Please help give me some perspective!?

[Leena4782]

I need some honest (brutal if needed) insight into my relationship. I'm feeling very lost and lonely and a bit hurt and honestly almost ready to call it a day. A little background- we have been together coming up 8 years. We met when he was fresh out of a divorce - we had so much fun the first few years and so many great times together. I would say he was my first long term relationship (longest I had been in a relationship previously was 2 years and I was quite young at the time). I was 25 when we met and he was 35. I think I've always been aware that our communication has not been amazing but it has become much more evident since having children. We have 2 beautiful children 3.5 years and 10 months so I'm well aware we are also still in the new baby fog so to speak. We are so busy and both so tired and I really really do get that and I've really tried to be realistic in my expectations during this time. Our relationship has struggled since our first baby was born and we've really struggled to improve things. On a day to day basis we co parent together just fine - but once the kids are in bed I just want to be alone as I really feel we have nothing to talk about anymore. We have really lost the emotional intimacy that we had and I'm not sure how or if we can get it back- or if we ever really had it and was it just the physical attraction and excitement hat held things together the first few years. We've had many discussions over the past few years about how I need more in the way of affection and intimacy - I've always known that our needs differ a lot in this area and I've tried to keep my expectations realistic in thinking that we are different people and we need to meet each other halfway but I feel like a part of me has honestly died? I feel completely starved of physical affection and emotional intimacy. There is nothing initiated by him - ever. When we discuss things he promises to try and will do so for 2-3 days max and then back to the same same. Hes a good man. He's not a bad person. He has a good heart and is a fantastic father but why is it so so hard for him to show me he loves me?? I'm really feeling increasingly resentful and hurt. I should add i believe he has undiagnosed ADHD which I have encouraged him to seek support for many many times and he has chosen not too. He constantly forgets important conversations and things we have discussed. Hes messy, chaotic and unreliable and needs reminding 10 times about everything. Manages well at work but it seems the wheels fall off at home. I've always felt really a bit sad at birthday times due to minimal effort on his part. I've thought maybe my expectations are too high or we just have different thoughts on the importance of birthdays. I wanted to set him up for success this year honestly and I wanted him to model to our older boy that his mummy is worth celebrating and putting a bit of time and effort into. I explicitly discussed with him last week that I didn't want any presents this year (money is very tight as I am still on maternity lwave) but that I wanted him to bake a carrot cake with cream cheese icing with our older boy and make a birthdsy card together for me and that we could just do a super casual morning tea as a family or something and I would be stoked. Life is chaotic and I really wanted it to be a nice day and for him to be able to get it right. He agreed (we've had two discussions about it) and today I mentioned to him that my mum is picking our boy up on the night before my birthday for a sleepover so maybe do cake etc on the Saturday morning '- well he had no idea what I was talking about. Absolutely no idea, no recollection of the conversation at all. Asked me if I had organized a cake. I know this probably seems so so small and silly -, but it's not about the cake. It's not about the stupid card. Its about remembering what was important to me and putting in the smallest bit of effort and modeling this to our children. I feel super hurt and can hardly look at him. Part of me feels I am being silly, part of me wants to tell him we are done (obviously not because of this but a few quite painful years relationship maybe this just feels like the straw that broke the cammels back?). I don't know what to do. Am I being ridiculous? Is it too much to ask for my partner to put a little effort into our relationship and make me feel loved and important?

Why did his first marriage fail?

@DustyLee123 from what he has told me in snippets (hard to get much out of him) along the lines of poor communication. He is very avoidant of anything deep or serious and will shut down when put under any pressure whatsoever if I try and discuss any issues. Things therefore get swept under the carpet but the same issues have been coming up for years with no resolution as he would rather plod along in an unhappy relationship that have a serious discussion. He grew up in a family that showed no emotion whatsoever and never talked about anything and I don't doubt why that is the way he is but it is so so challenging to build and maintain a healthy relationship with someone like this. Just feel its dead in the water sometimes.

