The bubble has popped?

[WithTheirDogAfterTheWar]

Been with my boyfriend for nearly two years - it's fairly long distance so we have two or three weekends a month together, have had a couple of longer holidays. Not currently in any position to make it more full-time, but we've been really serious about each other and our future.

He's going through a really difficult time at the moment (well, for the last several months but it's reaching its conclusion and it's very hard emotionally for him) and a couple of weeks ago he was at mine and did something a bit stupid whilst clearly not thinking straight and it's really hurt me. He spent the rest of the weekend here but it was all very subdued, and then I didn't see him last weekend and so this weekend is the first time we've seen each other again since.

I know he didn't do it on purpose and we've talked about it, he feels terrible, has apologised, etc. But the hurt is still there. I would have said beforehand that I was obsessed with him, always wanted to be touching him, found his little idiosyncrasies endearing, always wanted sex, and so on. I feel like that evening a switch got turned off. The obsession has vanished, I don't feel the need to be in physical contact, and he's just irritating me.

I still really care about him, but ... I guess I want someone to tell me whether this will pass and we can get back to how we were, or whether once that bubble has burst that that's it. And I do know no one else can tell me that! But any thoughts, similar experiences, whatever, would be interesting and possibly useful to hear.

It sounds like you have the Ick.
That doesn't tend to pass.
Better you find out now than after you have unended your life...which is never a good idea anyway.
Can you be more specific as to what he did?

It really does depend what he has done to be honest.

It’s really not possible to say without knowing what he has done.

I didn't really think it was relevant, as I honestly have no idea whether this will seem petty or omg LTB, but ok -

I was cooking dinner, he'd gone upstairs to lie down as he was in pain and had just taken a painkiller (and I thought probably just needed some time alone as he was very upset about his current situation). Then he came down and said one of our local friends had invited him to the pub, and left the house.

So I ate my dinner by myself and chatted to my daughter as if everything was ok, and felt like shit. And I can't get over that feeling like shit.

Ah. It’s the ick. On one of your rare times together, while you’re looking after him by cooking you dinner, he’s walked out for a better offer.
some people recover from this. Some don’t, and sometimes it’s actually them showing you who they really are.

Why didn't he ask you if you wanted to go too?

Either:
A) he's shown you who he really is, or
B) he acted thoughtlessly due to being v overwhelmed due to his current situation.
I would say your emotional response means deep down you know it's A and you don't want a long term future with him anymore

See, this is why I didn't really want to say what it was, as he clearly wasn't in a rational frame of mind when it happened, and in hindsight knows it was completely wrong.

And I could see that he wasn't with it at the time as he was so upset. But I still felt rejected and humiliated. I've told him that he made me feel like my ex husband used to make me feel, and he gets it now, and feels awful. And jesus, I don't want to break up with him whilst he has this other shit going on.

Oh, I absolutely think it's B. Overwhelmed is a good word. But it still made me feel crap and yes, has given me the ick.

Then he came down and said one of our local friends had invited him to the pub, and left the house. So I ate my dinner by myself and chatted to my daughter as if everything was ok,

Whoah OP!!! Has he explained his total disregard and disrespect to you? That is just awful, no wonder you feel like shit - it's because he treated you like shit. Unless he can explain why he treated you so badly you should definitely get rid. Has he apologised or anything?

would have said beforehand that I was obsessed with him, always wanted to be touching him, found his little idiosyncrasies endearing, always wanted sex, and so on

It's normal for that initial "love bubble" phase to pass, but it's usually a gradual thing. Perhaps the strain of supporting him thru his difficulties has put a damper on the relationship?

What he did was inconsiderate but wouldn't necessarily be a deal breaker for me (especially if it was an isolated incident).

I'd say the Honeymoon phase is over and now you'll need to consider whether this is a relationship that can work over the long term.

I think it’s hard when you’re long distance / LAT. my DP is over an hour away and we see each other once or twice a week (both have kids). If one of you isn’t on form, especially if it’s for a while / likely to be a while, it’s horrid when you get relatively little time together.

as a single mum I end up doing a lot of caregiving, so I try to let / ask DP to look after me a bit when I’m at his house. I definitely feel less attracted to someone if it’s too imbalanced. Does he reciprocate when you’re at his - cook for you etc?

