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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My friend and I like the same guy

27 replies

Lm4065 · 24/09/2024 18:28

I have been going to an hobby group for a few months. It’s very regular so you do make friends. There is one woman there my age who hasn’t really warmed to me but we are friendly with each other as we are part of the same social group. We have also been on holiday together as part of that group. During that holiday her and another of the women were quite catty to me. This woman thought I said something about her clothes when I didn’t and was off with me the whole break. She is back to normal with me know but I don’t particularly like her for her behaviour but I get along with her for the sake of the others in the group and because I don’t want to give up the hobby.
Anyway a new guy joined a few weeks ago and I kind of fancied him. He seemed to be checking me out as well. I then didn’t see him for a while. My ‘friend’ over drinks one evening said to me and others that she was interested in him and in getting to know him. He is back and on a couple of occasions she has approached him and is chatting. I’m not sure how well it is going.
I’m concerned as I like him and want to get to know him too. But I don’t want to make it obvious I like him in case it causes more drama with this ‘friend’ and the rest of the group.
i was sitting with this guy at the weekend in a group (including my ‘friend’) and he introduced himself to everyone in the group over the course of the conversation but me!
I said a few things which he smiled and laughed at and responded to so I don’t think he dislikes me. Is this because he is shy around me?
we are in our twenties btw. I very rarely fancy anyone so this is an opportunity I don’t want to pass up.
Should I leave this as people might judge me for going after someone a friend also likes? And I don’t want to cause drama with my friend. Or should I try and get to know him as a friend and test the waters? I think I will struggle to speak with him without showing I like him though. Or should I just wait for him to approach if he does like me?
thanks for reading x

OP posts:
SauviGone · 24/09/2024 18:31

You have a very strange idea of what friendship is if you think this woman is a friend.

poppyzbrite4 · 24/09/2024 18:32

I would ask him out or make it clear by flirting that you are interested.

H112 · 24/09/2024 18:32

She's not your mate. Go for it. Test the waters ask if he's single etc

GarrynotsoGorilla · 24/09/2024 18:33

I think you know the answer. I think this guy is allowed to have an opinion on who he is attracted to too. Maybe he just wants friendship? You are over-analysing and just need to be relaxed and not chased him and just enjoy his company. If you are chilled and he likes you great for you. If you are too full on he'll probably run a mile. But hey i could be wrong too.

MamOfGirls2 · 24/09/2024 18:34

I don't shit on my own doorstep. If you like the hobby and the group it's best not to trifle with the members.

SkaneTos · 24/09/2024 18:34

I don't think she is your friend, really.
She is a person in your hobby group.

SeasickAccountant · 24/09/2024 18:35

Go for it! Flirt and see what happens ...

Opentooffers · 24/09/2024 18:35

It's his decision ultimately, nothing to do with you and your 'friends' dynamics. He either likes you or her better, or neither. You never know till you try.

SkaneTos · 24/09/2024 18:42

SkaneTos · 24/09/2024 18:34

I don't think she is your friend, really.
She is a person in your hobby group.

What I meant by this was that she doesn't seem to be very friendly to you, so if you really want to try to see if the guy likes you, then I would not think so much about the feelings of that woman. It's not like you are best friends, and it's not a friendship that goes way back.

It might cause drama in the hobby group, though.

But the guy might also be your true love and soulmate.

SauviGone · 24/09/2024 18:48

I don't shit on my own doorstep. If you like the hobby and the group it's best not to trifle with the members.

I have to agree with this. If this hobby group and the people in it are an important source of socialising for you, then I'd leave it.

You seem to be getting vibes he fancies you. She is too. In reality he's probably going to shag both of you if the opportunity arises.

It'll make your relationship with this woman worse than it already is, it'll cause drama and gossip within the group and one of you (most likely you) will end up feeling that you have to leave the group.

Hatty65 · 24/09/2024 18:51

She's not your friend, and you owe her nothing.

I wouldn't date someone I knew a friend really liked. But she's not a friend, and I'd have no qualms in pursuing a relationship with this bloke if he were interested in me too. She didn't 'see him first' and doesn't get first call on him.

Lm4065 · 26/09/2024 13:45

Thanks for all the responses!

OP posts:
Acornsoup · 26/09/2024 13:53

Let him know you like him. There's no harm in that. As him for coffee? It's not exactly a date is it. You owe the 'friend' nothing it's a man not a donut. Life is too short to try and keep everyone happy 😊

Catlord · 26/09/2024 14:04

I think it's fine to have a chat to this guy and show your interest.

The other lass isn't really a friend, you're friendly for the sake of the group. Not the same as if it was a real pal. I mean, not that you shouldnt value her and the group, don't make a fool of her if you guys do start something but you don't need to let her know your feelings or anything at this stage.

Leopardprintlover101 · 26/09/2024 14:18

Forgot about her - she doesn’t like you anyway so it makes no difference.

Get to know him all you like, but definitely as a friend. You need to be really really sure it’s worth pursuing, in case you end up losing your hobby group over it.

Dibdob27 · 28/09/2024 13:10

I think build a friendship first with the guy. See what happens. You might scare him off. Please don't worry about this lady. She sounds very toxic.

FieldInWhichFucksAreGrownIsBarren · 28/09/2024 13:14

You owe her nothing, she's definitely not a friend -simply someone you know. That said, you need to decide if you like the group or him more as if you do end up in a relationship with him it's likely to create issues as the other woman in question sounds likely to be a cunt about it.

BabyR · 28/09/2024 13:17

Honestly my first thought is can’t he join a group without women trying to fight for his attention.

Hereforaglance · 28/09/2024 13:26

What age are you both my xord sound like a bunch of teenage girls in the playground scrapping over a boy catch a grip n grow up

Laura0076 · 28/09/2024 13:33

So ate you friends with this girl from the hobby group or were you already friends from a different social group? All sounds odd. As you say you've done it for a couple of months but already been on holiday with this friend?
All souynd complicated enough without adding a boy into it...

WitchyBits · 28/09/2024 13:39

I bet my left leg that she has not only warned you off by saying she is getting to know him but also started poisoning the water by bad mouthing you to him/pulling you down/shit stirring.

You owe her nothing. She is not your friend.

LunaNorth · 28/09/2024 13:40

I’ve had this.

I married him 💅🏻

Aquamarine1029 · 28/09/2024 13:45

It's weird that you refer to this woman as your friend. She's no friend in any sense of the word.

Do what you want.

GreenGrass28 · 28/09/2024 13:50

Well she doesn't sound like much of a friend and you know what they say, all us fair in love and war. No reason why you shouldn't get and get to know this guy better.

Catlord · 28/09/2024 14:38

BabyR · 28/09/2024 13:17

Honestly my first thought is can’t he join a group without women trying to fight for his attention.

Very good point. Fine to show an interest, people have to meet somehow, but make very clear that if he is not interested back then no harm done.