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Original poster

Does my husband have an ulterior motive?

32 replies

xxAshleighxx · 25/09/2024 18:43

Does my husband have an ulterior motive?

Basically, he’s recently found out that another couple we know are trying for a baby and going to be buying a bigger house.

We hung around with the couple for a short time a couple of years back, but basically stopped because all they wanted to do is drink. Although we never fell out.

It’s common knowledge that the women has been cheating on her other half for the whole relationship. We live in a small town and everyone pretty much knows everyone else’s business. I’m actually surprised her other half doesn’t know.

My husband says he is going to send the other half an anonymous message, telling him all about this women’s infidelity.

I don’t understand why he would want to do this and what he expects to get out of it?

I know my husband has a bit of a soft spot for her, after him making a few comments about her being attractive in the past.

Do you think this is strange behavior? I don’t know what to think really. It’s got me paranoid into thinking he wants her single. He’s never cheated or shown any such behavior in the past.

OP posts:
Fizzadora · 25/09/2024 18:45

FGS if he was cheating on her everyone woman on Mumsnet would be falling over themselves to make sure she knew.
Why haven't you told him before now?
Edited to add, I think you need to take a long look at your relationship if you are this suspicious of your husband's intentions.

vincettenoir · 25/09/2024 18:49

On the basis of what you have said the recent change is that the wife is expecting a baby and maybe your dp takes a dim view of the husband potentially bringing up someone else’s kid unknowingly.

My guess is the husband knows about the affair already if everyone else in your village does.

Original poster
xxAshleighxx · 25/09/2024 18:51

Fizzadora · 25/09/2024 18:45

FGS if he was cheating on her everyone woman on Mumsnet would be falling over themselves to make sure she knew.
Why haven't you told him before now?
Edited to add, I think you need to take a long look at your relationship if you are this suspicious of your husband's intentions.

Edited

It’s none of my business. I was never massively close to her, let alone her other half. My husbands known for a long time, it just seems strange he wants her other half to know now that they’re trying or a baby and looking to move.

OP posts:
PosiePetal · 25/09/2024 18:58

Yes, it seems strange. My first thought is that he is envious of them for potentially moving to a bigger house and starting a family. It would give me a bad feeling about my partner and why they would care about people they don’t spend time with and drink too much. Especially as he is not particularly close to the husband.

Laura0076 · 30/09/2024 06:54

I'd like to think your husbands involvement now is because he feels a baby shouldn't be brought into such a horrible situation.

As by the sounds of it...if he'd of wanted to sleep with her it doesn't sound like she's off limits. .to anyone.

DustyLee123 · 30/09/2024 06:57

I find it strange that a man is this interested in another relationship. I’m assuming that he fancies her, and doesn’t want her getting so involved with this other guy as he likes to think he could have her if he wanted.

Sassybooklover · 30/09/2024 07:03

Being married to someone who's cheating and has been throughout the marriage, is one thing....bringing a baby into a marriage like this is quite another. Perhaps your husband thinks that this woman could become pregnant and her husband could potentially be bringing up another man's child or the simple fact the relationship isn't what it seems and is hardly a stable environment for a child? Moving to a bigger house, again that's another level of commitment. Personally, I wouldn't interfere, it's not his relationship and you never know what is going on, in someone else's marriage. For all he knows, they could have an 'open' marriage, and the husband may know!!

Dubuem · 30/09/2024 07:25

Why has your husband suddenly got his moral compass out when he was happy to socialise and keep schtum before?
If it's as "small town common knowledge' as you say, likely her husband already knows and this move/baby is a new start for them.
Your husband seems to be virtue signalling here for reasons only he truely knows. Hopefully he keeps his nose out.

Thedreamlife · 30/09/2024 07:35

Perhaps her husband knows, perhaps they have a open relationship. Could be a medical reason,she sleeps with other people. Maybe as a couple they have changed and now want to move on. There is a huge difference between just sex and being in a loving couple.

I think people need to mind their own business and look deeper into there own lives. Children are not involved sounds like this couple have been together for a while, and sound happy together.

Their normal could be completely different from your normal.
Depending on an age thing, the younger generation now date and look at things completely different to how I dated in my youth.

What's normal?

OldScribbler · 30/09/2024 07:43

MYOB seems relevant here!

Nothanks17 · 30/09/2024 08:22

The guy deserves to know, bless the poor man everyone in his village knows other than him.

Your husband might help the guy out of buying a new house with a cheater and think long and hard about his future with the woman.

How would you feel if it was you and everyone in the village knew your husband was cheating - you would feel betrayed and like everyone had the upperhand on you living a lie.

You never know they might have an arrangement or open relstionship for her to do this.

