So tired and worn down by drama-not sure how to handle

[Booksandwine80]

I honestly feel at the end of my tether and a stressful birthday has been the last straw.

I have a very difficult relationship with my mum, I usually manage to bite my tongue but snapped a few weeks ago because I was tired and she made another snide/critical comment and I’d had enough. We cleared the air, and whilst I didn’t apologise completely I did acknowledge I didn’t handle it well. Fast forward to birthday and I was summoned to fetch my card and present. She has become very reluctant to visit our house as she claims the traffic is too bad (she doesn’t even drive, my dad does and he’s not bothered by said “awful traffic”. It’s made me feel like I’m just an inconvenience to her and she couldn’t even be bothered to visit on or around my birthday.

This tainted my birthday a bit as I felt a bit sad. Then SIL turns up on my birthday just before we left for the school run. Burst into the house, didn’t acknowledge me or wish me happy birthday. DH was like “Erm, are you ok” and she went off on one about how stressed she is and she’s having issues at work blah blah blah. She eventually goes “oh hi,sorry I’m so stressed out. Happy birthday”. WTF? Who behaves like this? It’s not unusual for her, she is a compete drama lama but I’ve had enough now. She really upset me.

I told DH that how she behaved has really upset me, maybe it wouldn’t have bothered me so much if I wasn’t already feeling sad about my mum.

I’ve also got drama with a mum from school as she has taken offence to the fact that as I work full time I often collect DD and rush straight home. She’s taken this personally and messaged to ask if she had done something to upset me. I feel like I’m walking on eggshells now, I sought her out yesterday to let her know we had to rush off. Why am I explaining myself and going out of my way?!

I’m so tired and done with people. I’ve even given serious thought to packing us up and moving as there is nothing here for us and I quite like the idea of being too far way for people to pop in 🤣

Sorry this was so long, I don’t know what to do about any of this

You must be exhausted and overwought because you are responding so disproportionately to three very minor things.

Just don't obey a 'summons' to collect your birthday present Tell your mother to put it in the post if she doesn't want to deliver.

While I would be mildly taken aback at my SIL bursting into the house at breakfast time on a week morning, I assume this was explained by whatever emergency was going on in her life? (Also, if anyone showed up at our house at breakfast time on a work/school day, short of a severed limb, no one would take the slightest notice of them, we're all so busy dashing around throwing things in bags, finding jackets etc.) She did acknowledge your birthday -- surely you don't expect it to be as important to her as it is to you? I'm very fond of my three SILs, but I don't think anyone of them have the faintest idea when my birthday is. I don't know theirs either, unless they throw a party and invite me. If they had something that was causing them enough stress to show up to talk to DH early in the morning on a weekday, I wouldn't expect them to be considering my birthday!

I think you're waay overreacting to the school run thing. A quick reply saying 'You haven't done anything, I just don''t have time to chat on my way to work' was all that was required. Nothing requiring 'walking on eggshells'.

There's clearly something making you this reactive...?

She didn’t burst in at breakfast time it was afternoon. It was nothing to do with needing to speak to DH, she keeps him in the dark about most aspects of her life (he found out she was having cancer treatment via Facebook). This is just the tip of the iceberg with her, she makes every occasion about her and her problems.

what’s making me “so reactive” is people being complete drains. As for the school mum, she’s very timid and a worrier. I’m now worried about hurting her feelings as this text from her was after I rushed off without speaking at pick up the other day. She’s also guilt tripped me by saying her DD feels like they’ve upset us as well so I have a bit of guilt about the little girl being upset.

I posted here and not AIBU thinking I might get a little support instead of judgment and insinuations that it’s my issue somehow?

I posted here and not AIBU thinking I might get a little support instead of judgment and insinuations that it’s my issue somehow?

I'm not 'insinuating' anything. I do think it's your issue.

I'm not suggesting it's necessarily your fault, but you do seem to me to be violently overreacting to two very minor things (your stressed SIL not acknowledging your birthday as soon as she came in the door, and the text from the other parent on the school run) -- you clearly have a difficult ongoing relationship with your mother, which is obviously a much bigger thing, but maybe stop biting your tongue all the time. Just see less of her.

I mean, the only person who can control how you react to things is you. You allowed the behaviour of two other people to 'taint' your birthday in your own mind. As you can't control how other people behave, all you can do is be more centred and grounded at the centre of your own life, and be less reactive.

Sounds like you're keeping a lot in. Why do you bite your tongue with your mum? What would happen if you asked her to keep her snide remarks to herself?

When she says jump you say how high. You don't have to do anything at her command, you're a grown woman. If she doesn't want to come to yours that's fine, but visit her only when you have the time.

The school mum sounds insecure and needy. If you don't want the hassle, then be polite but distant. Text her back and say you work so don't always have the time and it's nothing personal.

As for your SIL, she obviously forgot which is hurtful. She sounds quite self absorbed so I would lower my expectations.

