Struggling with the thought of MIL being more involved when baby arrives

[AmberPoet]

I don't want to seem unreasonable or feel like I'm pushing my MIL away (I want her to be an active part of our baby's lives), but I have this fear of her becoming too involved in our lives when our baby is born.
Cut a long story short she didn't like me when I got with my husband about 7 years ago. It's been a long journey and some effort on my part (involving her in my family) but she does love me now. My issue is, is that we do have to have boundaries with her, she has a habit when visiting to stay longer than what we feel comfortable with. Once upon a time she would rock by unannounced, even if we said no to coming around. I get on with my MIL, but she is a very different person to me. She has burnt a lot of bridges in her life, so has isolated herself and so she can be quite crabby and weird. I have had to distance myself because I don't feel wholly comfortable and it can impact my mental health with being quite introverted myself. I have a really close relationship with my family and I think that gets to her at times.
I have a fear that she is going to want to overstep those boundaries again when our baby is born, and will want to be around all of the time. But I am conscious that I will be recovering for a little while and will want to bond with baby with my husband alone too. I did consider saying no visitors until we are home and comfortable, but I really want my parents and sister to visit as soon as. But I can't do that and not let my MIL visit. I also want to restrict visit times, but I know my mum and dad will be super helpful with the housework/looking after the garden, so don't want to restrict for them. I feel completely torn. Does anyone else have experience with this?

What does your husband think about it all?

I would say you need to have these discussions with him and agree on boundaries between you- then see how you feel once baby is here. My baby is 5 months old now but while pregnant my husband & I agreed that we wanted no visitors for 2 weeks after baby was born, I wanted time to recover and have that “baby bubble”. We told everyone that was the plan and everybody accepted that, nobody had anything bad to say at all. The reality was that my baby was born and I cannot even explain how much I felt like I needed my mum, she was with me for the birth and came straight back to the hospital the next day to help me, she came to see us literally every day for the first 2 weeks as I was recovering but she wasn’t coming to see/hold my baby, she was coming to look after HER baby (me). She showered me, got me dressed, made sure my husband & I had something to eat, organised my medication for me and did my daily injections, essentially she looked after us so that we could focus on looking after our baby. We weren’t “hosting” her, she was our absolute lifeline during those days and I cannot explain how grateful we are for her.

I accepted that PIL would also want to come meet baby and that was fine, they came to see her a few days after she was born and that was a totally different situation for both my husband & I. They expected to be hosted, they were taken aback by the bomb site of blood, tears, sick, leaky boobs etc that our life was during that time, wanted teas & coffees, snacks etc made. We were both absolutely exhausted when they left and my husband told them that as lovely as it was to see them, we’d like to wait a couple of weeks to get our feet back on the ground as a family first.

Sometimes you just have to think about what makes life easiest during those hard times. My mum looked after us both, my husband and I both leaned on her a lot and she was an amazing support that we really couldn’t have coped without. My husband loves his parents (so do I) but we don’t have that same relationship with them, and so it was totally okay for us to say “thanks but not right now”.

Speak to your husband, see how he feels and what he would be comfortable with. Those early weeks are honestly just about making things as easy as possible for all involved and leaning on the support you do have. If his mum is his support then that is of course different and he may want her there to support him.

What does your husband think of his mother’s behaviour towards you?. Has he actually noticed or is he a wet lettuce/seeks her approval constantly/afraid of her when it comes to her?.

Why do you want her to be an active part of your baby’s life given her past behaviour towards you?.

It makes no sense, you need radiators in your life not drains. Start as you mean to go on and have boundaries that are consistently applied. You need to ideally present a united front. Get therapy for all and any fear obligation and guilt you have re his mother.

OP, above all you must protect your mental health.
If your MIL affects this, you have to be firm.
It is not your job to fix your MIL or make her life better.
Your positive relationship with your family is none of her business as is your relationship with your mum.

I think you sound like you have tried far too hard for this woman to like you.
First off decide EXACTLY what you want.
You then communicate this clearly to your husband.
His job to tell his mum.
You may have a natural birth or you may need a section.
Your focus should be on yourself and your baby, not managing her expectations.

Unfortunately some parents, usually women decide that a new baby will be a lovely time filler for them and make it all about them, imposing on the new family.
If it becomes an issue, tell your husband you will go and stay with your parents.

I cannot imagine anything worse than having a MIL/mother imposing on my time and home to fill their days.
This is your baby, your special time to bond.
See her when it suits you, but landing in uninvited is not on.
Make it very clear to your husband you will not tolerate her stressing you with her demands.

If she wants to be unpleasant, let her off.
Better you have zero relationship with her, than allow her think she gets to dominate your home because she has driven people away from hers.

What has your husband said? Have you discussed it? Is he good at enforcing boundaries when necessary?

Well my husband is no stranger to what I feel about his family. But I am trying to think of ways and solutions around the issue with visiting when we have a newborn, that I can communicate in a sensible way. We have had some very big arguments about his family, and I don't want it to come to this. I want to come up with some solutions that I can discuss with him, so we can come to an agreement

Well I've been accommodating to her as she is the only member of his family that he actually has a relationship with. He sees the issues, he is aware of my feelings, but still loves her and wants her to be a part of his life and so I've been trying to change my perceptions and feelings towards her. If it were my choice, I would've cut ties a long time ago.

