowing iv been assured in the past in the same position. This and other reasons are why I want to go but I find it so so hard to take that first step.

@QueenCamilla You've got the wrong person. I didn't even have mumsnet when that thread was made, its a different username and i have posted on this username before. I'm not that poor woman who wrote it. And I am portraying everything truthfully here!

Apologies if that wasn't you Tulip. Though it was an easy mistake to make since there is no difference at all in the chain of events and posting style.
You might benefit maybe from reading threads by that poster anyway, as you might find a lot of advice very relevant to your situation.

@QueenCamilla No it definitely wasnt me. its ok, i can see how it is easily done. I did have a look at the thread, it was difficult to read, there are some similarities to my situation.

I'm sure a counsellor would have to report it. If you have safeguarding responsibilities, you report things you're not sure about.

But you also have a duty of confidentiality to the client.

@Blanketyre That doesn't trump safeguarding though...

No it doesn't.