Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to play it cool

30 replies

Hennypen321 · 24/09/2024 14:30

So I'm not jumping into any new relationship these days, some of you may have seen how I've had to remove myself from abusive/toxic ones before.

I'm single, I'm dating, I had been on a few dates each with 2 different men. My intuition said not to go ahead with one of them, and so I've told them we won't be seeing each other again. We didn't sleep together.

I've then carried on meeting up with the other guy, we have slept together couple times. He has said that he isn't going to jump into anything, he's not sure what he can offer me, not sure where he is at. He said he is quite erratic and spontaneous, and said he thinks I may not need that in my life.

When we first met it wasn't planned (not via OLD like the other guy) we knew each other already and one day just met for drinks and slept together, was fun and nice. From there it developed into a friendship and we have slept together once more since.

Now I don't want to rush anything but also don't want to overcommit to this guy. He said he was talking to someone else before the first random night we met and he hasn't spoken to her much since. He knew I was dating people too.

At what point do we have the chat where we address what we are?? It's been 2 weeks so far since our first meeting. So early anyway.

OP posts:
TheSpottedZebra · 24/09/2024 14:34

He's already telling you where he's at, no?

"He isn't going to jump into anything, he's not sure what he can offer me, not sure where he is at. He said he is quite erratic and spontaneous, and said he thinks I may not need that in my life."

This isn't serious or long term for him.

PashaMinaMio · 24/09/2024 14:34

Take it easy. Let it play out a bit longer. Why the rush into deep conversation? Enjoy it for what it is, for now. Hang loose … don’t get pregnant!

Mydogisaknob · 24/09/2024 14:36

He has told you very clearly he is not that into you and doesn't want to commit. Also 'erratic and spontaneous'. He has told you exactly who he is.

Either accept that and keep seeing him or dump him.

Men that like you and want to keep seeing you do not give it the whole 'I don't know where I'm at/what I can commit to' bullshit.

Two weeks is early days but he's already told you he doesn't want anything serious.

Usually I'd have an exclusivity chat a few months in depending on how things were going. Wouldn't bother here

BabyR · 24/09/2024 14:38

There isn’t any need to have a chat about what you are? He’s made it clear to you that he isn’t looking for anything with you. He’s banked it from the very start as his get out of free jail card when he can’t be bothered.

It sounds like he only wants sex. Plus he’s dating others and it’s only been two weeks.

TwistedWonder · 24/09/2024 14:46

BabyR · 24/09/2024 14:38

There isn’t any need to have a chat about what you are? He’s made it clear to you that he isn’t looking for anything with you. He’s banked it from the very start as his get out of free jail card when he can’t be bothered.

It sounds like he only wants sex. Plus he’s dating others and it’s only been two weeks.

Agree with this. Hes told you he’s not after anything exclusive - so there’s no conversation to be had

newbeggins · 24/09/2024 14:48

I would be getting the ick from this guy, OP.

Mydogisaknob · 24/09/2024 14:48

He's also said 'he thinks I may not need that in my life.'

He's told you he's going to be a dickhead and will get away with whatever you allow him to.

TwistedWonder · 24/09/2024 14:51

I would also say if you’re looking g for a relationship and unless you’re happy to be a FWB or a casual thing then you have the exclusive chat before having sex with someone.

smallsilvercloud · 24/09/2024 14:53

The problem with playing it too cool is that you'll attract the ones not looking for anything other than casual, I think you just have to say exactly what you want, ask him to be exclusive or carry on looking, it doesn't mean marriage and children, it's still getting to know each other without the confusion of other dates in the mix. If he's hesitant then just move on.

Honestly he doesn't sound like a good, one, he's told you he's erratic and speaking to another woman and not sure what he can offer you - meaning he doesn't want to be committed.

Original poster
Hennypen321 · 24/09/2024 15:15

Not sure if I made it clear, I'm talking to other people too. We are friends previously, not seen each other for years, but got talking and then met up last minute, had a few wines and had sex. The sex was alcohol induced and I don't feel ashamed so don't bother trying to shame me for that :)

We are both allowed to talk and date other people at the moment.

Hmm, ok thanks all for the constructive replies!x

OP posts:
gannett · 24/09/2024 15:18

It's only been two weeks, that's surely way too soon for either of you to know what "this is" beyond a fortnight-long fling.

He's told you where he's at: he wants it to be casual, he doesn't want to commit, he won't be reliable. There is a chance that this will change with time - I said something similar to DP a week after we met, and that was 12 years ago! - but I wouldn't count on it AT ALL. So if you're happy with the non-committal fling you have, go ahead - it may be that something casual but fun is what you need after the intensity of abusive relationships. But if you want more, don't rely on him to provide it.

As for playing it cool more generally: the key is to fill your life with other things which have nothing to do with dating or men. Hobbies or friendships or events or activities or exercise. Stuff you're really passionate about. Stuff that validates you. Stuff you enjoy spending time doing. Men and dates can fit themselves around it, if they're worth it. If you don't find any that are worth it you have a full life anyway.

gannett · 24/09/2024 15:19

(It's quite funny that so many posters are tutting that "he only wants sex" without considering that the OP may also have (only) wanted sex.)

Original poster
Hennypen321 · 24/09/2024 16:00

gannett · 24/09/2024 15:18

It's only been two weeks, that's surely way too soon for either of you to know what "this is" beyond a fortnight-long fling.

