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Original poster

How to tell your kids their dad has gone

39 replies

Sobaditsfunny · 26/09/2024 23:26

I'm reaching out for some urgent advice. This is quite long in order to give it context.

Me and the children's dad separated last year due to a criminal offence. The last year has been horrific-numerous court battles for finances and child arrangements. He lied in court which has ended up in having to sell the family home and child contact has been very challenging. We'd finally got in a routine of alternate weekends with the youngest 3 children (eldest refused to go) and the little 2 looked forward to visits with their dad. We had the final court date for child arrangements this week. All finances are now settled.

I agreed to his proposals which were pretty much what we're already doing. He didnt want extra time for school holidays,Easter, Summer or birthdays-said he couldn't commit due to the 'false criminal allegations'. However he wanted to fight for Christmas. I knew the children would kick off and be upset if they had to go Christmas eve. In the end the judge decided they'd go to him Christmas Day afternoon until boxing day teatime so as not to split the kids up on Christmas Day.

He came out of court fuming. The next day he asked if I would agree to him having them Christmas eve. I said nope, I'll be following the court order.

A few hours later he has booked a one way ticket to his home country in the Mediterranean and has said he is leaving. Then he sent a horrible video about evil women.

He has not rang or asked to see/speak to the children and his flight is in the morning. The children still think they're going Saturday morning for their weekend.

I don't know what or how to tell them he's gone. How do I do this in a way to minimise hurt and feelings of abandonment?? The children are from 3 years to 14years.

I feel so angry and sad on their behalf and I don't know what to do.

Thank you in advance x

OP posts:
5475878237NC · 26/09/2024 23:32

I wouldn't say or do anything until Friday night when the older one asks. I'd wait until they bring it up next, in case these flights are a fantasy and he doesn't leave.

If you discover he has, rather than is planning to leave, then I wouldn't sit them down and formally announce anything. Instead I would talk to each one when they ask questions. I would give age appropriate answers all in the vein of things that aren't going to make them feel they've done anything wrong, their Dad isn't interested in them, their Dad doesn't love them. I would focus on things that aren't likely to cause worry and are quite open ended like their Dad needed to go to X place to see family/friends for a while as he hasn't seen them for a long time. With the older ones I would answer their questions about his motivation in a bit more detail.

Chucklit · 26/09/2024 23:57

So he's broken the court agreement. Raise that immediately with them. It will provide proof that he's not to be trusted with arranged access. You stuck to what you were required to, he's breached it. It will serve you well in the future to have this documented.

Chucklit · 26/09/2024 23:58

Also keep all evidence of his messages and vile video to present to court to back you up.

FumingTRex · 27/09/2024 00:00

I wouldn’t do anything, hes flounced off but he may be back. I would just tell them tomorrow that the weekend is cancelled and see what happens.

Mmhmmn · 27/09/2024 00:03

I hope his ticket is for one seat only and he’s not secretly planning anything ..mad like taking any of the children ? Maybe just beware.

Avatartar · 27/09/2024 00:12

He’s possibly playing games and has no intention of going away, does he not work? Leave it until you have proof he’s gone and then tell them he’s gone to see his parents etc and you don’t know when he’ll be back. Suggest FaceTime with him. I wonder if it’s best coming from him so he can explain himself directly to the DCs

thekrakenhasgone · 27/09/2024 06:28

Just be really honest and open with them. Tell them he's gone. You don't understand why he has done this. You can't do much about it because he's not given you a lot of information. You don't know when or if he will be back and let them ask their questions. Reassure them you are there for them and always will be - they might start worrying about losing you.
From experience, DCs are very astute

Theunamedcat · 27/09/2024 06:31

Ex would claim he was moving away frequently he never did

solice84 · 27/09/2024 06:41

Stick rigidly to court arrangements
Keep all evidence of everything he sends you
Tell the children the truth .

Eviebeans · 27/09/2024 06:45

Is his home country a Hague convention member

EatsQuorn · 27/09/2024 06:51

Tbh , the truth . He's gone back to ( the country ) , it might just be to see people or for a holiday , your not sure or it might be for longer . It's on him not you .

Original poster
Sobaditsfunny · 27/09/2024 06:58

Hi, thank you everyone.
Yes it is a Hague convention country. I did think maybe he's not actually going to do it but then he's said he's contacted the solicitor whose dealing with the house sale and told them I'll now be dealing with the paperwork as he'll be out of country.
The police originally took his passport but they gave it back after a few months. We are still awaiting a charging decision.
I won't say anything to the children yet, I'll just say today that this weekend isn't going to happen as daddy's gone to visit his family and take it from there.
Thank you everyone for the advice. X

OP posts:
Tragicmun · 27/09/2024 07:04

Has he actually gone, or just told you he's booked a ticket?
He might turn up tonight as normal

Doyoumind · 27/09/2024 07:15

Why do you even believe that he's going? My initial reaction wouldn't be to believe him.

