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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is my partner cheating

28 replies

FlakyBrickTiger · 28/09/2024 22:32

A few weeks ago I found an unopened box of Tadalafil. I googled what they were for as I have never heard of them. Then this week I have found just 1 of those tablets. We haven’t had sex in a long time so if he isn’t using them on me then who is he using them for? I have read some men use them for the gym but be doesn’t do that either. We have been together 13 years and have children. I feel he is hiding something? Please give me so thoughts….

OP posts:
username0489 · 28/09/2024 22:39

I'd never heard of it so looked it up, it's for a few conditions not just erectile dysfunction. I think you need to have a conversation with your husband about your relationship.

Neodymium · 28/09/2024 22:44

Seems like it’s most common usage is ED. Have you asked him about them?

Daisys24 · 29/09/2024 00:39

Don’t bother asking. You will get bullshit like I did about them. Took me another 2 years to find out about the affair because he knew I was on to him.

loropianalover · 29/09/2024 00:42

How many is in a full pack? I ask because if it’s e.g. 30 and you found a full pack ‘a few weeks ago’ (3-4 maybe?) it might suggest he is taking one per day.

I presume if he is using them to get an erection he should be only a small dose (1 tablet) as needed. It doesn’t sound realistic that he’s having sex with an affair partner every day?

EdgeOfSixty · 29/09/2024 00:52

Tadalafil can either be an 'event' dose eg 20mg as required or daily lower dose at 5mg. It stays in the body for I think 36 hours, unlike Viagra which wears off quickly in comparison.

Original poster
FlakyBrickTiger · 29/09/2024 05:12

I think it was around 30,but I have also found viagra before. Like I said we haven’t been sleeping together due to many issues and it’s been a while so who is he taking them for? The other reasons they are used are prostate problems and to get a build up at the gym. He doesn’t go to the gym. For these tablets to work you have to be sexually aroused so surely he must be getting something elsewhere. I will talk to him I just know I will blow my top. I want to sound like this is the only reason because he always talks his way out of everything and it ends up my fault.

OP posts:
MayaPinion · 29/09/2024 07:56

If you haven’t had sex for ages then it’s entirely plausible that he is seeking it somewhere else. You’re pretty much friends and housemates now rather than romantic partners. Would it surprise you to know he was having an affair?

Original poster
FlakyBrickTiger · 29/09/2024 09:48

No I guess not. I knew it would be my fault. Surely I’m worthy of being treated better than that after years of being together and 2 kids. We have reasons for no sex, we have been trying to get back on track finding our love for each other if that makes sense. I thought I could trust him and the fact that it looks like I can’t is heart breaking.

OP posts:
GarrynotsoGorilla · 29/09/2024 10:31

So why have you not been in love with each other? How long has it been like that? Why did you fall out of love? It does sound like he is getting it elsewhere, sorry to say. But you need to talk and communicate.

Original poster
FlakyBrickTiger · 29/09/2024 12:45

We have had issues because he was keeping things from me and my trust just disappeared and we have been working on becoming us again. I can’t just sleep with him and forget how much he has hurt me. It does seem that he doesn’t care.
No he doesn’t have any health issues like that. He has been getting them online and they haven’t been delivered here, they have gone to work as I found the packaging. He is hiding something and I’m scared to find out what. But this was my first post on here hoping someone had an answer that would make me change my mind and think it’s something else.

OP posts:
Hoosemover · 29/09/2024 14:25

Sorry to hear this. If I was you need start looking throw the paperwork in preparation for divorce and instruct a good lawyer.

He could be making moves as well. To be taken medication everyday he must get action more than random hookups.

MayaPinion · 29/09/2024 15:00

FlakyBrickTiger · 29/09/2024 09:48

No I guess not. I knew it would be my fault. Surely I’m worthy of being treated better than that after years of being together and 2 kids. We have reasons for no sex, we have been trying to get back on track finding our love for each other if that makes sense. I thought I could trust him and the fact that it looks like I can’t is heart breaking.

It’s not your fault as such, and in my post I did not blame you. It’s his behaviours that have caused this reaction in you.

Redannie118 · 29/09/2024 15:02

I'm female and take Tadalafil for Raynauds, but if that's the reason he was taking it I can't see why he wouldn't tell you?
I found Viagra in my ex DH bag, that's how I knew he was having an affair.

Original poster
FlakyBrickTiger · 29/09/2024 16:17

If it was for medical issues he would tell me, I'm sure of it. He has been away this weekend so I've had a little look around. I have found Vardenafil now which again I had to google, it's for the same thing really. How can I approach this subject without just accusing him and causing an argument. I am pretty sure something is going on. He must be taking them during the day as I don't see him taking anything, maybe it's someone at work. I feel sick thinking about it.

