The bubble has popped?

[WithTheirDogAfterTheWar]

Been with my boyfriend for nearly two years - it's fairly long distance so we have two or three weekends a month together, have had a couple of longer holidays. Not currently in any position to make it more full-time, but we've been really serious about each other and our future.

He's going through a really difficult time at the moment (well, for the last several months but it's reaching its conclusion and it's very hard emotionally for him) and a couple of weeks ago he was at mine and did something a bit stupid whilst clearly not thinking straight and it's really hurt me. He spent the rest of the weekend here but it was all very subdued, and then I didn't see him last weekend and so this weekend is the first time we've seen each other again since.

I know he didn't do it on purpose and we've talked about it, he feels terrible, has apologised, etc. But the hurt is still there. I would have said beforehand that I was obsessed with him, always wanted to be touching him, found his little idiosyncrasies endearing, always wanted sex, and so on. I feel like that evening a switch got turned off. The obsession has vanished, I don't feel the need to be in physical contact, and he's just irritating me.

I still really care about him, but ... I guess I want someone to tell me whether this will pass and we can get back to how we were, or whether once that bubble has burst that that's it. And I do know no one else can tell me that! But any thoughts, similar experiences, whatever, would be interesting and possibly useful to hear.

Honestly, he was in no state to go out - was out for 2 hours/2 pints, had to be walked back from the pub by our friend, fell over on the way home, then crashed out and slept for 36 hours. Not really with it.

Regardless of anything else here, that would be a deal-breaker for me. I wouldn't want to be with someone who gets into states like that.

Life is gritty, his life is gritty right now. He’s going to act out of character and I suppose, you have to ask yourself if you’d like to stick by until he comes through again.
You know why you have reacted the way you have and he’s recognised that he made you feel that way and apologised genuinely by the sounds of things.
I’m going to go out on a limb and assume your ex would not have recognised and acknowledged it in the way he has so maybe give yourself a little time, you may see it as it is in some time and your ick may subside … which it often does because when you look back on this, you’ll see it as such an out of character event and your reaction is partly because of past experience with someone else, the feeling may fade if you just let it sit for now!

Yes, none of us should ever have less than perfectly robust mental health or struggle to deal with massive forced life changes. 🙄

Tbh I think this is a small thing to move past. He cocked up a bit, wasn't thinking and made a small error. He's apologised and you've discussed it. Put it to bed and move on if everything is otherwise okay.

It’s the disrespect and disregard for you.

Gad he said, Bobs down the pub so I may join him later, that would be different , but you were in the middle of cooking, and he just upped and left. Plus he said he was feeling poorly five minutes earlier, and had gone to lay down. Mixed messages. One minute too poorly to socialise, next minute had gone out.

This is why I didn't originally say what had happened. Because my question was more about my feelings rather than his stupid actions.

We communicate well generally and we've talked about it a lot and he's really listened to me and been his usual lovely self. So we'll see how it goes.

I really have appreciated all the replies, they've helped me reflect on it.

You sound dramatic.

You are used to having him 24/7 when it's your time together but life isn't like that.

Are you saying that you felt disappointed that he wasn't caring/thoughtful towards you? He left abruptly rather than telling you his reasons for leaving and thus making sure you were OK with him vanishing off - and he didn't acknowledge that you were being caring by making dinner and encouraging him to rest? So you felt as if he wasn't looking out for your feelings?

Has he been very caring and thoughtful until now, so that this was particularly hurtful? Did it remind you in a specific way of your ex? Has it felt until now as if your new dp is the opposite of your ex, and now that idealised image has been tainted?

Be careful OP, don´t dismiss mental health problems. It is an important factor in a relationship. My husband has been in this hamsters wheel mentally for 6 years now, all my daughter´s life, and it is relentless, we see no end to it and it has really affected our marriage and his relationship with our daughter, not mentioning meaning almost economic ruin as he now doesn´t work and everything falls to me.
I perfectly understand the PP who says she wouldn´t want this intensity in her relationship. If I could sign it away I would. He is my husband and we have a daughter, but if only a boyfriend I would have told him, I go my way you go yours.

Yes to all of this, even down to the specifics of feeling he's the opposite to my exh.

What was so urgent to rush off and meet up with someone else when you were about to have dinner together? It would have to be a bloody good reason. Didn't you say dinner will be ready in 30 mins (or however long)? I would have been furious and he may have found the door locked when he came back.

he is a person who really wants to look after everyone
This is lovely when you've spent a while with someone who doesn't give a shit about you. No wonder you've idealised him. My ex was inconsiderate, and really ramped it up before we broke up. I always used to have to swallow ex's behaviour with no hint of an apology because he "couldn't help it" or "didn't realise" - even if his behaviour left me waiting for hours in the cold or whatever, and he would have "realised" if he'd used his brain. Like you, I was delighted to discover that my current dp is considerate and willing to put others first. On the few occasions when he's acted slightly more selfishly I've felt very disappointed.

My dp has always managed to win me round by giving me an unprompted apology showing he knows exactly why I might be upset, and accepting the blame with no ifs or buts. Your guy has been apologetic too, right? But maybe it would have been more effective if he'd not needed prompting, or if he'd just apologised without the idea coming up of him being less to blame because of the situation he's in?

You've only known each other a couple of years long-distance. Maybe he's not the one for you. Or maybe it's more about your ex than it is about him.

Sounds like you're self-reflective and aware of what's triggering you, but perhaps counselling for you would help too. I found just talking about it laid a lot of ghosts to rest.

Do you struggle with heightened emotions around being ignored / abandoned? Does a perceived rejection make you feel insecure or angry or like you want to retaliate or protect yourself by dumping them before they leave / dump you?

My dad often used silent treatment as punishment and later during my parents divorce he went NC for several years and it's left me with a huge anxiety. Someone walking off, emotionally backing off or not showing up can trigger an emotional over reaction on my part. My immediate physicak reaction is just like I used to feel when I was a kid. My instinctive emotional response is that I don't need/ want them anymore, I want to flounce off and show them that I don't care or tell them to go and never come back... I have to fight that urge and wait until I'm back on an even keel.