Cheated again & so confused

[HomelessChickens]

Long term relationship of 17 years. My partner cheated on me and I found evidence 2 years later in graphic form on a laptop. This floored me. I stayed with him, but the respect for him just disappeared.
Second time, I found condoms, lube, and butt plug type toys inside the boot of his car, in the part where the spare wheel is kept. He denied and said they belonged to his friend who had borrowed his car twice. I asked his friend he said they were his, which he took with himwhen he went on a casual date when he used our car.. I didnt know what to believe. Obviously partners friend is going to lie to protect him.
A few days ago, I had used my partners mobile to take some photos of our new Dogs. My mobile is not great for pic taking, and his is.
Two days ago I asked my partner if I could use his mobile to transfer pics to my mobile and he was happy for me to do so.
I did this, and then decided I would look at his text messages. Wrong I know, but I did. I found he had been conversing with a woman who I know of, and for whatever reason there was a pic of a woman in uniform, and my partner text the words " I would love to see you in this" and then pur the emoji with the tongue hanging out the side. It made me feel sick and I am still shaking with anxiety.
I went ballistic at my partner and told him that this time it is over for good. No more second chances. He wants us to stay together.
He cannot see what is wrong, that it was a joke comment. I told him I see nothing funny in that comment.
The reason why I have not left before? I cannot afford to. I am not young, have no one in my life, mental illness, I do work, but earn little and it suits me as due to being unwell I have certain limits as to what I can do without being overwhelmed and breaking down. This is a lifelong mental health illness I have.
Partner says he will give me £15,000 to leave. It is his house, and we have lived together for 15 years. I have paid into the house, made large household purchases, paid towards bills,food and other expenses. He paid the mortgage which he said he wanted to solely do.
Do I take the £15,000 and find somewhere to rent at my age, which is 58, with my pets. It may sound a fairly large sum but in terms of renting a property it will not last long.
I know what I need to do, but part of me is thinking do I give up the home and garden which I love, in order to live alone, be poor, and have no support, or do I overlook the text he sent to that woman. This is why I have not left before.
Just to add we dont sleep together, separate rooms, no affection...nothing.
Please dont respond harshly. I have no one else to ask for advice. Thank you.

He is a serial cheat and he's now offering you money to leave. I think you know what you need to do. This isn't a man who respects or cares for you. I'm sorry.

I would get some legal advice to make sure the £15,000 is the best choice financially. There might be a way to get more by going to court or something. But definitely leave him.

Just take the money and go about your business. As the first comment says, this man doesn’t respect or care for you. Why would you overlook the message he sent (and shit from the past) just to live somewhere with a garden. Fuck that

Thank you for replying. I need to hear the truth from others and this is why I wrote my post. I have not one other person in my life who I could tell about this situation.
I hate to ask but the text he sent the other woman "I would love to see you in that" with regards to the pic of a uniform, is that enough of a reason to leave, in itself?
I feel sick. I put so much effort and time into the house and garden. It has been my safe place for me due to my mental health issues. I felt relaxed here.
The thought of having to move at my age, and start again renting and all the costs of that make me feel scared. I have my pets that are my reason for being alive.
I have medication which I have to take daily, but even so this anxiety is eating me up. I cannot ask for help from the mental health team or Doctors as they are useless, in my experience.
I need to find some courage and leave I know.

It depends tbh. You sleep separate and no affection anyway. Is that since the infidelity? Either you've not dealt with past infidelity and you've been separate since or lack of intimacy pre-dates it all. You can't expect that a man who has casually been shagging in the past is not going to continue when in a sexless relationship.
If you aim to continue being sexless and affectionless, you can't expect him not to go elsewhere.
If you are OK with being as you are, and can accept that he gets his needs serviced elsewhere, you could have an open relationship and continue life as is, but you have to accept it.
Otherwise, hang out for more. £15000 is his first offer, if you turn it down and give a counter offer, you might get more out of him if he is keen for you to go. Are there any DC's involved?

No children.Not married.
No intimacy in over 5 years caused by how I felt about him cheating. Nothing. We just carried on, and we did get on very well, aside from his cheating.
My medication and the menopause took away any feelings for me as well.
He said he was fine with no intimacy, he did not find it a problem, but obviously he does judging by his behaviour.
I am a young in outlook older person, who keeps healthy, and wants to do lots of things as I have missed out so much I feel, as mental health issues took a lot of years away from me.
He is older, miserable and acts like an old man. This frustrated me in many ways. I dont find him attractive. He is not very healthy due to his lifestyle, smoking with COPD. We are so different, but we did get on well.
Sorry I am not making much sense.
I know I have to leave. I just feel sick at having to deal with this.

