Why do some people repeatedly cheat?

[Stickinthemuddle]

This is about my BIL.

About a decade ago just after they’d had a baby his first wife found out he had a mistress who he then left her for abc married. 8 years on we’ve now heard they split over the summer (they have a 3yo) because she’s also found out he’s got a mistress he also intends to marry.

It’s caused so much profound stress and heartache especially for my PIL. I can’t believe after the trauma last time he’s done it again?! Is this just going to be his life now? He’s financially ruined if nothing else.

I’m convinced some do because they’ve settled for someone who is good enough but not what they really want in a person. They marry nice people who give them the expected house and kids but chase women that give them a thrill.

It probably will be his life because the seemingly gets away with it.

It surprises me that serial cheats don’t just date/shag around for financial and avoiding drama but I suspect that they enjoy the cheating feeling and knowing rather than wondering if someone that they fancy would shag them.

The thrill of the chase. The belief that this one is ‘the one’ then inevitably it gets a bit boring and they move on to the next.
The ‘grass is always greener’ and all that.
Also, the AP at the time will probably be trying to be everything they’ve been told the wife/husband isn’t. Always up for sex, understanding, loving, fun, care free etc. Then that wears off and reality hits and they’re off looking for someone else….

They have character flaws. Okay with lying, needing ego kibbles, a sense of entitlement, low self esteem, inability to self soothe, transactional about relationships, addictions. They believe the rules don’t apply to them.

I find it easier to explain why I don’t cheat. I dont cheat on my husband for me. He is very annoying at times. But I don’t cheat for me. There is nothing that my husband could do that would make me cheat as I am faithful for me. I willingly married him. I stood in front of friends and family and said vows. I want MY word to mean something to me and to others. That is important to me. I have to spend my life with me and I want to like the person in the mirror so I don’t cheat for me and my husband is my collateral damage.

I know I could cheat. It’s so easy. Tinder, online dating, a drunken night in a club. But I don’t cheat for me. It’s a choice and knowing I could do it means I haven’t put myself in a situation to do it. It’s never an accident, it’s a series of hundreds or maybe thousands of small steps. It’s never a mistake, it’s a choice.

Living a non monogamous life is totally acceptable in 2024, it’s okay to shag around. But what is wrong is promising you believe in fidelity when you don’t. No excuse for that. It’s abusive as you are putting your spouse at risk of life changing STDs (condoms aren’t 100%).

Because they are horrible people. It's that simple imo.

@FairyMaclary this is a great post thanks so much!

The story this time is that they went on work drinks and were the only two who turned up so that was that. Last time it was an office based affair. Both of these things I feel are presented to his parents as fait accomplit but I feel there are a lot of other choices that could have been made. I’m pretty sure if I or DH turned up to a bar with one colleague of the opposite sex there we might manage not to end up in a Premier Inn…

I think some people actually get a thrill from deceiving those that they are supposed to love. Vile but true.

I guess I kind of agree but he is in so many other regards pleasant. He’s my children’s’ uncle so not sure how to frame his behaviour to them (obviously as bad!)

They have character flaws. Okay with lying, needing ego kibbles, a sense of entitlement, low self esteem, inability to self soothe, transactional about relationships, addictions. They believe the rules don’t apply to them.

Very true. They are the sort of people who think that it's their wife or partner's job to entertain them or make them feel happy. As soon as that person falls short, they feel entitled to look elsewhere.

I used to have a best friend who used to have affairs sometimes. She had quite a chaotic past and childhood.
I did ask her whether she felt bad about it, and she said she felt it was wrong, but in the same way that she thought having a bar of chocolate when youre on a diet is wrong.

I think lots of people are just not cut out for monogamy and should be honest about it and not hypocritical.

They're very selfish and think their feelings are more important than those of others.

I believe cheating starts in the mind. If you’re not a cheat just imagine the steps when you are attracted to someone. Say Hot Bob from the pub.
So you see Bob and think woah Bobs hot. Then you think about him during the week. Friday comes and hot Bob may be at the Dog and Duck again. You think about this and wear your fave dress and make sure you look nice. Then you may look for Bob and then maybe try and catch Bobs eye. Then next week you repeat and Bob says hi. You think about Bob all week and on Friday you chat a little. Etc etc. When you do get chatting. You hold his gaze, flirt a little, play with your necklace. Tell him he has a great pool technique. Laugh at his bad jokes. This leads to a brushed knee or a touch of the hand. Etc etc.

