Please help give me some perspective!?

[Leena4782]

I need some honest (brutal if needed) insight into my relationship. I'm feeling very lost and lonely and a bit hurt and honestly almost ready to call it a day. A little background- we have been together coming up 8 years. We met when he was fresh out of a divorce - we had so much fun the first few years and so many great times together. I would say he was my first long term relationship (longest I had been in a relationship previously was 2 years and I was quite young at the time). I was 25 when we met and he was 35. I think I've always been aware that our communication has not been amazing but it has become much more evident since having children. We have 2 beautiful children 3.5 years and 10 months so I'm well aware we are also still in the new baby fog so to speak. We are so busy and both so tired and I really really do get that and I've really tried to be realistic in my expectations during this time. Our relationship has struggled since our first baby was born and we've really struggled to improve things. On a day to day basis we co parent together just fine - but once the kids are in bed I just want to be alone as I really feel we have nothing to talk about anymore. We have really lost the emotional intimacy that we had and I'm not sure how or if we can get it back- or if we ever really had it and was it just the physical attraction and excitement hat held things together the first few years. We've had many discussions over the past few years about how I need more in the way of affection and intimacy - I've always known that our needs differ a lot in this area and I've tried to keep my expectations realistic in thinking that we are different people and we need to meet each other halfway but I feel like a part of me has honestly died? I feel completely starved of physical affection and emotional intimacy. There is nothing initiated by him - ever. When we discuss things he promises to try and will do so for 2-3 days max and then back to the same same. Hes a good man. He's not a bad person. He has a good heart and is a fantastic father but why is it so so hard for him to show me he loves me?? I'm really feeling increasingly resentful and hurt. I should add i believe he has undiagnosed ADHD which I have encouraged him to seek support for many many times and he has chosen not too. He constantly forgets important conversations and things we have discussed. Hes messy, chaotic and unreliable and needs reminding 10 times about everything. Manages well at work but it seems the wheels fall off at home. I've always felt really a bit sad at birthday times due to minimal effort on his part. I've thought maybe my expectations are too high or we just have different thoughts on the importance of birthdays. I wanted to set him up for success this year honestly and I wanted him to model to our older boy that his mummy is worth celebrating and putting a bit of time and effort into. I explicitly discussed with him last week that I didn't want any presents this year (money is very tight as I am still on maternity lwave) but that I wanted him to bake a carrot cake with cream cheese icing with our older boy and make a birthdsy card together for me and that we could just do a super casual morning tea as a family or something and I would be stoked. Life is chaotic and I really wanted it to be a nice day and for him to be able to get it right. He agreed (we've had two discussions about it) and today I mentioned to him that my mum is picking our boy up on the night before my birthday for a sleepover so maybe do cake etc on the Saturday morning '- well he had no idea what I was talking about. Absolutely no idea, no recollection of the conversation at all. Asked me if I had organized a cake. I know this probably seems so so small and silly -, but it's not about the cake. It's not about the stupid card. Its about remembering what was important to me and putting in the smallest bit of effort and modeling this to our children. I feel super hurt and can hardly look at him. Part of me feels I am being silly, part of me wants to tell him we are done (obviously not because of this but a few quite painful years relationship maybe this just feels like the straw that broke the cammels back?). I don't know what to do. Am I being ridiculous? Is it too much to ask for my partner to put a little effort into our relationship and make me feel loved and important?

I think you are trying so hard to find an acceptable reason for why he is the way he is, your not seeing things clearly for what they are. You say he would do anything for those he cares about, that he expresses love through acts of acts of service. But isn’t that exactly what the homemade cake and card were?

If he is self aware enough to have told you how his parents’ lack of communication caused him to be a poor communicator then he’s telling you that your children are likely to become the same.

He’s told you that was the cause of his previous marriage ending so he didn’t need you to tell him your marriage is heading the same way.

