Would you invite a " family" member to your house at Christmas after finding g out that he's an abuser?

[MonkeyTennis34]

I've used speech marks as the person in question is SIL's boyfriend, they've been together for 6 years.

6 months ago, she disclosed to me and DH that her boyfriend had been verbally abusing her for the past 3 years...calling her ugly fat cunt, fucking ugly bitch etc.
He'd also thrown something at her violently and she said she had to leave her house once as she felt unsafe. On this particular day, she'd secretly taken his key. He lives with her, it's her house. They have no children together.

She was in tears when she told us this and we both said that she needed to leave him. We thought she would...

She's stayed with him and has told us that he's said he won't behave like this anymore and if he does, she's told him leave him. She says she still has feelings for him, that he can be nice etc etc.

He has refused to get any counselling and refused to apologise for his behaviour to her brother (DH) when SIL asked him to.

Me and DH still see SIL and I prioritise this as I know how important it is to keep the lines of communication open. She knows that we are shocked and angry about his behaviour and that we don't want to see him.

We haven't seen him since.

DH has said that he doesn't want to see him at Christmas (we'd usually get together on Boxing Day). I agree with him.

MIL phoned today and said that she's giving the boyfriend a second chance as no one's relationship is perfect!
I couldn't quite believe what I was hearing. It's her daughter. But I also understand that she might feel cut off from her daughter otherwise.

I guess I'd like some reassurance that we're right not to see him.

I don't want to normalise or enable what he's done by ignoring it.

Does everyone deserve a second chance?

No

Would I want to? no.

Would I do it for SIL. Yea.

You will cause a huge issue for her if he isn't welcome. She will have to pick a side, and pick him. Leaving her completely isolated from family.

I would see him at someone else's home, and I would give him a death stare the entire time, but there is no fucking way he would ever be allowed inside my own home.

SIL has been to our house, on her own, for one of the DC's birthdays. In the past, her boyfriend would have come too.

I don't think it would isolate her from us.
It seems like she knows how we feel about and has accepted it.

As mentioned upthread, her Mum has seen him.

I don’t know how her mum can merrily decide it’s now ok? I wouldn’t want him anywhere near me, but I totally get that she might decide she won’t come without him. Major dilemma. Speak to her and see if she’s prepared to come without him.

Yes, DH is going to speak to her soon regarding Christmas.

I hope she comes.

@Cherrysoup
That's exactly how I feel re her mum (my MIL).

She has decided to continue the relationship so that's that. You don't have to have any relationship with him, but you don't have to make a point of it by refusing to invite him to special occasions. Personally, I wouldn't bother having a Boxing Day get-together this year. Let someone else arrange that if they care. Then you can just be guests and not have to invite someone you don't like.

I feel like loads of people have given you advice and your not taking any of it. Why ask?

She is vulnerable. Anyone in a relationship with an abusive man is vulnerable.

Just because she didn't appear physically or mentally vulnerable before the relationship with him, or even before he started being abusive, doesn't change the fact that after his abuse she is now vulnerable.

Outwardly strong women who appear to have no reason to put up with, or forgive, abuse can still end up incredibly vulnerable when they've had someone chipping away at them constantly.

@aCatCalledFawkes

Why ask?

Because Mumsnet is a forum.
A forum is a meeting or medium where ideas and views on a particular issues can be exchanged.

I posted yesterday about a difficult subject that I don't know much about .....on a forum.

As someone who was in an abusive relationship, I would say no, don't invite him.

It won't make things any worse than they are, because he will control the decisions he cares about anyway. If he cares about this, then yes, she will end up not coming - but she will loudly get the message that he is an unacceptable person, especially if it is framed by your husband as 'I willl not have an unrepentant abuser in my home'. It's a demonstration of healthy boundaries - and this man has done nothing to show true remorse

The ex actually didn't care if I saw family alone - it gave him time to cheat. Her bf may well be the same.

The 'isolation' only happens if she feels SHE isn't welcome - she knows you are there for her, and by not condoning the abuse, she also knows you are a safe place for her.

Put yourself in her shoes. She believes he’s changed, she’s not split up from him. She needs as much support as possible as at some point in the future she WILL need her family around her. If this man is not invited to family events with her, she will end up not going, will be self isolating from her family and will therefore be more vulnerable to abuse by him. As the saying goes, keep your friends close, keep your enemies closer!

As hard as it is, and every instinct would be to want to never see him again or want him in your home. However, you need to look at the bigger picture, if you don't invite him, you run the risk of isolating your SIL and it gives him ammunition to use to erode any self-esteem she has. Things like 'Your family hate me', 'What have you been telling them', 'It's your fault, they haven't invited me' etc. You don't know on what level he will take out, not being invited, onto your SIL. It gives him the perfect opportunity to verbally abuse her etc. I have an Uncle, who I hate, he's vile to my Aunt, she has no self-esteem/confidence, he's verbally nasty, throws tantrums when things don't go his way and is unhinged. We have had no choice but to tolerate him for her sake. If we do anything to rock the boat, it will be her that ultimately suffers, not us, because she has to live with him.

Absolutely this.

Thank you all for your advice on a difficult situation.

Since she confided in us and obviously realised that we (as anyone would be) were horrified, she has continued to confide in us so whilst she knows we won't see him, she is still choosing to talk to us.
She doesn't feel she is isolated.

When I spoke to her just last week she told me that she'd asked him to help more around the house, to which he replied, The only person I answer to is my boss.
Another way of belittling her I guess.
He hasn't changed at all.