My husband gets nothing done but says he's so busy!!

CeciliaMars · 2024-09-27T05:33:29+00:00

Deep breath...I'll try to make this short. Married 14 years. 3 kids under 10. My husband has always struggled with depression and has had two career crises since we've been married. I supported him emotionally and financially through these, and eventually we set him up in a business that makes ok money. I have always done all the mental load stuff - cleaning, washing, shopping, budgeting, tax, school admin, birthday parties etc. I have recently got a new job and am working 45 hours a week, spread across 6 days. His hours vary but he normally works between 10-20 hours a week. All three kids are at school. He admittedly normally clears up the kitchen each morning and walks the dog. I still do ALL the other stuff. I'm exhausted. Yet when I bring this up, he huffs and puffs and gets defensive and tells me about all the stuff he's done that day and how he never sits down! I had to get the kids to school, I walked the dog, I needed to buy this for the business... etc etc. I feel like I'm going mad. Things came to a head last night when I got home after 9 hours of work and the kids were all watching tv and hadn't done any homework, despite Thursday being their free day to do homework. I blew up, we had a massive row and are now not talking. I feel exhausted and I can't think straight. What do I do? Please help?

LoopyLentil · 27/09/2024 06:37

This is clearly an unequal split that is deeply unfair on you.
He either has to recognise it and change or you leave. It doesn’t even seem like he’s willing to understand your perspective which does not look good for him ever changing to be honest.
Couples counselling may help

frozendaisy · 27/09/2024 07:04

What I would do, which isn't everyone's style I admit, would be to keep going on the attack until it sank in.

Because there are 3 children, you both chose I assume to have.

I would not back down. He could sulk all he fucking wanted.

It doesn't have to be shouting arguments just firm factual discussions.

In this situation the following would be something along the lines I would firmly point out.

Your day doesn't stop when your work is done the kids need structure and input as well, then and only then is it couch and tv time.

You have 25 hours more than me not at work 25 hours. What the actual fuck are you doing?

Let's swap.

It's no longer all about you, I can't and refuse, to carry the weight of a grown man. We have 3 children now.

Don't you have any ambition? Don't you want to be better than this? Do you think doing the least you can possibly do then slob on the couch is a fulfilling life?

There's more clearly but I would make it perfectly clear I thought his interpretation of being a man was way below par.

Whalewatching · 27/09/2024 07:07

Yes that’s all very unfair. You need to unfortunately be the one to take control of the situation and work out the division of responsibilities. Hes not going to as it’s all weighted in his favour at the moment. He’ll blame his mental health of course but what about yours?

Hercisback1 · 27/09/2024 07:07

Get the kids out of the house and sit down for a serious chat. Lay your cards on the table. Either this happens or you leave. Split the jobs fairly (based on equal free time). Give it 4 weeks and follow through if he's still shit.

parietal · 27/09/2024 07:08

There are apps and online checklists for splitting household chores and parenting jobs. If you go through one together with him, would he manage to see what you really do and how much work there is.

Couples counselling might help too.

Whalewatching · 27/09/2024 07:11

I would also suggest to him (perhaps not using these exact words) that being a lazy see you next Tuesday is not helping with his self esteem and could make him more depressed.

planAplanB · 27/09/2024 07:14

frozendaisy · 27/09/2024 07:04

What I would do, which isn't everyone's style I admit, would be to keep going on the attack until it sank in.

Because there are 3 children, you both chose I assume to have.

I would not back down. He could sulk all he fucking wanted.

It doesn't have to be shouting arguments just firm factual discussions.

In this situation the following would be something along the lines I would firmly point out.

Your day doesn't stop when your work is done the kids need structure and input as well, then and only then is it couch and tv time.

You have 25 hours more than me not at work 25 hours. What the actual fuck are you doing?

Let's swap.

It's no longer all about you, I can't and refuse, to carry the weight of a grown man. We have 3 children now.

Don't you have any ambition? Don't you want to be better than this? Do you think doing the least you can possibly do then slob on the couch is a fulfilling life?