I would do a couple of things - wait it out a bit, and maybe book a night away somewhere if you can and reset a bit. Dinner out, no phones etc.

Did he say why he did it?

I think it's one of those things where the two people could feasibly have different interpretations - "I'm cooking dinner as an act of care for us all to bond together" Vs "she's cooking dinner to feed us and her daughter, she probably won't mind if I skip it this once".

I think when something happens that 'pops the bubble' especially if it takes you back to a bad time, you cannot fix the bubble, you've 'seen' they're not actually the perfect person you thought they were. You can't get that feeling back. It's not always a bad thing (it's more realistic') but it depends whether it's a solid relationship or just something that was making you feel happy & infatuated 'in the moment'.

It doesn't bode well for the future OP is he's going to drop the rope so to speak as soon as life gets tough.

You also have your daughter to think of. I'm a solo mum and my son always came as nr. 1. He's an adult now, lives independently and we have a great relationship.

Dismissive and thoughtless.

If you don’t want to break up you can just give it time and not force yourself to be as affectionate as you were. He will have to regain your trust. It’s on him.

He would cook for me all the time, whether at mine or his, he is a person who really wants to look after everyone. It's fairly rare for me to cook for us, which is probably why it felt worse.

And his explanation was that he didn't feel right (which I could see) and needed to get out. If he'd spent 5 minutes saying that at the time I would probably have felt better (if not ok).

depends whether it's a solid relationship or just something that was making you feel happy & infatuated 'in the moment'

That's a good way of phrasing it, @AutumnTimeForCosy24 .

We tend to dismiss/overlook a lot during that initial infatuation stage, but that isn't reality. And that stage is generally extended in long distance relationships.

I think YABU. No one is perfect, if this is the hardest hurdle you have to face or the worst behaviour you see from him in a lifetime together (which it sounds like you're considering) I'd say you've been extremely lucky.

Seems like throwing the baby out with the bathwater to chuck away two years and a future together over a single shitty evening that he's remorseful about.

I think whatever this big problem he has going on is affecting his coping skills and ability to be in and prioritise a relationship. That's an awful lot for you to take on especially when it's a trigger for you. He probably needs to be in his own at the moment although it's hard to say for sure without knowing what the thing is. The thing about long distance is you're often pining for each other so the time together is precious but it's not the same when you're in a day to day mundane relationship. So you probably do need to check in about your own thought processes too.

It sounds like the "switch" is that you're angry at him. I think you should explore the reasons for that anger, maybe resentment has been building up over time and you've not been standing your ground? I'd not throw away a good relationship over this one incident, id try to get to the root of the feeling.

I still felt rejected and humiliated. I've told him that he made me feel like my ex husband used to make me feel,

This makes me think this is in you actually.
Yes he could have said things in a different way.
But you recognise yourself there are many genuine reasons why he wasn’t that thoughtful. You genuinely think he didn’t want to upset you and was overwhelmed by outside issues.

But the way he acted triggered bad memories/trauma for you.
And it happened on something quite small.

I think you need to revisit what has happened with your ex and work though it (with a counsellor). Because, regardless of whether you’re still with him or not, you simply can’t expect someone to never make you feel rejected again.

You both sound quite intense, which is never a good recipe for relationship longevity.

Thanks, a lot of helpful and insightful replies here. I do agree that it's more my reaction than the actual thing. The last few years of my marriage weren't happy and have left a few scars.

We've talked about doing some proactive/prophylactic couples counselling if we got to the point of wanting to move in together, and he's been seeing a counsellor this year to support with his situation, but doing something for myself is probably a good idea.

Whoever answered, YABU, that wasn't the question - wrong forum 😄

And no actually @cherrysonata we're not particularly intense, especially me tbh. So the odd times when something does ambush me with an emotional reaction I can't control are pretty unsettling.

Well he obviously wasn't in that much pain or terribly upset if he could manage to go out and leave you to eat your dinner alone.

I would have a good long hard think about things.