You either need to accept an open relationship with him (personally i wouldn't, it doesn't sound like he has any respect for you at all) or you need to look to move on. I certainly wouldn't take the 15k. Go see a solicitor, i assume you don't have children from what you have said? Legally the separation needs to ensure that you are not being left dependant on the state, so he will have to pay you out sufficiently to prevent that, which would certainly be more than 15k. Go see a solicitor, don't tell him. Get everything ready then kick him out and file for divorce. Laughing at your reaction to what you found even if there was nothing in it genuinely, but given the history is disrespectful.

This was always on the cards if there was no intimacy. But what is wrong is his disrespect for you. He should have left you or been open about his needs.

I would go to see a Solicitor, but seeing as it is my partners or rather now ex partners house, I will not have a claim to anything.
It was mentioned earlier that I could kick him out, but I can't as again its not my house, its his with his name solely on the mortgage. We have no children together.
Thank you all for replying. I am going to just have to find a place to rent and do it. I hate myself for not having left earlier but I am vulnerable in many ways and so chose the easier option of staying.

It’s very unlikely that you would have a successful legal claim to the property. And it would cost a lot.

£15k is probably a good offer.

Sounds like you haven’t been in a proper relationship since the first time you found out he cheated. It’s over.

What you do next is up to you. But o think you need to understand he will keep sleeping with other people.

Probably a good time for you to leave before you end up being his carer. COPD, if still smoking, he might last 5 years.
No point in a solicitor as you know you are not legally entitled to anything and really just reliant on his good will. He doesn't have to give you anything unfortunately and whether you need benefits to survive is irrelevant.
You can still try and negotiate a deal, strike while the iron is hot, he might be more reasonable if feeling guilty.
I think one day, when you have your independence and you see how his health is failing, you'll be glad you got out when you did.

All good replies. Thank you.
We were not married.
About his COPD, I always tried to help him with giving up smoking but he still smokes and eats badly too and had a bowel cancer scare. Cancer runs highly in his family.
It did worry me because I could not be a carer. I had watched my father smoke himself literally to death whilst having COPD. I lost other family members through their addictions which ultimately led to their deaths.I could not go through that again, trying to help and it being of no use.
I am going to take the £15,000 and look for somewhere to live.

If he dies, you could find yourself with nowhere to live and no money.

So it’s best to sort yourself out now.

I agree with others, take the 15k and run before he realises he doesn’t even have to give you that amount and retracts the offer. Unmarried and no shared children, a home he entirely owns, you could bankrupt yourself trying to fight for more only to end up with £0 at the end of it.

I’m sorry OP, let this be the first day of your fresh start.

Yes take the money and start a new life OP.
Best wishes for your future.

He had drawn up with a Solicitor a will that gave me the house plus private insurances? he has. I have seen this and it is all genuine and signed through the Solicitor.
I have never had much money, and it has never bothered me, was used to it, but obviously it does now.

That is irrelevant as he’s still alive, he can change that will tomorrow.

I have paid into the house, made large household purchases, paid towards bills,food and other expenses.

You would have paid bills and food wherever you lived but do your contributions to home improvements and large household purchases exceed 15k? If so, that’s the figure that you should ask for. Paid into house = paid part of the mortgage?

Your mental health is shit because you're with this man. You have been lying to yourself for so long you don't know if you're coming or going. Get away from this twat and live an authentic life, because you haven't been for a very long time.

Try to negotiate up and ask for £20,000?

Does he have children from any previous unions ?

If so I wouldn't be entirely sure you are the beneficiary of his will.

With what leverage? The OP isn’t actually entitled to a penny, there is a massive risk with any kind of push for more that he says “okay, you get £0”

And? He could change that.

He could have changed it years ago. He dies, you find out you have no home and no money.

So again, it’s best to sort yourself out now.

They aren’t married, and the house is in his name. Sadly, 15k is probably more than she would get going down a legal route

I would take the cash- pay 6 months rent and check if you can claim benefits if you are on a low wage- rent paid up front doesn't count, you can still claim if you are under the limits for claiming- even for the months you have paid up front for. I probably would ask him to up it to £17k to cover deposit and moving. I have had a similar situation in past and checked it all out as I knew I would struggle to rent if it was based purely on income- and am a few years older than you. A sleazy older bloke is very off putting and I understand how you feel about intimacy too- it totally killed it mentally for me.