There's more clearly but I would make it perfectly clear I thought his interpretation of being a man was way below par.

Some of your suggestions are too harsh. OP said he has depression. This is a clinical mental illness.

Hercisback1 · 27/09/2024 07:18

planAplanB · 27/09/2024 07:14

Some of your suggestions are too harsh. OP said he has depression. This is a clinical mental illness.

Show quote history

Depression doesn't mean she has to tolerate his behaviour though. He needs to seek treatment and sort his life out. Depression isn't a free pass to be a twat.

Missamyp · 27/09/2024 07:20

Why can't children, especially high schoolers, be responsible for their homework and room cleaning?
How much is this about expectation vs him being lazy?

witmum · 27/09/2024 12:01

What can you outsource to reduce the pressure? Get a cleaner? Eat ready meals? Get a relative to support you?

I think a written timetable would help. It all seems obvious to you and is in your head. Clearly not for him.

I would also want to scream and fall out with him.

45 hour week with 3 small kids and a husband that does not take responsibility was always going to be hard.

Original poster

CeciliaMars · 27/09/2024 15:03

Missamyp · 27/09/2024 07:20

Why can't children, especially high schoolers, be responsible for their homework and room cleaning?
How much is this about expectation vs him being lazy?

They're at primary school, they at least need to be encouraged to make a start. If he allows them to watch telly, they'll do it!

OP posts:

Original poster

CeciliaMars · 27/09/2024 15:04

witmum · 27/09/2024 12:01

What can you outsource to reduce the pressure? Get a cleaner? Eat ready meals? Get a relative to support you?

I think a written timetable would help. It all seems obvious to you and is in your head. Clearly not for him.

I would also want to scream and fall out with him.

45 hour week with 3 small kids and a husband that does not take responsibility was always going to be hard.

We did find a cleaner recently but then she went away for a month's holiday... when he's only worked 2 days out of the past 10, shouldn't he be picking up the slack instead of leaving it to me? And yet when I bring that up, we have a huge row as he's adamant he's snowed under too...

OP posts:

Blusterydaytodaypoohbear · 27/09/2024 15:07

Fine line between being depressed and being a cunt. Exh never felt well enough to shop /walk the ddog /do school runs but miraculously recovered to play pool /golf and go to the pub.
Exh... Just saying..

witmum · 27/09/2024 16:11

100% he should step up and do his share.

Only you know the balance of his laziness and mental health issues.

My suggestion was more to reduce conflict sort yourself out to reduce the tension for you to work out what you want from the relationship. It was the balance the LTB comments

Living with frustration/ resentment is not healthy for anyone in the house.

SauviGone · 27/09/2024 16:18

I would suggest to him that you switch roles and he can do the 45 hour week while you do the 10 hour working week and tell him you’ll take on all the other busy stuff he does too that takes him an extra hour a day.

LankylegsFromOz · 22/01/2025 02:42

OP, I literally have the exact same issue!!

But if ever I say anything, like eg 'I don't feel appreciated' or 'I'm doing more than my share', my DH parrot's the same thing back to me. Worse thing is though, he absolutely believes it! Yet the house is falling apart around us, it's actually embarrassing and family and friends are delicately trying to broach it with me. He does do abit, but really we do absolutely equal (and me, then some) in terms of parenting, house chores etc. Yet, I work 40 hours a week and commute around 10. DH 'works' from home max 15 hours. I bring in all the money and have done so for over 10 years.

I'm so worn down by it all, I couldn't even find it in me to start my own thread here. So I'm watching yours with interest..

Rachmorr57 · 22/01/2025 02:52

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This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

timetodecide2345 · 22/01/2025 02:59

At 58 I've come to realise that when one of you has a different 'ethic' from the other that there's very little you can do to change it in the other person. You exhaust yourself trying too.

It's probably because he got away with not having to do much his whole life and was able to coast. He moved from that to a wife.

