Had a child with the wrong man

[Gc1992]

Just as the title says really. I think I have had a child with the wrong man. He generally treats me well and looks after us, is a good dad etc. but his political views completely put me off. He is right wing, likes conservatives (that I can live with) but he is leaning towards reform and considering voting for them in the next election. This really troubles me. He’s 14 years older than me (always been a voice in my head). I know I should have listened to it at the start. My friend said would marrying him be the happiest day of your life and it wouldn’t be. It would be transactional. The problem with his views is that it puts me off him as a person. Him being older, starting to recede etc. doesn’t help with the overall attraction. I know I will sound like a complete b and really shallow in this post but I am in a bit of a mess. He is essentially not the soulmate I thought he once was.

Jesus Christ. How pathetic

The ones that made it that we have enshrined in law things like paid holidays, paid sick leave, a five day working week, health and safety practices and free health care?

Bastards 😂😂

He's a good partner and Dad but..but....voted Reform?! 😱

Quick run for the hills, sounds like you've got your priorities in order

Such a tragedy for the child.

“He generally treats me well and looks after us, is a good dad etc. ”

Unfortunately this seems really common on mumsnet - woman shacks up with an older bloke, has kids with him and then realises he’s served his purpose and she doesn’t want him anymore. Sad for all involved, especially the child. It almost seems like some women are happy to use these men to give them children and see them as pretty disposable.

He isn't a good partner though. Op has another thread about him and has known for months she doesn't want to be with him.

I am going to guess the 'staying together for the young child' translates into 'I am concerned about finances/lifestyle if I leave'

Unfortunately, I think alot of women get so desperate to have a child they ignore the massive red flags if some other boxes are ticked. They have the child and realise they don't really like the man, then soend alot of years with everyone miserable.

She married him for his money but he's the problem because he votes for a different party.

Can completely relate to this. I once had a relationship with someone who didn’t mention any differing political views for the first year and I fell in love with him thinking that we were on the same page. I’m a very upfront person and never hid any of my views, and he knew I felt strongly about certain things. Then once we were established it became apparent that he is a MRA “equality means not perusing woman’s rights issues” and “all lives matter” type person with no appreciation of the struggles women, minorities and gay people still face in 2024. If he’d voiced his real views early on the relationship never would have progressed, but he pretended to be nice.

When challenged he claimed that it’s just part of down playing differences in the initial stages/being on your best behaviour, but I think it’s more than that. I feel like he manipulated me into having a relationship with him when he knew I’d have an issue with his views. He turned out to be dishonest in other ways too. Now you’re trapped with a child he’s showing you who he really is.

In answer to questions asked…
I’m central in my views but probably leaning slightly more towards the left on most things. The problem with his views is that it makes me not really like him as a person so I don’t really want to spend any time with him. The thought of a family day out doesn’t full me with joy so whilst I appreciate the comments telling me to think about our son, I am.

I guess what I was getting at with the comment about his hair is that sometimes you’ll have a couple who may not have loads in common but there is a massive physical attraction between them. Or you’ll have a couple who don’t necessarily fancy each other but they love everything about each other. We have neither I feel like.

Actually it was Churchill (Conservative) who conceived of a free national health service, Bevan took it up (and rightly so).

www.bmj.com/rapid-response/2011/10/31/without-winston-churchill-nhs-would-not-exist

You list several good points about him, you are all living securely. Secure in many ways. Do remember that.
Politics is not and never has been constant except at the core of Party beliefs. The Conservatives have a view that is about people taking responsibility for themselves where they can. The message gets modified and re-interpreted along the way, it ebbs and flows with pressures and oppositions over time.
It seems that he has been consistent so far. Reform & Tories are changing now.
Labour will change as they develop in government. In 12 months time all will be different.
Give him time and above all keep talking and putting other opinions to him. That will help you both form your individual opinions.

Fair enough 😂

I think two people can happily live together even if they have different political views. I’d consider myself centre left and my DP would be centre right. The problem occurs when you become uncomfortable with someone else’s views because they do not align closely enough with your own values.

It also depends on how important politics are to you both. If both of you don’t think or talk much about politics, don’t bother voting, think they’re all as bad as each other, vote for Count Binface for a laugh (this is a great idea!) then you’re unlikely to be troubled by different views, but if it’s an important part of who you are then it’s harder to ignore.

Regardless, OP, it sounds like you don’t love this man, or even like him, and so you should leave him.

I don't think the type of politics are specifically the issue here so the posters wanting to argue about specifics about where they sit on an arbitrary horizontal spectrum could do with taking the fight elsewhere. Who is politically right or wrong is completely immaterial here.

The key point is that OP and her partner don't have the same outlook on life. Some relationships have other benefits that allow partners to agree to disagree on specific issues. Clearly in this case, for OP, this isn't the case and it appears that this difference between them is spilling out into many areas of their life. If OP and partner can't find common ground then there is little hope for the relationship and they would both be best moving on.

While everyone is entitled to their own political views, how does he respond if you say you disagree with something?

Also, re the other points regarding the age gap, if you are not happy then think about leaving. That said, all of us age and changes happen. My DH is 12 years older and his hair turned grey in his forties and is now thinning. I’ve gained weight, not a lot but it’s noticeable.

What can I say, facts matter. Although perhaps not so much these days. Sadly.

No they do, you're right. I'm happy to stand corrected!