I can see how you will think about his motives, I think we all would in your shoes, if he's found her attractive x

Bennetty · 30/09/2024 08:29

His motives could definitely be that he just doesn't want to see this poor guy getting in too deep and having a baby and buying a big house with a woman who's not even being faithful to him.

If you're worried about his motives, it's definitely time to take a moment to examine your relationship and why you don't trust him. I understand the impulse to be suspicious, but there's some pretty solid grounds to believe he's doing this for good reasons.

ManhattanPopcorn · 30/09/2024 08:32

Maybe he just likes the guy and feels sorry for him.

I really don't understand how you can spin this to be about him wanting her single unless you think your husband is a manipulative philanderer.

twomanyfrogsinabox · 30/09/2024 08:40

Just because 'everyone knows' doesn't actually mean it's true. Gossip gets spread and gets a life of its own sometimes, by the time it's been around everyone twice it's the absolute gospel. If you were her best friend and she had confided in you you might actually know. Was your DH a bit closer to her than you thought one of her apparent conquests? Or is he jealous she didn't jump on him if her infidelities are so well known.

Beastiesandthebeauty · 30/09/2024 08:50

If a woman had decided to ttc and we knew her man was cheating we would be screaming ltb before you're trapped blah blah. When kids and assets come in it's a whole new ball game being chained to someone for 18 years.

TheNameIsDickDarlington · 30/09/2024 08:53

The time to tell the husband was before there was a baby on the way.

Can you ask your DH why he was happy to keep quiet all this time?

Skyrainlight · 30/09/2024 09:02

I think the husband deserves to know. I respect your husband for telling him. Why on earth would someone want to bring a child into a marriage where there is already cheating going on. It's just pain and instability for the future of the child. Clearly you don't care about anyone but yourself but other people do.

13Ghosts · 30/09/2024 09:04

Maybe your husband just doesn't think a child deserves to be born into a marriage that will probably end in divorce if her husband discovers cheating later and questions if child is his, worse if child isn't his.

Monday55 · 30/09/2024 09:11

Or your husband fancies said woman and he doesn't want to see her have a happy ending with someone else. Proper school ground stuff.

gannett · 30/09/2024 09:58

This thread is a bit batshit. There's a thread every week from a woman wondering if she should "say something" about someone else's infidelity and no one ever accuses her of ulterior motives.

Personally I think one's beak is better kept out of other people's relationships but obviously OP's husband has been motivated to "say something" because his friend is now marrying a woman who's cheating on him which takes their relationship to a different level.

Anonymous messages are for cowards though. If he wants to say something he should do it properly.

harrumphh · 30/09/2024 10:21

It's obviously because of the baby.

She wouldn't even know who the father was with 100% certainty.

It's weird that this makes you suspicious of your husband. I'd find it weird you weren't also wanting to tell him before he gets tied into this for the next 18 years.

xmaswiththeinlaws · 30/09/2024 12:30

Your husband isn't the other man is he? That could explain why he might be overly invested.

Piwi1625 · 30/09/2024 12:58

xxAshleighxx · 25/09/2024 18:43

Does my husband have an ulterior motive?

Basically, he’s recently found out that another couple we know are trying for a baby and going to be buying a bigger house.

We hung around with the couple for a short time a couple of years back, but basically stopped because all they wanted to do is drink. Although we never fell out.

It’s common knowledge that the women has been cheating on her other half for the whole relationship. We live in a small town and everyone pretty much knows everyone else’s business. I’m actually surprised her other half doesn’t know.

My husband says he is going to send the other half an anonymous message, telling him all about this women’s infidelity.

I don’t understand why he would want to do this and what he expects to get out of it?

I know my husband has a bit of a soft spot for her, after him making a few comments about her being attractive in the past.

Do you think this is strange behavior? I don’t know what to think really. It’s got me paranoid into thinking he wants her single. He’s never cheated or shown any such behavior in the past.

Is there more to his agenda? Could he have been involved with her, therefore trying to disrupt this woman's life. It does sound strange that he wants to get involved, especially that you guys are not close with this couple.

Noglitterallowed · 30/09/2024 14:55

When you add in a child everything gets more complicated so I’d say this was your husband not wanting a potential child caught in the middle of this. It’s a bit odd that you’ve gone in so deep to automatically assume he wants a price of her? Surely if he wanted that he could have by now if she’s know for sleeping about?

chisanunian · 30/09/2024 14:58

OP - how did your husband find out this news about this couple's potential baby and moving house? So who told him and how did they find out, or did it come from the horse's mouth? It is relatively unusual for couples to announce to all and sundry that they are trying for a baby.

But it wouldn't be out of the question for a woman to break off an affair with someone and tell them it is because she and her partner had decided to start a family.

I'd start looking a bit more closely at your DH if I were you.