Hello,
I'm sorry to hear that your mother is so critical of you! That must be really difficult. And it's never nice to feel like one is an inconvenience.

Can you focus on your husband and your child/children? They celebrated you on your birthday, I'm sure, and they made you feel important. They love and cherish you. They are the most important persons in your life, not your SIL or a school mum.

What do you think is the common factor in all these dramas?

Thank you for getting it. DH and DD made a huge fuss of me on my birthday morning. I’ve always said the 3 of us are my family really and we are a little trio. We are absolutely going to focus on our little family and stop trying to please people. SIL even tried to invite herself to lunch on my birthday and even suggest we change our plans as to where we were going 🙄 DH was working late on my birthday so we wanted to have lunch just the two of us

Sil has had cancer, I think the self absorbed one might be OP.

People with cancer can say happy birthday.

And the SIL did say 'Happy Birthday', just not the moment she came in the door.

She talked about herself for a while then 'remembered' it was her SIL birthday. Apparently she's always has some kind of drama. She sounds self absorbed.

She’s been in remission for some years now. But has endless “health” issues like a hernia which makes it impossible to eat apparently. Funnily enough at family meals she manages a huge meal, sides and dessert 🙄

I didn’t expect her to be all over me on my birthday but the way she behaved was just weird. DH agreed and he’s very level headed.

If she has a hiatal hernia, they do make it impossible to eat as your stomach is coming through your oesophagus… you sound like the nasty one in all these scenarios. Think you moving away with your trio would do everyone a favour…

Have to say I agree with Somewherearound. However, I'm currently all over the place with my hormones, (age 49) stressed with work, family life (3 teens), elderly mum, friends etc and it is very easy to take things the wrong way, over-react and become incredibly irritable.

I get that, but would it be possible to eat burger, fries, onion rings and dessert with one?

I’m not remotely “nasty”, we have a big circle of friends of all ages and walks of life and there is never any issue. SIL on the other hand regularly falls out with friends, but it’s never her fault strangely. She’s known in the family as the “dramatic” one and always has been right from teenage years.

Ha, love your “clever” post 🙄try harder next time darling.

Ummm - I read that as a perfectly reasonable post and something you should reflect on. Your response to @Edingril does rather suggest you're part of the problem... 😳

If they had elaborated I might agree, however on this occasion I feel they were trying to be amusing and clever. Just for context again around SIL, literally 3 minutes ago she has posted a vague status on Facebook about her “struggles and illness”. Now a flurry of “OMG are you ok hun” to which her reply is “I will inbox you hun” 🙄 honestly do not think this is me.

Step back. Its winding you up. She can do drama without you reading/listening.

Mute of social media. Give your head a rest from it.

I suspect, and I don't mean this snarkily at all @Booksandwine80 that the fact you read the post in that way is indicative of you being hyper-reactive at the moment, because you're stressed out. That then makes everything seem more significant than it is and things become a horrible vicious circle. I know that because I've been there too! The only way is to try and detach from stressors, which is much easier said than done. Try the calm app - it's currently doing wonders for my equilibrium if that helps.

What is it in your life that feels so stressful? I think the three examples you have mentioned are fairly ordinary things and shouldn't be so stressful that you reach the level of snappiness that you have displayed on this thread. Could it be hormonal or something? It does feel like you are taking it out on the wrong people, especially the school mum. She has probably just noticed that you seem unhappy/stressed and wants to ask if you are OK but first needs to know if it's personal against herself.

I’m not unhappy or stressed at school, just in a rush to either get home to carry on working or get to swimming lesson once a week. I seem to have to acknowledge why I can’t stop or they both get upset.

These are less drama and more irritations, if I get like this I have to avoid people for a little bit-just give the school mum a wave then carry on, tell your mum to post it or save it until you see her and your SIL, well if that's word behaviour for her it may be because she's stressed about something,or not but just detach for a bit.

@Booksandwine80 I get it, you are constantly running around like a headless chicken and feel you have to keep explaining to people why you can’t pop in on demand, stay back and chat etc etc, when all you want to do is get on.

My mum calls me for the most stupidest things going, it’s generally a chore/task she wants doing right away.

I have learnt to take step back (it’s hard) but deep breath, cup of tea and tell myself I’m putting myself first, everyone else and their feelings can wait.

I think you sound overwhelmed and some of the replies on here have been less than helpful. Some people come on here just to kick people when they’re down as they’ve got little else on going on in their lives and it makes them feel a bit better about themselves - so ignore them.

You sound lovely and maybe you’ve ended up being a people pleaser as you’re scared of upsetting people. People pleasers do eventually snap though and what might look like ‘minor’ irritations to some are actually the final straws for you.

Time to find your voice and find your ‘no’ which might feel uncomfortable at first (and will probably shock those who are used to walking all over you and taking your kindness for granted) and you might even get some push back (“god …what’s wrong with HER!” Type reactions) but it will be worth it in the long run.