Would you invite a " family" member to your house at Christmas after finding g out that he's an abuser?

[MonkeyTennis34]

I've used speech marks as the person in question is SIL's boyfriend, they've been together for 6 years.

6 months ago, she disclosed to me and DH that her boyfriend had been verbally abusing her for the past 3 years...calling her ugly fat cunt, fucking ugly bitch etc.
He'd also thrown something at her violently and she said she had to leave her house once as she felt unsafe. On this particular day, she'd secretly taken his key. He lives with her, it's her house. They have no children together.

She was in tears when she told us this and we both said that she needed to leave him. We thought she would...

She's stayed with him and has told us that he's said he won't behave like this anymore and if he does, she's told him leave him. She says she still has feelings for him, that he can be nice etc etc.

He has refused to get any counselling and refused to apologise for his behaviour to her brother (DH) when SIL asked him to.

Me and DH still see SIL and I prioritise this as I know how important it is to keep the lines of communication open. She knows that we are shocked and angry about his behaviour and that we don't want to see him.

We haven't seen him since.

DH has said that he doesn't want to see him at Christmas (we'd usually get together on Boxing Day). I agree with him.

MIL phoned today and said that she's giving the boyfriend a second chance as no one's relationship is perfect!
I couldn't quite believe what I was hearing. It's her daughter. But I also understand that she might feel cut off from her daughter otherwise.

I guess I'd like some reassurance that we're right not to see him.

I don't want to normalise or enable what he's done by ignoring it.

Does everyone deserve a second chance?

No, I don't think he deserves a second chance. But don't confuse that with being the same as inviting him for Christmas.

If she's vulnerable and at risk of being isolated, you should probably invite them both. As long as you are not putting any children you might have at risk.

He sounds like a dick but by refusing to see him you will only isolate her, which may put her at further risk. Assuming he isn’t aggressive or threatening in group settings I would take this chance to show you are there for her no matter what

I wouldn't want to but I would go with whatever your SIL says. I think the repercussions on her could be far worse than you putting up with him for a few hours. If you don't invite him he may well make it impossible for her to come and that will isolate her further. Please don't put her in a situation where she has to choose.

Would I invite him to my house? No, absolutely not. Would I never go to another family event because he’s there? No, probably not, depending on the event. I would blank him while I was there though.

We do have a family member who is a child sexual abuser. We will not go to any event he is attending, because he is a risk to our dc. Would I invite him over? No, of course not. Would I go to a big event where we wouldn’t even run into him and he would have no contact with children because they wouldn’t be there? Maybe, but to make the point that he was dead to me though.

I absolutely would not let someone who was abusing my child though step foot anywhere near my house. I suspect your parents are the bury things under the rug, keep up appearances sort.

No.

@mindutopia
He's not a child abuser.
He has been verbally abusing my adult SIL.

She's not isolated in the sense that she regularly sees her Mum and she has lots of friends.

After she told us what he'd been doing, we told her many times that she can ALWAYS come to us, call us..whatever she needs if he mistreats her again.

You misunderstood. He’s abusing MIL’s adult daughter.

From MIL’s position, there’s no way I’d let that abusive dickhead enjoy my hospitality.

I'd be watching him like a hawk, and calmly challenging any bad behaviour, preferably with DH backing me up.

Ask her to read this:

That's not love - non physical relationship violence

And

That's not love - post break up

I wouldn't want him at the party either, so stand your ground. He isn't going to change.

@AmeliaEarache
I see what you mean,
That he's abused her daughter. Yes, you're right.
I know full well that my Mum would ever want any contact with any partner of mine that had behaved in the same way.

MIL has been told by her daughter that he is no longer abusing her.

MIL is of the type that wants everything to go ok..ignore what's happened. I'm appalled at how she's being but it's not really a surprise.

No, I wouldn't invite him. Your SIL either needs to make a grown up decision or live with the consequences. She has her own home and no children. I assume she is financially independent and is not mentally or physically vulnerable? She's in a better place than many abused women. There is no excuse to stay with this prick. She is doing so because she wants to. If the rest of the family stop enabling her then perhaps she'll have the impetus to end it. Otherwise I'm afraid this situation is on her.

This ... he will be happy mot to be invited.

Hell would freeze over before I would welcome my sister’s abuser in my home.

Have a sign made..
This house is a cunt - free zone....

I feel like you’re over simplifying this. Abusive relationships are complex, leaving my ex was really hard, I needed my family to stay close. And as a mum of a 17yr I would be horrified if she was in an abusive relationship but the other side of me would be battling to keep her close to me.

As difficult as it would be to spend any time with him, you need to keep your SIL close, and keep her safe. Knowing you love and support her will help if and when she does decide to leave him.

If he's not allowed to be with her family at Christmas, he will play the victim and potentially alienate her from you all. 'Your family hate me, you'll have to choose' that sort of thing.

I think you need to go with what your SIL needs. If she has chosen to stay with him then I think you need to accept that and go with it. So I would invite him if that's what she wants, even if my instinct was to punch him in the face, but let her know that I was doing it to support her, and if at any point she changes her mind then she just needs to say and you will be most happy to uninvite him. That way she doesn't feel that you actually want to spend time with him so you won't mind if she changes hers.

I think if she has other support (friends, mother) then it can be an important statement to say “I am your brother and I won’t tolerate your bf’s cruelty to you. You day he has promised to reform but he won’t . This is who he is. “

@ginasevern
She is financially independent, owns her own home, she isn't physically or mentally vulnerable (that I know of).

She has adult DCs from her first marriage.

She left an unhappy marriage (not abusive) to be with her current boyfriend. Maybe she feels she's failing again if she leaves him?

I'd do the same in your MIL's shoes.

It takes an average of 7 attempts before a woman leaves an abusive relationship.

I'd be keeping my DD as close as possible and giving the boyfriend no reason to try and isolate her from me.

We used that tactic with a close family member and one of the things that finally helped her see him for who he was was when he started accusing us of being rude to him and she knew we absolutely hadn't and realised he was trying to isolate her further.

It's hard though. Very hard.

If she has adult DC then she isn't a "youngster". Sounds like she's desperate to cling onto him. Some women have got to have a man in their lives (almost) at any cost. Sad situation but I would definitely not invite him.

She 100% needs to be rid of him, build up her self/confidence, spend time on her own, spend time with her family and friends and THEN maybe try and find a kind man, deserving of her love.

This with bells on. I probably wouldn't be able to look him in the face or even be polite to him, but SIL needs the support of her family. Not to be isolated.