How would you react to this

[Whowhstwhenwhyhow]

My mum and I get on..we can chat bla bla bla. But she seems to have a mean streak in her towards me. I'm not the most beautiful person in the world. I think I've blossomed in my 30s more so than my 20s..I get more attention now. Not loads. But I seem to get more compliments now and I'm single and I have a handful of men that will contact me to see if I'm interested. I'm quite a kind person. I work in a hospice and see alot of sadness. People like me when they meet me in that environment and I have met alot of people in the last year due to my job. Colleagues. Families etc. I get some kind comments on my pictures on fb and one of the comments last night from a colleague was "be proud of who you are" I know she wrote that because I've had a couple of heavier situations I've handled quite well. But as we are humans we still get affected and need to look after ourselves in this sort of work.

Anyway yesterday I had a day off and went for a coffee and cake and an autumn walk. Me and my friend were tired so as fun put a filter on..I rarely use them. It was just for fun. My mum who knows I needed a mental break messaged me "whys your face so fat on that photo"
She didn't even say anything nice about having a good day or nothing.

She then snubbed my new profile photo because of the comment on being proud of myself.

This has been the case since I was a teenager. I'm mid 30s now. She calls me a poser. She won't comment or be nice. She deleted photos of me at a family event because I was fat at the time apparently my legs looked huge. She accused me of wearing a dress because I loved myself once.

I put approx 6 photos of me a year. I'm not particularly a poser or vein.

She sits on fb being nice as pie to my cousins that are dolled up. Or my cousin who writes crazy stuff because she's got a good sense of humour. But again my personality is snubbed.

She also has a horrible habit of slagging of people who big their kids up on fb for being clever smart or beautiful.

I just don't get her issue.

Block her from your social media. When she asks why tell her it’s because she can’t control her vile comments.

Your mistake is trying to ‘get her issue’. It’s irrelevant why she’s as unpleasant and undermining to you as she is. What’s important is the way it lands on you, and what you can do about it. Like a pp, I would block her on SM, and if she asks why, I would tell her it’s because of her lack of self-control.

In case it helps, my mother absolutely hates female self-confidence in anyone, including her own daughters. She thinks women should communicate solely in terms of self-deprecation, and that being on good terms with yourself is ‘being full of yourself” and A Bad Thing.

Ugh. That is just mean op. Dial down what you tell her and do your best not to take to heart the nasty comments. She’s just trying to put you back in your box. Not sure why. It clearly makes her feel better when she’s batting you down a bit. You sound lovely and have a lot to be proud about. If someone needs to put you down like that it says more about them than it does about you.

I really would stop telling or showing her things that trigger that response from her as it’s only messing with your head. Think carefully each time you share something with her - for your own sake, not hers.

This kind of thing is so depressing. II really feel for you OP.

If you were my daughter I'd be bursting with pride. You sound like a lovely person doing an excellent job with friends and interests. I'm sure you underplay your attractiveness and your mum is jealous of your youth and good looks.

With people like that you can't change them. There's something unhappy and bitter inside them that makes them make those horrible comments. I agree with blocking her on SM and spending less time with her. You deserve to be around people that raise you up rather than dragging you down.

Block her from social media, you don't need that negativity in your life.
Seriously what's wrong with some parents, id love a daughter like you sounds like you've got your head screwed on and working hard.

I’m not saying here that you HAVE got a fat face by the way… but if my mum messaged me that and whether I did have a fat face or not I’d reply ‘my face is probably fat because of the genes you’ve passed on to me’.

Block her as above, and when she asks says sweetly -

‘Oh mum don’t take this the wrong way but you come across pretty badly on there with your comments to me and I’ve had a few people point it out, asking what your problem is and saying you sound bitter and jealous! I’ve said you don’t mean it and you’ve just always been like that with me haha. But I don’t want you looking as nasty as you can come across on there. Let’s just say I’m saving face for you’ 🙂

Omg this. "Poor genes" - and then block on all socials.sges vile, and ultimately jealous of you OP. Set boundaries.

This is a lovely reply and so refreshing ♥️
I also completely agree with everyone saying to block her from your social media.
No one should treat you like that @Whowhstwhenwhyhow Especially your mother! Try and find a way to keep her negativity at bay.
Remind yourself whatever her problem is it's HERS not yours. Be happy with who you are and thankful you're not her.
I, like others, think you sound lovely 👍

If you want to salvage the relationship with her, I would sit down with her in person and explain. Use a couple of recent examples of comments you don't like and tell her how they make you feel. The normal response from a parent would be "I am horrified to hear I've hurt you. I will never say anything like that again. I am so sorry." If you get anything other than this, you have a problem.
Responses like "I'm just being honest", "I can't help what I think", or "You're being too sensitive", are really nasty. If my mother responded with any of those things I would just say to her, "I acknowledge your opinion Mum, but this is a major issue for me, and it's something that has to change in order to salvage our relationship going forward." In other words I would make it very clear that I was no longer prepared to put up with her vicious behaviour. If she didn't change her ways, I would see her much less, perhaps just in big family groups. If she complains or anyone else asks why, I would be honest and say I was no longer prepared to put up with her saying I was fat and unattractive because it hurts too much from the person who is supposed to love you most.