It would be interesting to know from his first wife what caused the breakup, as it doesn’t seem from your description that he’d actually know.
The thing is, he’s not going to change, so you either accept him as he is and work with it, or you end it for your sanity.

Is this how you want to live the rest of your life?

"Is it too much to ask for my partner to put a little effort into our relationship and make me feel loved and important?"
It is not too much. The cake thing would upset me too. Have you considered couples counselling?

This is a really sad situation, and i completely understand how you are feeling. You need someone to just be putting you first in their thoughts. Just for a while every now and again, and to give you the hugs and kisses that make you feel wanted.
It sounds as though he really struggles to express his feelings and emotions and is easily overwhelmed. I imagine being busy with children doesn't help this situation.
As the other posters have said there is a very slim chance he will change. You either need to find a way to work with his behaviour and still lead a life where you are happy or move on.
Sorry to be saying that, but based on what you have said that is my honest opinion.
And as far as cake goes that was a very very tiny ask.

@DustyLee123 i think your right i think he was probably bloody confused about the whole thing to be honest. I imagine it was a similar situation to this with her requesting change for years and then getting fed up but its like he's just completely unable to sustain any ongoing effort? I don't understand it as he really is a good man. He loves his family and friends and would do anything for them. He would do anything for me I asked in terms of acts of service (definstelt his love language) but that doesent make me feel loved. I think its dawning on me that perhaps he really is not capable of the relationship I crave but I keep holding out hope that we will get there - but maybe we really never will? I feel so sad because I love him but I feel unloved and unimportant and I don't want to live my life like this and I don't want it modeled to my children.

Couldn't read and run. This sounds really tough and utterly exhausting to live with. Not remembering conversations and not talking about things is so frustrating. At times I imagine you think you're going mad.
I think you need to decide what is right for you and your children long term.
He clearly has some issues, but if he won't accept that and possibly seek help then you have to decide whether to stay and manage it or separate.
I've been in an abusive relationship so understand some of the difficulties - not that you are in one but there sound like some similarities from my experience.
Wish you well.

@BettyBardMacDonald no! I'm so so sad. I keep hoping things will improve - but each time something like this happens I feel I remove myself a little more from the relationship and shut down a bit more. I was such a happy bright bubbly confident affectionate loving person coming into this relationship and I just feel so so sad and not myself anymore. I love him bit is that enough in a relationship like this? I don't know.

Maybe if it's getting to the breaking point for you, make it a condition of continuing to try that he follows up on getting support for ADHD?

I don't think it's fair to expect you to put it all down to that but do nothing to help himself.

@MeMyselfIgor yes. I have asked many times over the years and again he's been very reluctant. He has agreed to come to a few sessions once I am back at work in a few months as I get funded sessions through work. I do feel he only agreed as I had told him how unhappy I was and that I was seriously considering leaving. I definately don't feel I can end it without at least seeing a counselor for a few sessions. I've seen a psychologist for 4 sessions (mainly to do with the relationship) and she thought he sounded very dismissive avoidant in terms of attachment and said that these issues can be overcome but both parties need to be equally invested. I'm just not sure he's motivated enough to really work to change things.

My Husband wouldn’t have a clue how to make a carrot cake. Maybe if you had suggested him buying a cake with your son it would have been more realistically achieved.

@Leena4782 you hit the nail on the head when you said he needs to be invested in it to change. It never works when only one partner really cares about the relationship.

@GarrynotsoGorilla your so right he really struggles - he's not being nasty or trying to hurt me - he genuinely i think struggles to have these conversations and show emotion or affection/love outwardly. And your right he does get very easily overwhelmed and his defense mechanism is just to shut down which hurts me more. I honestly put this down to his upbringing but the reality is I can't change him as a person can I? I appreciate your message/opinion. I know i can't live like this. I've tried for years to accept that we show love in different ways etc etc but I'm just so so sad and lonely. I'd rather be single than in a relationship feeling unloved and unimportant. Our older boy is also super smart and sensitive and picks up on others feelings very easily and I know he knows something is off. I gave my partner a big cuddle in the kitchen the other day to try and make an effort (our boy was watching and said mummy why are you hugging daddy??) Thats how unusual affection is! :(

The cake and card thing is annoying but it seems a bit prescriptive "carrot cake and cream cheese frosting and a homemade card". Would cake and a card have been ok?

