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Relationships

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Both married and fallen in love

69 replies

apple364 · 24/09/2024 12:08

I need some advice! Ive been married 26 years, I am 48 with 3 kids aged 16-24. My husband is a challenge, he is decent man but he is very uncaring towards me and quite cold to others. He works in a public profiling role and I disagree with a lot of his comments. I have met man thru work. He is a couple of years older with kids in their twenties. He has been married 28 years. His wife is uncaring towards him and has depression. I completely and utterly love this new man, I love him in a way I've not experienced before. He feels the same. Both of us are scared, we do not want to hurt anyone. How do you navigate this with the least amount of hurt.

OP posts:
poppymango · 24/09/2024 14:17

I've always thought it's foolish to leave a current partner for someone new.

If your current relationship has problems that cannot be overcome, that is a good reason to leave. But simply leaving because someone else has turned your head is rash - other people will get hurt, and there is every chance you will regret it down the line. Just look at how many men beg for their wives' forgiveness after they leave for another woman and it goes sour.

Examine your marriage. Talk to your husband, get counselling if there's a chance of salvaging what you once had. If it really is the end, then deal with that first and keep your family at the forefront of your mind.

Once the divorce is finalised, the house sold, your new home set up, and your children have come to terms with it all, then and only then is it ok to start to pursue a new relationship - that's if you're serious about not hurting anyone.

It's irrelevant if you think your husband is cold and uncaring. It's irrelevant if you're in love with someone else. If you use those things as excuses, you will let yourself down.

Have a look at the "do they ever come back" thread that's currently active, and imagine it all from your husband's perspective. I know it's hard when you're blinded by intense feelings, but please try to do the right thing.

Choochoo21 · 24/09/2024 14:22

Having an affair (whether physical or just emotional) is very unfair to both partners.

If either of you have any sort of respect for your partners then you would not let this continue.

Either decide to both end things asap with your current partners or end things with each other.

ChampaignSupernova · 24/09/2024 14:28

I doubt you will listen to the sensible advice on here as very few people do. The sensible advice being to steer clear of the man and end your marriage. Affairs destroy the adults and children involved. What ever you think of your spouses please do not do this to your children. Kids can get through divorce if supported and if parents take time to figure out what's best for them. A new married man is not what is best for them

murphys · 24/09/2024 14:30

I'm going to take a bet OP won't be back.

Too tone-deaf to hear anything else, except 'ooh OP yes he sounds like the love of your life, go for it'

And clearly hasn't read any current threads.

Jl2014 · 24/09/2024 14:30

It’s the 80/20 rule. When you’re in a relationship you focus on the 20% you don’t have and forget about the 80% you do. You get the 20% from this new man but because that’s all you’re focusing on you mistake it for 100%. You only realised later down the line that you gave up too much for too little.

TheFormidableMrsC · 24/09/2024 14:32

There isn't a way apart from ending the affair. I've been that wife, the pain, the financial hell, the ripple effects are life ruining. I also wouldn't believe a man who slags off his wife while cheating on her. Grow up.

jsku · 24/09/2024 14:37

@apple364

I am divorced, so are many of my friends.
So - no judgement from me. Relationships change and fizzle out. People fall in love.

I guess the question I’d ask yourself - would you be OK if you divorce and ended up on your own? As there are no guarantees the new relationship will work out. Would you be happier on your own? If yes - then just go ahead and pull the plug.

Your kids are old enough and will be OK.
Mine asked me recently why I waited that long to divorce their Dad. They were small, but they saw/felt that things weren’t right. Meanwhile I hang on trying to protect them from hurt (divorce)…

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 24/09/2024 14:44

First you end the affair. Cheating on your partners makes you both dreadful human beings.

Then you end your marriage. He's not making you happy, so move on.

Then you're free to pursue whatever romantic engagements you want.

BarrioQueen · 24/09/2024 14:48

I'm not sure that I agree with the people being tough on here. If the Op is unhappy and her affair partner then maybe it is only right to spilt up. And allow their spouses some hope of happiness rather than going behind their backs. The children are not very very young. Of course there will be some hurt. But life is short and everyone deserves the chance of happiness not least those you are decieving.

FairyMaclary · 24/09/2024 14:53

He sounds a catch ‘I believe in fidelity but not if my wife has depression’.

I can’t imagine that being on my list of values required when looking for a good partner. He sounds awful.

He’s a ten a penny cheat. There’s hundreds with the same sob story on Tinder and plenty of fish and every other dating app. All with depressed wives and unhappy marriages etc. All the same story’s. My question is why do you believe it?

Try reading ‘Not just friends’ by Glass.

Affairs cause a form of PTSD in victims. Research the effects of affairs from the perspective of the betrayed - I couldn’t do that to a person I freely chose to marry.

