How to tell your kids their dad has gone

[Sobaditsfunny]

I'm reaching out for some urgent advice. This is quite long in order to give it context.

Me and the children's dad separated last year due to a criminal offence. The last year has been horrific-numerous court battles for finances and child arrangements. He lied in court which has ended up in having to sell the family home and child contact has been very challenging. We'd finally got in a routine of alternate weekends with the youngest 3 children (eldest refused to go) and the little 2 looked forward to visits with their dad. We had the final court date for child arrangements this week. All finances are now settled.

I agreed to his proposals which were pretty much what we're already doing. He didnt want extra time for school holidays,Easter, Summer or birthdays-said he couldn't commit due to the 'false criminal allegations'. However he wanted to fight for Christmas. I knew the children would kick off and be upset if they had to go Christmas eve. In the end the judge decided they'd go to him Christmas Day afternoon until boxing day teatime so as not to split the kids up on Christmas Day.

He came out of court fuming. The next day he asked if I would agree to him having them Christmas eve. I said nope, I'll be following the court order.

A few hours later he has booked a one way ticket to his home country in the Mediterranean and has said he is leaving. Then he sent a horrible video about evil women.

He has not rang or asked to see/speak to the children and his flight is in the morning. The children still think they're going Saturday morning for their weekend.

I don't know what or how to tell them he's gone. How do I do this in a way to minimise hurt and feelings of abandonment?? The children are from 3 years to 14years.

I feel so angry and sad on their behalf and I don't know what to do.

Thank you in advance x

@TheFormidableMrsC how awful, that must have been really difficult for you both. This seems to have been his last resort, he has threatened me before with abandoning the children but never followed through. I hope you and your son can move forward.

@Rightsedfred I've informed the police, they've not got back to me. I've just spoke to someone who has said they may delay his charge until he returns to the country. I mean, would they wait 5 years or something to charge him if he stays away?? @Gettingbysomehow The sale of the house is part of the court order so it will need to happen. We have had an offer accepted on a new house so I'd hate for that to fall through but now the whole chain is dependent on his actions. Which is making me a little nervous.

We got through the weekend okay and the children appear fine at this point.

Let's hope he stays away. Less time he has around children the better.

Don't cover for him. I'm not saying to badmouth him or anything but, always be honest with your kids about him (to the degree that's age appropriate) And say 'I'm sorry, I'm always here to listen if you want to talk'.

Hopefully they'll decide on their own as they age that he's not worth being around.

Dedicate lots of time to teaching them about morals and right and wrong. And about bullies and how we never stay around them. We choose to have kind, compassionate people who are nice to us and other people, in our lives.

You want to focus on raising them to be nothing like him. To value compassion and kindness but also, to know when to choose to be compassionate and kind to themselves by walking away from unhealthy people.

Teach them how to spot abuse.
Do the freedom program online, perhaps with the older children.

Thank you @pinkbonbon I will look at the freedom programme. I don't think I've heard of that before. Feeling pretty awful today now it's sunk in. The police responded back to say he's informed them he's left the country but they haven't said anything about a return date. I feel like he's now in control again, I've had to cancel all the plans I'd made and we're now in limbo about the house sale. Whether I can make plans or move house is all in his hands. I'm so tired of it all, it's depressing that almost a year after separating he's still capable of ruining parts of my life. Sorry for the moan and self pity, I don't feel able to talk about any of this in real life. I love my 4 kids to pieces and they are my absolute priority (which is what eventually forced me to report him and leave) but working full time and caring for the 4 of them alone is relentless.

I've only read your OP and I'm sure you will have had some marvellous advice. It's probably a very good thing that your kids won't have to spend much time with him; it'll be intense, but it's really hard to hand them over to someone you know isn't good for them. Honestly, I would wait until the kids ask you, then in an age-appropriate way explain he couldn't stay with you because he hurt you/did something bad, and that it's not their fault. And make sure they know that whatever he says or does is about him, not them, and that they can talk to you; you're on their side.

A judge can sign off the house sale order if required. Perhaps you need to seek legal advice.

in light of his disappearance and abandonment of the children can you stay in the house and have the court put it in your name? (Could you afford it?)

ensure you put in a CMS claim which can be done when fathers are abroad, to ensure he still has to make a financial contribution.

what a shit he is but good riddance and see this as your good luck! You are better without him

Report his video message to the police and what he is saying about not being there - just say you want to log it, as you are concerned it will escalate.

say nothing to the children or him. Make them available if he doesn’t show (mine often didn’t show) I waited and then said ok guys we will go bowling this afternoon.

Where is Daddy, Mummy? I don’t know sweetheart I will email and ask. I did. No reply.

Where is he? Why didn’t he turn up - sorry sweetheart I’ve asked he didn’t reply.

dont ever cover for him

Go back to your solicitor and go back to court and ask for a no contact order and a non molestation order. Meanwhile get cctv, locks changed and breathe. He’s is tightening his own noose.

I'm sorry you feel low and I'm sorry he has let your children down but this may turn out to be a blessing. I had an ex who kept DC passport, played up, was abusive. We ended up with a cast iron court order. Don't cover for him and use the police and legal system to be your allies here in helping you set up a stable safe life for you all. Now he has buggered off, is there somewhere you want to move where you would have an easier life or more support? It took more than a year for me, but life on the other side is golden

He can sign the house sale forms from overseas if he will. We did it when we sold our UK house from overseas. If he doesn't it's because he won't rather than can't.

I hope it goes well for you. Sending you strength to deal with his tantrum.

Op I know you're really concerned about the DC but right now I would be focusing on the house sale. You need to know what the position is if he is not going to sign the transfer.

Given that he has form as an abuser I would expect that he won't sign it because he wants to cause you maximum stress and expense and you will need to get a court order. This will take time and you may lose your sale and your onward purchase. Please get in touch with your conveyancing solicitor to get their advice and start progressing what you need to do to avoid losing the sale.

You could also post in the Property topic to see if other people have dealt with a transfer execution similar type problem

Thank you everyone for your responses. I will contact the conveyancing solicitor tomorrow for advice on what happens if he doesn't sign. We are both due part of the money each on the sale. I have nothing other than that money. He has 4 of his own properties so although he'll want the cash it will not drastically affect his life.

I can't afford to stay in this house, it's twice the size of the one I'm supposed to be buying.

He tricked my 6 year old into telling him the address of our new property. She said 'we played the arrows game on daddy's phone'. I finally realised she meant Google maps then she confirmed 'they'd started at her school and found it from there' and he'd congratulated her. Unfortunately she knows the way very well as its very close.

I've been on the list for counselling for almost a year, had my first one last week which went okay then today I told her what had been happening these past couple of weeks and she's said she'll have to report it as shes concerned. I've had a message this evening from the police to say thank you for reporting the incident and we'll be in touch soon. Now she's reported his behaviour will they automatically get in touch with him as if they do I fear it will just escalate the situation.

I thought things were improving but they are not. I have my parents nearby, I'm tempted to move away but if I did I'd have zero support and the children are settled in their schools and activities.