When you say "intimate" do you mean sex?

What do you do in the evening when the kids are in bed. Can you try to use that time to re-establish a bond rather than analysing everything. I hear a lot of psychologist speak in your post.

If he does have an undiagnosed condition, he’s not going to be able to change, it’s in him.
You mentioned the children, and you need to be careful that the children don’t see your relationship as normal, and then model themselves on it.

@Leena4782 makes me so sad to hear your children questioning affection in your relationship. I completely get how draining it is to be the one in the relationship that seeks affection and intimacy, when the other doesn't. As you say and i get it you want your children to understand what a healthy relationship looks like. Really wish you all the best with this. Changing someone is usually near impossible, and often they will resent you for it x

@category12 yes I think he definately needs to take some initiative and responsibility with this. I've tried to approach it in so many different ways with very little success. If its a neurodiversity that he can get support with that may improve things not only for us but for him as well I just don't see why he wouldn't just do it.

@MSLRT i really didn't care that much about the cake to be fair. It could taste like shit and I wouldn't care. I wanted him to spend time with our child doing something for me rather than pop to the supermarket and buy a $5 cake - I wanted him to model to them that I am important and this is how we treat people we love and care about we invest time and thought into them.

firstly does he want you to be prescriptive about what you want for your birthday? (Some men do because they’re worried aborj getting it wrong, maybe others don’t)

secondly, once he realised you’d had a conversation about the cake previously (and presumably he’d agreed and said he’d like to do that?), was he apologetic about forgetting?

I think that would make a big difference to me.
if he recognises he is very forgetful and things fall out of his head, but would be mortified if you interpreted that as him not caring, then you could develop strategies to deal with that eg having a shared phone calendar and you putting it in there “make cake with ds”.

but if he seems totally unconcerned that you’ve been upset by this, and if that’s how things are regularly then that sounds hard to come back from.

@Mumofoneandone thankyou for your comment. It is frustrating and I often question if I'm the issue and expecting too much but I really don't think thats the case. I'm sorry you've experienced a relationship like that and I agree there are probably similarities- i guess the difference is the intent behind it. He does not want to hurt me - but is hurting me regardless.

I think most men would appreciate this prescriptive approach to your birthday. Being imaginative and creative isn't always easy. I see how you are trying to make this easier for him to show his love to you. Good luck whatever you choose x

@hopeishere maybe a bit prescriptive yes. I've been so disappointed every other year so really wanted to explicitly give him some guidance on what I wanted! He could have made any bloody cake and I would have been happy it really wasn't about the cake but the time and effort and modeling to our children. No I don't mean sex (we haven't had sex in over a year) - I mean cuddles kisses any form of physical affection whatsoever. In the evenings i generally duck off to bed once the kids are in bed - think I find it easier to be alone than be reminded of how bad things are. Affection feels forced and awkard and I get the feeling he also wants to be alone to be honest. Its tough. I know I need to put more effort in but after years of trying I'm so so tired. The psychology talk probably came from seeing the psychologist!

I don't think you can go on like this - if he's not meeting your efforts then it's doomed.

You can't make a marriage work on your own.

@User364837 thanks for your comment. I'm not sure. I think he is the type of man that definately appreciates instructions rather than bejng left to use his initiative. I've never given him birthday instructions before but always felt a bit sad and let down so I thought maybe if I just tell him what I want this year he won't feel he's failed again and I will be happy enough. He was genuinely baffled and diesent remember the conversation. Yes he agreed at the time. Hes definately apologetic yes and annoyed at himself but that's where it stops. No ongoing efforts to put things in place to stop these situations happening. I guess that's where the frustration lies. If he said to me oh God I'm really struggling what can we put in place so this doesent keep happening? I'd feel like maybe he was meeting me half way and making an effort but that never happens. Its just me directing and reminding and nagging and I'm so so 😫 tired