Happyinarcon · 22/01/2025 03:01

If you want a quick and dirty fix get him some adhd medication. I find it breaks me out of the freeze mode. Wellbutrin is an anti depressant that is supposed to be good for adhd although I haven’t tried it myself, I’ve just seen it recommended on adhd forums. Ideally your husband could do with some trauma therapy to heal whatever it is that’s troubling his soul, but in the meantime some adhd meds will definitely get the housework done

suburberphobe · 22/01/2025 03:06

What to do?

Divorce the lazy fucker.

You are doing your kids no favours by emulating this kind of future.

yipyipyop · 22/01/2025 03:10

What a lazy spud. He needs to start doing more or take on more hours at work

Oblomov25 · 22/01/2025 03:11

I can't see this getting better. It's his personality, his default, and you knew this pre marriage. This argument is him telling you that this is the way he sees it. He thinks he does enough. You are now asking him to change, his nature, his default. He might make a bit of an effort for a time, but he'll be resentful at even being asked to change, but then he'll revert back because we all do. So one had to ask, why are you fighting nature, in the first place?

RickiRaccoon · 22/01/2025 03:19

I think some people are just naturally lazy -- or at best less proactive and efficient than others. The only way to get around it would be to have him work a 40h job where his lack of output is the manager's problem, not yours (unless he got fired in which case it would be your problem).

Gifu · 22/01/2025 03:38

The problem here is that your DH feels the same way as you do. He thinks that he is snowed under and never gets a minute too. There is even some truth in his understanding of things, because you clearly have a much higher tolerance level than him for getting stuff done. There isn't even an ideal solution, because both of you working and 3 kids at primary school is always going to stretch you to your limit, unless you have Kardashian levels of home help. It becomes competitive tiredness, and competitive overwhelm.

What is your realistic end goal here? Is it realistic for him to be doing more, or is he genuinely at (what he believes is) his limit? You need to think about the things you can control and the things you can't control. You cannot control his ability to get things done or how he feels. You can control how you express your current feelings of overwhelm and resentment. I would focus on you and your feelings about how you have too much to do.

I would say something along the lines of:
DH - I am feeling overwhelmed by the amount I have to do and I cannot sustain it. I know you are feeling the same way. Can we please have a conversation about who does what in family life, and work out if there is a more efficient way to split things up so we don't both feel like this and grow resentment.
And then, in the conversation I would be factual about the amount I have to do, and honest about how it's too much for me to sustain. If he says he feels the same way, take that at face value. Don't scoff at his feelings, but be factual about what he actually does, and plan together to make the split more even by realistically working out what he could be doing more of. Unless he is a total arse, he will end up taking on more, and be more respectful about the split without feeling dismissed and attacked. If he is a total arse, you have a different problem to solve.

LankylegsFromOz · 22/01/2025 06:27

Gifu · 22/01/2025 03:38

The problem here is that your DH feels the same way as you do. He thinks that he is snowed under and never gets a minute too. There is even some truth in his understanding of things, because you clearly have a much higher tolerance level than him for getting stuff done. There isn't even an ideal solution, because both of you working and 3 kids at primary school is always going to stretch you to your limit, unless you have Kardashian levels of home help. It becomes competitive tiredness, and competitive overwhelm.

What is your realistic end goal here? Is it realistic for him to be doing more, or is he genuinely at (what he believes is) his limit? You need to think about the things you can control and the things you can't control. You cannot control his ability to get things done or how he feels. You can control how you express your current feelings of overwhelm and resentment. I would focus on you and your feelings about how you have too much to do.

I would say something along the lines of:
DH - I am feeling overwhelmed by the amount I have to do and I cannot sustain it. I know you are feeling the same way. Can we please have a conversation about who does what in family life, and work out if there is a more efficient way to split things up so we don't both feel like this and grow resentment.
And then, in the conversation I would be factual about the amount I have to do, and honest about how it's too much for me to sustain. If he says he feels the same way, take that at face value. Don't scoff at his feelings, but be factual about what he actually does, and plan together to make the split more even by realistically working out what he could be doing more of. Unless he is a total arse, he will end up taking on more, and be more respectful about the split without feeling dismissed and attacked. If he is a total arse, you have a different problem to solve.

Great advice, thank you.