Why do some people repeatedly cheat?

[Stickinthemuddle]

This is about my BIL.

About a decade ago just after they’d had a baby his first wife found out he had a mistress who he then left her for abc married. 8 years on we’ve now heard they split over the summer (they have a 3yo) because she’s also found out he’s got a mistress he also intends to marry.

It’s caused so much profound stress and heartache especially for my PIL. I can’t believe after the trauma last time he’s done it again?! Is this just going to be his life now? He’s financially ruined if nothing else.

They are people who don't have much confidence in their self and think that this makes them important.

@Stickinthemuddle
People cheat for different reasons.
Your BIL’s situation seems to be related to having kids and not being the centre of attention. The new woman in his life better not have kids with him. Or it’ll happen again.

Personally - I don’t thing it means that he is a horrible person - as in he is not a murderer, etc. But he is certainly a weak, needy and selfish individual. Prioritising his needs himself over others.
I don't know what is it about men - but I think many are like this. When kids come around - we, women, put our needs aside, at least for a while - and raise the kids. Men often struggle and are unable to do that.

Is it about how we raise boys? Or is it some sort of evolutionary flaw?

@jsku yeah perhaps that’s how to talk to the kids about it. A weakness he should be working on

How old are your kids? Are they asking about their uncle’s life choices - as its not what kids usually do.

Personally I’d not be telling the kids more than age appropriate. And I’d not be telling them ‘weakness he should be working on’. They sort of need to learn to make their own conclusions.
I’d be factual. And talk about impact of his choices - and why I think he made them.

I think kids can understand that people make mistakes and make bad choices. And some people chose to be selfish. And will not ‘work’ on their flaws.

being unhappy in their current relationship, thrill of the chase, fear of being alone and single? or just plain arseholes... i think is a foreone conclusion that the women he leaves his wives for, will find themselves in the same situation further down the line..

Well he's cheated twice that you know of, and in both cases he married or intends to marry his affair partner. He's behaved appallingly to his wives but over the length of a lifetime he hasn't exactly shagged around as some have said. An eight year affair suggests he somehow managed to compartmentalise two committed relationships at the same time.

You don't have to tell your kids anything, just that he's separated from their auntie.

The youngest is 6 but the eldest 10 and it’s her I suppose I mean.

She will query his quite rapid new living situation. She’s also aware it’s not his first family, I suppose I neither want to normalise this behaviour or villify a relative she cares about.

I agree with this. If a partner loved and respected you they wouldn't cheat. Plain and simple! There's no going back from it, once the trust is broken the relationship is over. A serial cheat has no respect and is a completely selfish person.