Also I know more than one adult that has NEVER spoken to their cheating parent again. One hasn’t in over 20 years (mid teens when caught). Never underestimate the way your children will feel. You cannot control people’s reactions.

murphys · 24/09/2024 14:54

BarrioQueen · 24/09/2024 14:48

I'm not sure that I agree with the people being tough on here. If the Op is unhappy and her affair partner then maybe it is only right to spilt up. And allow their spouses some hope of happiness rather than going behind their backs. The children are not very very young. Of course there will be some hurt. But life is short and everyone deserves the chance of happiness not least those you are decieving.

Op might come back now. ..

The 'life is short' squad have arrived.

arethereanyleftatall · 24/09/2024 14:56

Tldr - I'm having an affair. It's totally different to everyone else who has an affair.

Sinisterbag · 24/09/2024 15:12

What everyone is advising will feel like the 'hard' choice to you right now OP but if you choose to do the opposite of that advice you will realise (too late) that it's actually far easier than navigating the shit show you will cause for everyone concerned. Affairs cause pain, that's why they're (largely) socially unacceptable and frowned upon. There is no way to magically make yours different, love does not conquer all and your affair is no less wrong than anyone else's. You can't afford romanticised thinking here, you are going to hurt people and be judged for that by people who really matter to you if you continue to put what you want ahead of other people's feelings. Sorry to be harsh but I'm 100% right and if you have any sense or morals you should know that.

BluYlloRedPurpl · 24/09/2024 15:42

The only way to manage this is:

  1. End the affair
  2. End the marriage
  3. Sort yourself out

Anything else lacks accountability of your own life.

BarrioQueen · 24/09/2024 15:51

Well...If I was being deceived I'd rather my spouse call time - then be with me begrudingly. How is that fair on the spouses??

Yes - life is short. Sometimes people fall out of love/like with their partner and yes - some second marriages do work. Don't the decieved partners deserve a chance of genuine happiness too?
I think affairs cause a world of misery - but so does clinging on to a marriage that is dead.

Getonwitit · 24/09/2024 15:53

Stop kidding yourself, you are the other woman, the affair. You cannot go ahead without causing so many People so much hurt. If the pair of you want to be together the decent thing to do is to leave your respective marriages and stay away from each other until the new year, even then you will always the other woman to his children and you own children will be less than impressed. You deserve everything that will be thrown at you.

Anywherebuthere · 24/09/2024 15:56

End the affair. If you can't do then end the marriage. Both of you.

Just remember that you don't know the truth about his wife. You only know what he has told you. He'l probably use depression as a reason not to leave her.

AcrossthePond55 · 24/09/2024 16:44

Starlight7080 · 24/09/2024 12:18

As others have said .
End the affair. Both leave current husband/wife and sort through all the things that will come from that.
Then in the future see where you two stand when single.
Your children probably won't be so kind if they find out about the affair and the extra hurt it causes will have a longterm effect.
Best just keeping it to yourselves.
Also longterm your children will be hopefully more welcoming to new partners if they don't know about the affair

@apple364

I agree with this with one tiny exception. First (and you may have already done this) decide if you even want to try to save your marriage or is it completely unsalvageable?

If you truly believe that you are 100% 'done' and that regardless of this man you have no interest in saving your marriage then you need to leave it. Your DH may not be exactly to your taste, but he still deserves to have a wife who loves him, warts and all, and is happy with him. But just be sure you aren't seeing this other man through rose coloured glasses and making DH out worse than he is.

What this other man does about his marriage is besides the point, for now. You don't really know the truth and, in fact, many men lie about their 'crazy/bitchy' wives and their 'sexless' marriage. So for God's sake, DON'T leave 'for him'. Leave for yourself. And also, some men use the 'other woman' as a way/an excuse to get out of a bad marriage with very little guilt by blaming in on an 'overwhelming passion' or meeting 'my soul mate'. But once they're actually free, especially if the OW has children still at home, they dump her like a hot potato. They didn't want to go from one set of family responsibilities to another one, what they really wanted was the 'bachelor life'. That's why you want to leave your marriage for yourself, because you may very well end up on your own anyway.

You aren't going to be able to quietly walk away. Breaking up any marriage results in pain and anger in the children and the spouse being left. It can be navigated and everyone can come through it and be fine in the end. But it needs to be done within your family, not with some new 'love interest' hanging around the edges.

Hoppinggreen · 24/09/2024 18:10

BarrioQueen · 24/09/2024 14:48

I'm not sure that I agree with the people being tough on here. If the Op is unhappy and her affair partner then maybe it is only right to spilt up. And allow their spouses some hope of happiness rather than going behind their backs. The children are not very very young. Of course there will be some hurt. But life is short and everyone deserves the chance of happiness not least those you are decieving.

Plenty of people have told OP to split up from her H
Just not by having an affair

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