If he has the capacity to do anything for others, to function adequately at work it seems to me he just can’t be arsed to do the same for you and his home life. I hope you’ll be able to get that resolved through couple’s counselling but I suspect, as he is already aware of the problem and the solution, any change won’t be permanent

You say he’s a good guy and a good father, so the relationship isn’t an abusive one. The issue is communication styles. You say he doesn’t remember things when you tell him. Some people, especially if they have asn like adhd don’t retain information expressed verbally. So he may need it in another format. Does he text? If so, send him a text full of, “I” statements so he doesn’t feel attacked. Tell him how you feel. For example,

“I feel very sad and lonely because I would love to be closer to you by having more physical contact like hugs and kisses every day. It makes me feel sad to not feel close to you. I need you to help me by showing me you love me in ways I understand like giving hugs and kisses every day or being playful with a pat on the bum, etc. it would also help me if you could do little things to celebrate special occasions like my birthday, Mother’s Day and our anniversary. I love you very much and I want to make our relationship work and these are the things I need to feel loved and connected to you. I am always here to discuss anything you want about this or anything else in our relationship. Even if that means doing it through text. I know it can be hard to remember to do these things as our life is so busy with the children but maybe you could set some daily reminders in your phone until we get into the habit of doing these things that I need. I’m open to any suggestions.”

Make it about you and what you need him to do because he’s an acts of service guy make it a service you need from him. I hope this helps. Communication is key. Try to find ways that work for you as a couple. Read up on how to communicate. Read up on adhd.

@TipsyJoker definately not abusive- your right just differing communication and ways of expressing love i think plus possibly undiagnosed neurodiversty complicating things. Thanks for your comment I really like the way you have worded it and I think I will suggest the written reminders as opposed to him relying on his memory after a verbal discussion.

@TipsyJoker think I just find it frustrating as surely he knows this is something he struggles with-, at what point as an adult is it your responsibility to put things in place to minimize the effects of that on the people around you? I can make suggestions but he actually has to want or be bothered to put things in place and thats where I feel it falls over -, if I don't constantly nag and remind him to put a reminder in his calender etc it wouldn't get done, just another thing I have to think about and another thing he perceives as nagging. Its so hard to find a middle ground.

Does he remember important things for other events like work meeting/events, children’s birthdays, parents birthdays, doctors appointments, etc? If he needs reminding for all of those things too, it prob is something he isn’t doing in purpose. You’re right, he does need to take responsibility but he might need support to get the right methods in place that work for him if it is neurodiversity. He may be reluctant as admitting the problem might scare him. Often ND people have trouble processing emotions as well as executive functioning issues. I realise this is tough for you. I have a child with asn and it’s so frustrating that they have little ability to learn from mistakes and will repeat things over and over. They genuinely don’t mean it. But it is challenging to live with. I would suggest that if you can manage to get some communication happening, in whatever form that takes, you could then move on to discuss the need for an assessment for adhd in order to serve not only your DH but your marriage and your DC. Again, use his acts of service drive to encourage him to make changes for the family as a whole. It will benefit all of you.

@TipsyJoker hes not got a good track record no. He forgot his mums 70th birthday and the one the year before and he was gutted with himself. Your right maybe if I helped him to get some strategies in place initially he would be more inclined to stick with them if its something that he's finding helpful. He absolutely has issues with executive functioning and processing/displaying emotions - all ties in together doesent it! I know that his quality of life would be better if he got some help and support so I think i will really try to push for an assessment. I think it would also help me to know that actually hes not doing these things from a place of being malicious but he is having a hard time managing due to the way his brain is wired rather than me automatic assumption which is that i must be unimportant to him. Thankyou for the comment and tips. I really appreciate it.

It’s hard not to take it personally but if it is adhd or ASD, then it really isn’t personal or intentional. That doesn’t negate your feelings. But it does change it from being intentional to unintentional. I would try to come from the perspective of getting an assessment as another act of service to the family, for himself but also for you and his child. It would also mean that you could get support to help you help him. I hope you can get some resolution to this because it seems like you have a lovely family and there’s a lot of love and it would be a shame to lose that due to unmet needs on both sides.