Struggling with the thought of MIL being more involved when baby arrives

[AmberPoet]

I don't want to seem unreasonable or feel like I'm pushing my MIL away (I want her to be an active part of our baby's lives), but I have this fear of her becoming too involved in our lives when our baby is born.
Cut a long story short she didn't like me when I got with my husband about 7 years ago. It's been a long journey and some effort on my part (involving her in my family) but she does love me now. My issue is, is that we do have to have boundaries with her, she has a habit when visiting to stay longer than what we feel comfortable with. Once upon a time she would rock by unannounced, even if we said no to coming around. I get on with my MIL, but she is a very different person to me. She has burnt a lot of bridges in her life, so has isolated herself and so she can be quite crabby and weird. I have had to distance myself because I don't feel wholly comfortable and it can impact my mental health with being quite introverted myself. I have a really close relationship with my family and I think that gets to her at times.
I have a fear that she is going to want to overstep those boundaries again when our baby is born, and will want to be around all of the time. But I am conscious that I will be recovering for a little while and will want to bond with baby with my husband alone too. I did consider saying no visitors until we are home and comfortable, but I really want my parents and sister to visit as soon as. But I can't do that and not let my MIL visit. I also want to restrict visit times, but I know my mum and dad will be super helpful with the housework/looking after the garden, so don't want to restrict for them. I feel completely torn. Does anyone else have experience with this?

well then your mind is made up. Yes to your mum and dad and no to MIL! those are your rules! sounds like you have already made up your mind anyway!

best wishes and congratulations by the way x

It's a yes to all of them. We just need to figure out our boundaries, not access 24/7 in the 1st couple of weeks postpartum.

Thanks x

I 100% agree with this. My daughter in laws mum lives abroad and so this is what I did for them. I was there to support them being parents - not to visit or be hosted. Yes I did get some special cuddles with baby - but that was when I was asked to eg while they caught up on some sleep or had something to eat. Sometimes I literally just called to drop off that days meal. I took my cue from them. It was weeks before they felt ready to have proper visitors.

Don’t worry about having your mum’s help OP - that’s what we are there for. My son said they didn’t know how they would have survived without my support. Incidentally I considered it a privilege and would have happily stepped back if my daughter in laws mum was around to help.

You could (only if you wanted to) involve your MIL by asking her to do specific jobs or errands e.g make a quiche for supper, pick up some baby supplies or liaise with other family members on your behalf. That way she will feel part of the inner circle without being too much in your face e.g get husband to say “Hey mum, we really need time to ourselves to get used to being parents. It would be help us so much if you could hold back visitors for us - I know you understand what it’s like so can explain it better than me. Oh, and it would be really great if you could make that a healthy supper for us one day too - we love your lasagne (or whatever)”

You would be mad to deny yourself your mother in the labour suite because of your husbands mother.
She is absolutely nothing to you, beond your connection to your husband.
You have a real husband problem.
Be careful OP, women with weak men that put a difficult mother first, get the ick.
It is most unattractive.

OP listen

this is your baby, your experience, your body and YOUR birth and post partum. You can do whatever you do/don’t want to do.

of course you can have your mum round and not your MIL. They don’t come hand in hand. You will want your own mum a hell of a lot more than you’ll want your MIL and if she has an issue with that then who cares?

please, any advice you take from mumsnet take this - only do what makes YOU happy when it comes to this baby. Your mental health is more important than anybody else’s and your husband needs to support you and your wishes and not his mothers.

Your husband now needs to put both you and your child ie his own family unit first, not his mother.

Trust me, you will welcome the extra pair of hands.

Only if they actually act like an extra pair of hands, and not guests to be hosted

Don't let posts like this scare you.

Everyone kept saying this to me when I was pregnant and enforcing boundaries because at 20 weeks pregnant both mine and my husbands mother were being incredibly pushy about coming to the hospital when baby was born and how they couldn't wait to take her for the day once she was here and they would be coming round all the time to the point I ended up having a massive panic attack on Christmas day because I was terrified that everyone kept telling me they couldn't wait to take my baby!! W

hen I told them all no visitors for 2 weeks and nobody is taking my baby ANYWHERE until I am ready to part with her all the comments started rolling in "give it 3 weeks of no sleep you'll be DESPERATE for us to take her!! You'll see!! You have no idea what's coming!!"

Well. She's 5 months old and I've never let anyone take her. My mum looked after her downstairs while I was in bed sick with flu for a few hours one day, MIL did the same a few days later so I could catch up on house work once I was feeling better, that's it. No one's left the house with her. I haven't left her with anyone. Yes I'm tired, but I'm certainly not desperate for anyone to take her. She is MY baby, she won't be going anywhere with anyone until I'm ready to leave her. Which considering she's exclusively breast fed won't be a while.

You've got this. Don't let people scare you into letting them have more access to your baby and your life than you are comfortable with. It certainly is not a given you will be desperate for people to take your baby. You may need help if they're a poor sleeper or you're struggling but do you really think for one minute grandparents who are so demanding of time with your baby won't swoop in in a second to look after baby if you ask them to just because you had boundaries around your recovery from birth and your safe place at home not being invaded too often during the post partum period? Absolutely not.

Ignore the nonsense. Good luck!

I am puzzled why you think that you have to have the same visiting arrangements for you MIL as for your own Mum.
There is no reason your MIL would know how often your Mum visits unless you tell her!
MIL will want to see her grandchild. So, you can allow your MIL to see the baby on your own terms. For example, only invite her round when you husband is there to deal with her and head upstairs "for a rest" while he entertains her.
Don't let her pop round univited. Get your husband to be clear to her she must only come if it's been arranged beforehand.
If she makes a habit of overstaying her welcome switch to only meeting her on neutral grounds, such as in a cafe or park so you can leave if she gets too much.
If you can't face being around her for long periods of time you don't have to do it in the name of "fairness"