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Original poster

Had a child with the wrong man

42 replies

Gc1992 · 26/09/2024 19:31

Just as the title says really. I think I have had a child with the wrong man. He generally treats me well and looks after us, is a good dad etc. but his political views completely put me off. He is right wing, likes conservatives (that I can live with) but he is leaning towards reform and considering voting for them in the next election. This really troubles me. He’s 14 years older than me (always been a voice in my head). I know I should have listened to it at the start. My friend said would marrying him be the happiest day of your life and it wouldn’t be. It would be transactional. The problem with his views is that it puts me off him as a person. Him being older, starting to recede etc. doesn’t help with the overall attraction. I know I will sound like a complete b and really shallow in this post but I am in a bit of a mess. He is essentially not the soulmate I thought he once was.

OP posts:
Coconutter24 · 26/09/2024 19:49

If you’re not happy leave, sorry I can’t offer no better advice but I’m not really sure what to say

Pieceofpurplesky · 26/09/2024 20:29

My friend's H voted reform and she is really struggling with it. In a relationship I think people need to be politically similar.

Dumbledore167 · 26/09/2024 20:40

I get it, I’d feel pretty disgusted by those political views.

Chillimuma · 26/09/2024 20:45

How old is your child? I think we can really go off our partners in the first couple of years

sunflowersngunpowdr · 26/09/2024 22:50

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Mrsknowitall · 26/09/2024 23:26

I completely understand where you are coming from I’m “right wing” and voted reform too and if my dh all of a sudden showed me he was a leftie and voted for labour it would be a real turn off for me too, I’d look at him differently and think we were no longer compatible, tbh it would really give me the ick, so i do understand

Waitforit7 · 27/09/2024 05:27

I understand also. I couldn’t date someone left wing/ liberal/ woke, they would absolutely do my head in on their soapbox about one irrelevant issue after another. Surely he must’ve always been pretty conservative? Did your views change or did you just not care about this stuff before? Only, I wouldn’t look twice at a leftie and we’d have nothing to talk about. So things must’ve changed for you both over the years? Is he equally as irritated and put off by you? We can’t tell you what to do, if it’s a dealbreaker, break up. It says a reasonable amount about what an individual stands for- the political position they hold to, it’s not a small thing.

MillyMollyMandHey · 27/09/2024 05:36

I get it, I couldn't live with a lefty.

RedDeath614 · 27/09/2024 06:12

Why does it "really trouble you", OP?

If Reform's chairman is a Muslim immigrant, then what's your problem exactly?

Is it ignorance? If so I can see why your OH would be put off by that. You should divorce.

amothersinstinct · 27/09/2024 06:13

I don't see the problem OP we are all entitled to our political views

And yes you do sound shallow for the "receding" comment you knew his age when you got together

Chessfan · 27/09/2024 06:20

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No she doesn't. What a needlessly nasty comment.

This isn't even about politics, it's about seeing your partner support a racist, bigoted, nasty party. That's who he is, that's his values, that's the values he'll want to raise your baby with. People tend to get more extreme as they age, too. I find it vile and it would make any attraction to a partner impossible for me.

Chessfan · 27/09/2024 06:22

RedDeath614 · 27/09/2024 06:12

Why does it "really trouble you", OP?

If Reform's chairman is a Muslim immigrant, then what's your problem exactly?

Is it ignorance? If so I can see why your OH would be put off by that. You should divorce.

Is this a serious comment? Reform AE bigots, you can be a bigot and be any race or religion.

ThePlumsOfWilfred · 27/09/2024 06:29

Assuming the OP is genuine, I think they deserve more from this thread than for it to descend into a left vs right bunfight.

I think most of us want a partner whose morals and values align pretty much with our own. It can be very hard to love someone who seems to want the world to be very different from how you want it to be.

Only you know OP if you can live with it. But if you can't then try to know that early (easier said than done) rather than waste years finding it out.

frozendaisy · 27/09/2024 06:50

Just calmly explain to him that his swinging further right is giving you cause for concern.

You don't actually say your political leaning OP.