This is my mum I think females with confidence! Its made a light bulb moment in my head. My mum has had health issues (hip issues) all her life. Always been a stay at home wife who's cooked and cleaned. She had the ability and choice up until maybe 10 years ago to mix, mingle and do her own thing. She had minimal social life away frin my dad. He's not controlling. She just did her housework and read her books. Boring in my opinion I would be lonely. She did socialise at the pub and stuff with my dad. So she did go out on Friday nights and stuff. So she sort of did get out. I do sympathise with her as I understand she can't run or ride a bike and she is only 5ft so clothes are harder for her to find etc. She has low self confidence I think! But she's got such a sharp tongue.

It's hard to understand why she feels so uncomfortable with me being liked or fancied. I'm not tarty just a normal woman. I smile on photos. Wear basic makeup and wear leggings and jeans like most women. I dont expect any mother to want to know anything in detail about her child's love life etc. But I feel like it's deeper than that to the point where it violates her to even think of me being attractive to anyone.

She actually questioned if my sons football coaches wife knows he texts me not long ago. I was shocked. My kids go round their house for play dates and he drives my son to football..I'm more friends with him than his wife. But I've stood and chatted through thr training with his wife several times.

She's just so weird at times

I had to remove my mother from fb for stuff like this. Do it!

Your mother is absolutely toxic.
What is very sad for children like you is how insidious these remarks are and how they burn into your DNA.
She is an unhappy, nasty, begrudging person who has nothing good to say about anyone behind their back.
Toxic.
As advised, block her completely on SM.
See less of her.
Tell her little or nothing about your life.
She will not change.
Parents like yours take your peace and cause a core sadness that definitely impacts mental health.
Protect yourself OP.
You sound like a lovely person.

She has not changed since your own childhood. This is who she is and she is not going to change. It’s not your fault she is like this and you did not make her that way.

Where is your dad?

Drop the rope she holds out to you and reduce all contact levels to zero sum. No good will come to you if you keep your toxic mother in your life. You need to grieve for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got. Read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward.

Keep at arms length block from seeing your SM posts, have a frank talk about how these comments make you feel and you’d prefer not to feel hurt by your mother.

Makes me so sad and angry that mothers bring down the confidence of their children because of their own issues.

You sound like you've got your priorities in life right and a positive attitude. Do NOT let her piss on your parade.

My mother never complimented/praised me. She thinks my head will get big. As a teenager/adult my self-esteem was zilch - but its better as I get older!

How horrible. I don't know why she's like that but I would not be having someone making me feel bad about myself. Tell her once, your rude comments on my pics/socials are really upsetting and if you can't say anything nice, just don't say anything. If you disregard this I will block you. I've had enough of it.
Then she's had a warning. If one more rude thing then block.

She sounds just like my mother OP and my life has been significantly better since I blocked her about 15 years ago

She s just a nasty toxic narcissist Individual and you're better off without this in your life

I will never forget on my 21 at birthday her leaning over and saying nastily, you've got your dad's nose so I promptly responded yesterday, and your moustache.

She immediately took offence because people like this think they can do and say whatever they want to make themselves feel important but heaven forbid anyone return the favour

Yeah it's strange. She's missed out on years of lovely closeness with us. She's never been good with my kids either. She makes out she is interested in them. But the snide comments now go over to my 9 year old daughter. My 9 year old is an anxious overthinker who is obsessed with her hair and style and she's cute with it. My mum sees her as trying to be older than she is. I see a little girl who wants to be a mini grown up and have necklaces and pretty things.
I have really cut back in the last few years. It's hard though. I feel quite confused by her. There's been years when I've been angry at her. I think it's sad she picked her phone up this morning to message me that. What must go through her mind sometimes.

I think you should keep your dd well away from her.

One of the best pieces of advice I’ve ever been given was from a therapist, who told me
“You are not responsible for what others think, say or do”
Took me a while to put this into practice but since I did it’s made my life so much easier.

Let what your mum thinks, says or does no longer be your problem - it’s hers.

Please don't make the mistake of believing that any of your mother's vitriol is your responsibility or stemming from anything you've done. She is a deeply troubled, bitter, malignant personality and that has nothing at all to do with you. You are merely her easy target, because she knows nobody else on earth would ever tolerate this abuse.

Block her from your social media at the bare minimum, and I suggest you block her almost entirely from your life. She doesn't deserve to be in it.

Sorry but she's obviously insecure and jealous! Suggest to her that she try to be more positive towards you and show more support!

This is perfect.

I can kind of relate to this. My mum doesn’t make mean comments but she definitely finds it really really difficult to compliment me or praise anything I do. I’m the oldest of three girls and she gushes about them if they are dressed up and looking good or if they achieve something, but for some reason less so with me. Sometimes I feel like a child looking for her approval and that it’s big headed of me to be wanting compliments at my age (mid forties!) And I’ve never been able to call her out on it. What would I say? You’ve never told me I look nice? Or that I’ve done something well? It’s hard because she’s in all other respects a nice person and it’s nothing she’s done as such. I’ve wondered what it’s about all my life. I’m done trying to analyse her. We get on well and I’d say we are close as long as I make peace with this.
I’d have to call her out if she actually said anything mean.