Do not set yourself on fire to keep someone else is your h here warm. You were and remain right to have your own boundaries.

He may well want to maintain a relationship with his mother but it does not automatically follow you have to do so. His mother is not an emotionally safe person to be around and it is noted too that other family members have nothing to do with her for good reason.

And he needs therapy re his mother because he seems mired in fear obligation and guilt. His own inertia when it comes to his mother hurts him as well as you.

You are not the one who should be going head to head with your MIL. That's your husbands role.
Your problem isn't an overly involved MIL, your problem is a husband who isn't protecting healthy boundaries for his family. This is the biggest issue that needs to be addressed. When you're going to be recovering from labour, it's your husband who needs to be stepping up and taking his role as a man, which means making sure that the needs of his wife and child come before anything and everything else, including his dysfunctional relationship with his mother.

One of the most important things you need to learn as a new mum is to not forget to be selfish now and then. Most mums dive into that mother role, and with it comes so much sacrifice. Being selfish at times, putting your own needs firtst even if that hurts someone, is vital to staying afloat.
If your family will help out around the house, while MIL is a burden, don't force yourself to make rules for everyone to follow. Put yourself and your own needs first. Your baby will only benefot from having a mum who is well tended to.

Thank you. I thought I was being a bad person, but I'm starting to think that maybe I worry too much and need to put my needs 1st. I also want my mum in the delivery room, but I was going to abandon this for fear of MIL feeling left out. Her own daughter doesn't really talk to her, so I feel like she expects me to be more of a daughter sometimes. I can't live up to that.

When you do what's right for you, you will inevitably offend or hurt someone down the road. But realise this:
When you do things with the intention to take good care of yourself, the people who love you and care about you will be happy for you, even if it creates a discomfort for themselves.
Your biggest adversaries on the road to taking care of yourself, are the people who systematically put their own needs before yours. They are not your allies. They are not people whose opinions should matter. They are putting themselves first, so don't be ashamed to do the same.

I’m a mother of sons - and I would not think it strange in any way if my DS’s partner wanted her mum in the delivery room. No way would I expect the same privilege. I think some people forget that there is a woman who has given birth to be considered. It’s not about establishing equality of access to the baby!

These are very wise words. Those of us who tend to be people pleasers need to think hard about this.

I would very much like someone as understanding as you as a MIL.

The only way is to have your MIL involved and visiting exactly the same as your own parents and sister.
It is unfair to allow one grandparent to meet the newborn and the other not. Your husband should be allowed to have his family interact with his children.
Set boundaries and have all of them follow the same rules when visiting.
Maybe have a no go zone of your and baby's bedrooms where you can retreat with baby at any time.
Maybe have strict times of day and days of the week when visitors are welcome.
Maybe you have no visitors at all for two weeks after you get home.
Set lists of chores that can be helpful - like gardening.

Except for one afternoon of the weekend or birthdays etc insist on a limited number of guests at a time - say three. You might have to ask your parents to stay home one day a week so that others can have a turn to visit.

Set your boundaries but be mindful that not too far from now you will be so tired you'll be grateful that someone will mind your baby while you sleep.

You have no idea what's about to hit you.

Best of luck with the birth.

Set yourself up in the bedroom for the afternoon, and DH can take the baby down to meet them while you have a nap. He can bring baby back upstairs for a feed or if you need him back. Use your phone to tell him you need the baby back so you don’t need to go downstairs.

Never forget either that people like your MIL do not play by the normal rules of family relations so the normal rules don’t apply

. I note also without surprise that her own daughter does not speak to her. I would assume that your mother in law will flatly
ignore any boundary you care to set her.

And again your husbands inertia when it comes to his mother hurts him as well as you.

When you give birth your dm will be experiencing her baby giving birth, and that is an entirely different thing to a son becoming a father. She will be there, taking care of you, as well as welcoming a grandchild.

This isn’t a question of grandparents having equal rights. If you’re having a hard time no one rational would think that when you call your own mum for advice and support, you can substitute any other similarly aged woman and make no difference.

It is your DH’s job to facilitate a relationship between his dc and his dm. Over time the gp relationship will equalise but during the postpartum period you will need your mum’s support op and you do not need to pay for it with pro rata mil time.

I disagree where the first few days are concerned - and I have sons. A post-partum mum may well want her mum there to help her. Mine had died and DH is great in any case, helped me in the shower etc, but I’ve known plenty of women want their mum there to help them. I would not expect to get the same access in the first few days as the mother’s mum.

Yes, agreed.

You are the one giving birth, not your husband. What you say goes, at least for the first week or two until you have recovered and got feeding established etc.

Is this your first child? seems a bit unfair that you are happy for your own mum and dad to be there as and when, and have assumed that they will help with housework and the like? yet you've already assumed that MIL will be a nightmare?

I honestly think you need to have proper conversations, firstly between you and your DP/DH to establish what you expect of BOTH sets of Grandparents, and then a conversation with both sets of Grandparents and never assume they are going to do anything!

I do believe it is more natural to have your own mum around alot to start off with, especially if they are close by, but don't make MIL feel unwelcome and you do need to take DH's feelings into account also, he's going to want to have his own mum helping out too.

The rest is down to you. If you don't want visitors, then don't have them. But you do need to remember that DH has family too and they will be as excited to meet the new baby as yours.

My assumptions are based on behaviours from the past and how they've helped while I've been pregnant