Anything to the extreme, right or left, doesn't create a functioning, steady society.

Rational debate without insults, false claims and soundbites is the only way to progress.

So just be calm and honest. You say he is basically a decent man. Perhaps he just needs to step away from online ranting and GB News for a bit.
(The receding hairline alone wouldn't bother you)

Waitforit7 · 27/09/2024 07:53

ThePlumsOfWilfred · 27/09/2024 06:29

Assuming the OP is genuine, I think they deserve more from this thread than for it to descend into a left vs right bunfight.

I think most of us want a partner whose morals and values align pretty much with our own. It can be very hard to love someone who seems to want the world to be very different from how you want it to be.

Only you know OP if you can live with it. But if you can't then try to know that early (easier said than done) rather than waste years finding it out.

Of course it’s going to descend into a left/right discussion, and why do you think she deserves more than that? The solution to her problem is clear. If he is that passionate about his political beliefs, and she cannot stomach what he stands for, then the relationship doesn’t really have a future does it?

ThePlumsOfWilfred · 27/09/2024 08:01

Because this is the relationship board not the Politics board. She appears to have asked for relationship advice. It's not much help to her to have everyone just focus on whether they agree with Reform or not because the point is the OP does not agree with their politics. As her and her partner are the ones in their relationship, it's their viewpoints that are key.

But then you went on to focus on her relationship anway so...

hattie43 · 27/09/2024 08:16

I understand . I couldn't be with a leftie socialist.

Waitforit7 · 27/09/2024 08:25

Ok, so what exactly does she expect us to say? She can’t stand him- that’s not the basis for a relationship. It’s more than a relationship issue. Even his receding hair is bothering her now.

RosaStar · 27/09/2024 08:27

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Where does she sound like a bitch? She’s struggling to cope with her partners awful political views

RosaStar · 27/09/2024 08:30

RedDeath614 · 27/09/2024 06:12

Why does it "really trouble you", OP?

If Reform's chairman is a Muslim immigrant, then what's your problem exactly?

Is it ignorance? If so I can see why your OH would be put off by that. You should divorce.

The only ignorance being shown is by you

Mcginty57 · 27/09/2024 08:34

Ask him to stop talking about politics with you. My brother is the same and voted reform, always going on about immigrants and them ruining the country. I've told him I no longer wish to discuss his political views. With regards to no longer being attracted to him because he is receding. Men can start receding in their 20s, so its a bit daft but if you no longer attracted to him youl need to end it.

Mcginty57 · 27/09/2024 08:34

RosaStar · 27/09/2024 08:27

Where does she sound like a bitch? She’s struggling to cope with her partners awful political views

Show quote history

Maybe the receding hair bit.

Oldseagull · 27/09/2024 08:36

I've got to admit to not really understanding this.

Dh and I have very different political views, we've often had a friendly debate but agree to disagree if it ever gets heated.

He has changed my mind on a few things and I've changed his mind on a few too.

MonsteraMama · 27/09/2024 08:49

I get the political views thing, it's hard, my husband is more right leaning than me and sometimes says things that get my back up. But we're not complete political opposites so we can still get on fine and have quite feisty political conversations without hating eachother.

But being polar opposites, that's harder to reconcile with.

Your comments about his age and receding hairline are uncalled for though, if a bloke came on here saying he's not sure his older wife is his soulmate as her tits are starting to sag he'd be rightly crucified. You chose to be with an older man so him aging before you is a natural consequence of that.

Practically speaking you say he's a good man, treats you well and is a good dad but not your soulmate. Ok. So now you have to make a hard decision I'm afraid - is the possibility of finding and being with your soulmate more important to you than a stable two parent household for your child? I know Mumsnet loves to tell people to leave, run, chase your happiness, think of no one but yourself! But the reality is single parenthood isn't easy and is something I truly think you should think hard about before inflicting it upon yourself and more importantly your child. If you're truly, deeply unhappy of course leave, if it's just a bit humdrum well... That's the bed you made for yourself.

Portalsalways · 27/09/2024 08:51

Then end the relationship.