It is hundreds of micro steps before you have sex. Maybe thousands.

It makes me chuckle when I hear these tales. Where the stars aligned and star crossed lovers had no choice. The teller is either completely unaware of how daft they sound or more scarily they truely think they are not in control of their actions. It’s fascinating really. They could say ‘hey Mary, no one has come, I’m going home to my wife. Have a great evening’. But no the aligned stars meant their pants had to come off down the ally at the back of the dog and duck.

Desperate for attention?

Because they’re fundamentally arseholes.

I have friends, a couple, one of them had an affair around 5 years ago. The effect it had on the other was devastating. They stayed together, we're all still friends but it's not the same. It completely changed how I see that person. The change it made to their partner was so awful. It's such a cruel thing to do to someone you are supposed to love.

Essentially because they are selfish and self centred. Because they don't care who they hurt - partner, children, wider family.

I know one man who cheated each time his then partner had a baby, because physically, sex wasn't the same. He moved on to a new childless woman each time.

Others want the benefit of a tidy house but then want the excitement of shagging away. Or they travel for business and regard sex as a leisure activity that they are entitled to regardless of whether their partner is available .

But basically because they have shabby dishonest second-rate values. If it was anything else, they'd not have an established relationship to cheat on, just a series of one night stands. But that would leave them having to pay their own mortgage, clean their own house and have no convenient 'default' sex.

My Ex husband cheated on me more times than I wish to remember.. 3 physical affairs and countless emotional affairs. He told me its because he loved the thrill of the chase, the attention, knowing he still "had it".
I also believe it's as others have said. He is the most selfish person I have ever met, has no issues lying (I see this more now we're divorced), compartmentalises with ease and is fundamentally very unhappy in himself.

Because they aren't satisfied with their relationship. They don't think that their partner isn't good enough for whatever reason, so they want to look for someone better. However, they will keep stringing their partner along in the meantime, just in case they can't get anyone better.

It's basically dating while keeping your partner as a fallback.

Selfish, low self esteem, personality issues, taking advantage for themselves. Not all issues in each person but a mix. It's interesting that research shows that cheaters were contributing less to their main relationship/family than the person being cheated on. Rarely more.

Just to add my husband and I had a good, happy relationship as far as I was aware (I mean he was a controlling prick but he had it good). We had a good physical relationship too...

Women definitely have affairs but it's men that seem to be the ones who serial cheat, indicating that it's usually about sex, ego, testosterone, thrills, risks etc

id say this combined with opportunity

My ex was basically brought up a liar by his parents, as he was the family clown/idiot. The first time I met his parents they started telling me stories about supposedly idiotic things he'd done as a child, laughing heartily, and he was expected to grin and bear it. As a result he tried to hide anything they could use as ammunition. So if he was late visiting them as he'd got up late, he'd claim the traffic was terrible instead. And that lying became a habit; he'd often tell little lies to make himself look better.

This mockery also meant that he was desperate to have people admire and like him. So he adjusted his opinions and values to suit whoever he was talking to/the person he most wanted to impress. When we first met, that was me, so I found him attractive and interesting, and thought we were on the same wavelength. (Later, other women had the same experience.) The problem was that those were not his actual opinions and values, and over time he'd get pissed off having to do things he didn't really like, or defending his comments and actions when he acted how he really wanted and I expressed surprise, disappointment or confusion. From his point of view, I had been admiring and now I was critical. Then along came the next woman who did not yet know him and was delighted to find that he had the exact same opinions and values as her, and he had a lovely new admirer looking up at him, making him feel like a great guy again.

Interestingly, it was when his mother died that he started having a full-blown affair. It was like it was safe to do what he wanted now as she wouldn't find out.

It's also about lack of respect. Someone who cheats doesn't respect their partner and there's no coming back from that. Taking them back diminishes your respect even more, which I think is why this rarely works.

Chump Lady calls it Duper’s Delight. It’s actually about having power and control over the other person, like other more obvious forms of domestic abuse.