He's told you where he's at: he wants it to be casual, he doesn't want to commit, he won't be reliable. There is a chance that this will change with time - I said something similar to DP a week after we met, and that was 12 years ago! - but I wouldn't count on it AT ALL. So if you're happy with the non-committal fling you have, go ahead - it may be that something casual but fun is what you need after the intensity of abusive relationships. But if you want more, don't rely on him to provide it.

As for playing it cool more generally: the key is to fill your life with other things which have nothing to do with dating or men. Hobbies or friendships or events or activities or exercise. Stuff you're really passionate about. Stuff that validates you. Stuff you enjoy spending time doing. Men and dates can fit themselves around it, if they're worth it. If you don't find any that are worth it you have a full life anyway.

Thank you this is the chat I needed right now!

OP posts:
Ximi · 24/09/2024 17:23

What's OLD?

Original poster
Hennypen321 · 25/09/2024 20:15

Ximi · 24/09/2024 17:23

What's OLD?

Online dating

OP posts:
OfficerDoofie · 25/09/2024 20:29

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

taylorswift1989 · 25/09/2024 20:41

He's already told you what he's looking for - casual, no commitment. "Spontaneous" = late night booty calls. "Erratic" = won't hear from him for weeks until he gets bored and gives you another late night booty call.

Playing it cool won't help with a man like this. Either accept this arrangement or end it.

In future, to play it cool with a guy, go slowly. Don't be constantly available. Be flirty and friendly but don't always be the one texting first or arranging things. Let him chase you. Have clear boundaries about what kind of behaviour you accept.

banality101 · 25/09/2024 20:53

You need to be honest with yourself about whether you are happy to meet up with this man occasionally for sex or whether this arrangement would cause you upset. Nothing wrong with casual sex, but your post suggests that you would want more from him and he's been really clear that this would not be for him.

MissSkegness1951 · 25/09/2024 21:34

'I've then carried on meeting up with the other guy, we have slept together couple times. He has said that he isn't going to jump into anything, he's not sure what he can offer me, not sure where he is at.'

Translation - he's got what he wants sexually and there is no future with you as a girlfriend/wife.

Find someone else.

OfficerDoofie · 25/09/2024 21:36

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

biscuitandcake · 25/09/2024 21:54

gannett · 24/09/2024 15:19

(It's quite funny that so many posters are tutting that "he only wants sex" without considering that the OP may also have (only) wanted sex.)

Oh 0 shame for that. But the Op doesn't only want sex from the looks of things or she wouldn't be asking how to play it cool, or about when to talk about exclusivity etc.

OP, you are right to tell people not to try to shame you for jumping into sex straight away. No shame there. But equally you shouldn't feel ashamed/embarrassed for wanting more than a FWB type situation. I can't do just casual sex with someone, I don'tike it. Not because I'm super virtuous but because it's a very normal thing to want more from a guy than just that. If that's not "playing it cool" then so be it.

twistnslide · 25/09/2024 22:28

2 weeks is far to early to have a deep and meaningful and anyway he has already told you where he's at.

Givemegoldensun · 26/09/2024 07:37

OP your post is very confused. I don’t think you are being honest with yourself about what you want and I think that is creating a dilemma where there is none. This man has made it clear he doesn’t want a commitment to you. That is why he is already (two weeks in, when most people are putting their best face forward) making excuses about his potential future behaviour. Maybe he hasn’t been explicitly clear, but that is potentially for three reasons: 1. Most adults would pick up on the subtext, 2. He wants to carry on sleeping with you and 3. If you have friends in common he wants to ensure he doesn’t look like the bad guy leading you on. To be honest he has done nothing wrong (other than being quite immature/self-centred). In this sort of situation, where someone is as transparent as social convention allows, you need to look out for your own interests and protect yourself. If you are happy to be his friend with benefits then carry on- no one decent is going to judge you for that. But you should only do that if you really don’t want anything more with him, because it is clear he doesn’t with you.

That is highly unlikely to change. There is no need for a deep meaningful chat- it has already been had. If you persist in talking to him about your relationship/‘the future’ you are going to do one of two things: either scare him away or make him start to see you as desperate and willing to accept anything for scraps of his time/affection. It’s not a path I’d want to go down.

Starlight1979 · 26/09/2024 09:11

taylorswift1989 · 25/09/2024 20:41

He's already told you what he's looking for - casual, no commitment. "Spontaneous" = late night booty calls. "Erratic" = won't hear from him for weeks until he gets bored and gives you another late night booty call.

Playing it cool won't help with a man like this. Either accept this arrangement or end it.

In future, to play it cool with a guy, go slowly. Don't be constantly available. Be flirty and friendly but don't always be the one texting first or arranging things. Let him chase you. Have clear boundaries about what kind of behaviour you accept.

This. So many threads on here where the man is basically crystal clear in what he wants from day one (i.e no strings sex) yet the women are asking how they should play it and when they should have a chat to them about where they think the relationship is going...

He has said that he isn't going to jump into anything, he's not sure what he can offer me, not sure where he is at. He said he is quite erratic and spontaneous, and said he thinks I may not need that in my life.

He wants casual sex. End of story. Nothing to discuss.

Seaoftroubles · 26/09/2024 09:28

You both seem to prefer casual dating/ sex and that's fine. lf your feelings have changed though and you are getting feelings for him then best to step away now as he's been clear about what he wants and you may end up getting hurt.