My husband gets nothing done but says he's so busy!!

[CeciliaMars]

Deep breath...I'll try to make this short.
Married 14 years.
3 kids under 10.
My husband has always struggled with depression and has had two career crises since we've been married. I supported him emotionally and financially through these, and eventually we set him up in a business that makes ok money. I have always done all the mental load stuff - cleaning, washing, shopping, budgeting, tax, school admin, birthday parties etc.
I have recently got a new job and am working 45 hours a week, spread across 6 days. His hours vary but he normally works between 10-20 hours a week. All three kids are at school. He admittedly normally clears up the kitchen each morning and walks the dog. I still do ALL the other stuff. I'm exhausted. Yet when I bring this up, he huffs and puffs and gets defensive and tells me about all the stuff he's done that day and how he never sits down! I had to get the kids to school, I walked the dog, I needed to buy this for the business... etc etc. I feel like I'm going mad. Things came to a head last night when I got home after 9 hours of work and the kids were all watching tv and hadn't done any homework, despite Thursday being their free day to do homework. I blew up, we had a massive row and are now not talking. I feel exhausted and I can't think straight. What do I do? Please help?

I was a SAHM and I did everything. Garden/house/shopping/school runs etc. When I went back to work 2 days a week I still did everything, as I had those 3 days that he was working to do it all. You’ve got a lazy arsed man who won’t change. There’s lots of them about.

I was in a similar position. I fought and fought and fought for equality. Got it for probably a year. And then he unilaterally made a decision that now means he is too busy to take on his fair share of the domestic stuff.

It’s that they simply don’t want to do it. It’s been devalued for years because it was seen as women’s work. The assumption has been it’s easy. It’s not and actually does require skills and brain power. It took my ‘D’H about four weeks of doing what I used to do until he was sitting with his head in his hands ‘exhausted’.

Its misogyny- they won’t admit it - but they don’t see it as worthy of their effort.

These always amuse me.. I think you are right to feel as you do. I expect many men would say the same of their part-time working/SAHM wives, but would get their arse handed to them on a plate if they raised it here.

Inequality sucks, regardless which way round

I've known a couple of lazy sah wives too. It's equally unfair in my opinion

Sorry to say but some men just can’t cope with very much at all, they’ve never had to.If you try to get him to do more his mental health will suffer.Im not joking, I’m serious.
Decide if this life is the one you want.
Hes not suddenly going to change now.

Yeah my ex husband was very similar. But what it boiled down to was exactly what a pp said, he just didn't want to do housework so either refused or knowingly did a shit job.
I resented him and his willingness to create inequality so divorced him.
My life is immeasurably smoother and easier without having to accommodate a lazy useless 'man'.
I guarantee this is as good as it gets with him, op, sorry.