Don't make any big announcements. If he isn't around this weekend tell them he isn't around this weekend rather than he's gone forever as you have no proof of that.

itsgettingweird · 27/09/2024 07:20

I wouldn't even start to cancel the visit.

Is he due to collect them?

Something tells me he's intending for you not to turn up to accuse you of breaking the order.

DucklingSwimmingInstructress · 27/09/2024 09:06

Don't ever lie to your children or cover up what's happening, beyond putting it in an age-appropriate way. Please, please don't lie. Either they sense it at the time and know what you say isn't to be trusted, or they find out later and feel betrayed. Don't do that to your children - they desperately need one reliable, loving, steady parent. I'm afraid that they are going to be hurt whatever happens at this stage, so it needs to be handled to cause the minimum damage possible and support them the best possible. "letting them down gently" is a misnomer because it'll break their heart all over again when they realise the truth.

I think the best way is to wait to tell them that their father may have had to go to see his parents, but you'll know for sure tomorrow. If he really has gone then to my mind @thekrakenhasgone 's advice is much the best.

pilates · 27/09/2024 09:27

I think I would put the kids on notice that there may not be access visit this weekend as their dad may need to go abroad. Sounds a nasty piece of work.

Theunamedcat · 27/09/2024 10:26

Tell your kids nothing yet or he will accuse you of alienating them by telling lies and manipulation of their feelings don't jump first

It's like a game of psycho chicken hold your nerve and don't flinch

GreatMistakes · 27/09/2024 10:35

If you can, I'd make a point of going away for the weekend "because daddy has said that he has to go and visit some family" so he cannot turn up for his visit.

Id then immediately flag the breach of the court order. You have evidence that he told you he wasnt coming so nobody would reasonably expect you to stay in just in case he changes his mind.

It is now less that 24 hous til contact was scheduled so it's unreasonable to expect you to arrange you to rearrange to be the kids childcare and then expect you to change your plans back because he has turned up.

It will be a difficult period but you've basically been given a golden ticket. I'd also staye that you want Boxing day as well now as the kids want to be together and the will not cope with the stress of being let down at short notice and as he has already shown he can't be trusted on the first weekend of the order being in place in September, you don't trust him, for 2024 at least, not to wreck their xmas.

Original poster
Sobaditsfunny · 27/09/2024 11:36

I have had a call from the solicitor and estate agent this morning to say he's been in to their office yesterday. He told them he was going away and tying up loose ends. Apparently he signed some forms for the house sale at 4.55pm just before they closed. The estate agent (we know her quite well) said he'd told her he wouldn't be around to sign the transfer of sale contract. I can't do it as the house is not in my name, it's due to complete in around 3 weeks.

I'm hoping the house sale won't get ruined but these actions strongly suggest he's going, I looked and there was a flight early this morning. I feel sure he's on that, he won't be hanging around incase the police decide to remove his passport again.

In terms of flagging that he's breached the order-is it my solicitor I inform? I have told the little ones (as they're expecting to go in the morning) that we think daddy has gone to his country so we are going to do something different this weekend. I don't want to keep them hanging when he's made it clear he's not having them.

The older two, I'll chat with this evening and explain he's gone to his country and I don't know how long for. I don't want to go into too much detail because at this point I don't really know the answers of what's going to happen.

He said yesterday he won't be able to speak to them before he leaves and he might try next week but it'll be a struggle as he'll be away.

I feel like I was very stupidly optimistic after the court hearing (thinking we could settle in a new routine). I really should have known he wouldn't accept the terms.

Does anyone know if the police make a charging decision if the person has to be in the country?

OP posts:
TheFormidableMrsC · 27/09/2024 12:20

My ex husband did this having dragged me through court for years. He moved from the South to Scotland with OW and he has made no attempt to contact my son in 4.5 years. It's been hard. I got counselling for my son and a lot of support at school. My son was 8 when ex did this and I was going through cancer treatment so there was a lot of trauma. My son will probably always have some trauma related to the abandonment but I've worked hard to give him a stable and happy home and he has seen his father for what he is.

Olika · 27/09/2024 12:52

I would tell my solicitor asap that he has left the country as far as you know so the police cannot blame you for anything.

pilates · 27/09/2024 14:35

Op, you won’t be able to complete the house sale without a properly executed Transfer.

RightSedFred · 27/09/2024 14:40

Do the police need to know that he's decided to leave the country and isn't coming back?

Gettingbysomehow · 27/09/2024 14:46

Sounds to me like good riddance to bad rubbish. Presumably you won't have to sell up unless he comes back. That gives you more time to get money and pland together. It also sounds like he has zero interest in the children. I think it's probably best to say as little as possible to them. What mum would just disappear without even saying goodbye to their own children.