OP posts:
sunflowersngunpowdr · 29/09/2024 21:24

When the sex goes the relationship is dead.

ooopsinamechangedagain · 29/09/2024 21:29

probably if you're not being intimate, it's unlikely he's going to sit around accepting celibacy for the rest of his life. However, it's no excuse. He's a lying cheater and should have had the conversation with you, that he can not continue the relationship without sex, rather than seeking it elsewhere behind your back. Don't have a conversation with him about it, he will deny and hide it better. Just go digging yourself, do you have access to his phone/ location?

Original poster
FlakyBrickTiger · 30/09/2024 06:37

sunflowersngunpowdr · 29/09/2024 21:24

When the sex goes the relationship is dead.

I don't think that is always the case but thanks for your honesty.

OP posts:
Original poster
FlakyBrickTiger · 30/09/2024 06:40

ooopsinamechangedagain · 29/09/2024 21:29

probably if you're not being intimate, it's unlikely he's going to sit around accepting celibacy for the rest of his life. However, it's no excuse. He's a lying cheater and should have had the conversation with you, that he can not continue the relationship without sex, rather than seeking it elsewhere behind your back. Don't have a conversation with him about it, he will deny and hide it better. Just go digging yourself, do you have access to his phone/ location?

He always has his phone stuck to him, I will never get a chance to go into it. I can see where he is though, he is on the road a lot though with meetings so it's hard to know what looks out of the ordinary. I am worried about bringing it up but I haven't been in touch over the weekend because I am so hurt. So he will know something is up.

OP posts:
Poisonwood · 30/09/2024 06:47

I’m sorry you are going through serious relationship difficulties. My DP takes it for his heart. But any innocent reason we give you is a moot point as our relationships are not yours. You need to talk, it’s as simple, and as difficult, as that.
I would strongly suggest you get legal advice as soon as possible too.
Also, be aware he may follow The Script.

Original poster
FlakyBrickTiger · 30/09/2024 07:24

Poisonwood · 30/09/2024 06:47

I’m sorry you are going through serious relationship difficulties. My DP takes it for his heart. But any innocent reason we give you is a moot point as our relationships are not yours. You need to talk, it’s as simple, and as difficult, as that.
I would strongly suggest you get legal advice as soon as possible too.
Also, be aware he may follow The Script.

I know we need to talk, I'm scared of the outcome.
Sorry, I don't understand. What do you mean by script?
He is going to lie anyway, he always does. All I want is the truth so we can move on in which ever way.
I struggle to trust him anyway so whatever he says I am going to struggle to think it's the truth. It's my girls I feel sorry for, they deserve a happy home.

OP posts:
cookiedough174 · 30/09/2024 08:12

op, would being single be worse then being with someone you can't trust, who has tested you terribly which both make you feel miserable??
I can tell you it's not worse. Imagine being free of those anxieties, not having to worry about being cheated on or lied to.

I know finances are often a reason why people can't leave, but that stuff works its self out. You need to chose to be happy.

Single mum to two, divorcee here!

Rigatone · 30/09/2024 08:27

The Script is an astonishingly specific set of behaviours and comments cheating men go through when their affairs come out. There are lots of great threads about it on mumsnet and I think there's a book you can read too. You will get lots of great advice and support on here if he starts with The Script and you'll be able to anticipate his next moves too.

At this point OP the usual advice is to keep quiet for now and gather information while he doesn't know you know/ suspect. Observe his behaviour and discreetly gather copies of financial info like mortgage, pension, bank statements etc that you might need later.

Massive moral support from your MN community coming your way. So many fabulous women on here to help you whatever happens next.

Cosycover · 30/09/2024 08:29

99% of the time, if you aren't sleeping with them, someone else is.

ooopsinamechangedagain · 30/09/2024 11:02

FlakyBrickTiger · 30/09/2024 06:40

He always has his phone stuck to him, I will never get a chance to go into it. I can see where he is though, he is on the road a lot though with meetings so it's hard to know what looks out of the ordinary. I am worried about bringing it up but I haven't been in touch over the weekend because I am so hurt. So he will know something is up.

Show quote history

Well in that case you could just say "DH I want to see your phone" and see what his reaction is. And thoroughly go through it. If he refuses tell him you've found his viagra, you want to see his phone yourself or he's out. If he kicks up a fuss, he's clearly got something to hide. It's not a guaranteed method though as he could have wiped everything on it as he goes. But what have you got to lose now? It's better than confronting him softly and having him sell you a pack of lies.

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