Both married and fallen in love

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I need some advice! Ive been married 26 years, I am 48 with 3 kids aged 16-24. My husband is a challenge, he is decent man but he is very uncaring towards me and quite cold to others. He works in a public profiling role and I disagree with a lot of his comments. I have met man thru work. He is a couple of years older with kids in their twenties. He has been married 28 years. His wife is uncaring towards him and has depression. I completely and utterly love this new man, I love him in a way I've not experienced before. He feels the same. Both of us are scared, we do not want to hurt anyone. How do you navigate this with the least amount of hurt.

Why does his wife have depression? Has he cheated before? What is HE like at home? I can guess he’s cold and disconnected from her. This man isn’t real. He isn’t yours. You can’t possibly understand the reality of living with this bloke. You have created an image of the pieces that you believe are missing from your marriage and superimposed this onto this bloke as excuse to take the leap.
Take him out of the picture entirely and what do you want? A miserable marriage and forever after with a man you don’t respect or a life you can create on your own without the influence of your DH looming over you?
These are your only real options because you simply can’t count on this other man leaving his wife for you or happily ever after with him.
You can guarantee that no matter what choice you make, someone will be hurt. You if you stay, DH if you go.

Don't have an affair. If your respective partners aren't good enough, end the marriages then get together. Don't go behind your spouse's backs.

His wife is depressed so he has an affair? Wtf?

He sounds so wonderful and caring, OP. No wonder you've fallen in love with him. How lovely to see a man so kind and patient in supporting his wife's mental health, going to counselling with her, working through their problems together... Oh wait, no. He's not doing any of that. Just finding some gullible person to shag while his wife is miserable and alone.

End the affair, leave your husband, sort yourself out. If your affair partner is for real maybe he'll do the same and you can reconnect as two single people.

It’s really not that difficult. You are convincing yourself it is so you can keep both lives for a bit longer.

You end the affair.

Then decide if you want to end the marriage.

If you end the marriage, take some time sort and sort your divorce without complicating factors. Then if you both feel the same see if it works.

However, you know he is someone who will peddle the same lie you are peddling (‘oh I can’t help myself, we are in love’) and being committed to someone else won’t stop him looking elsewhere. He knows that about you. So or a great start.

But honestly, you need to get grip with your ‘she is uncaring and depressed’. You have no clue what she is like. And if she is uncaring is it because her husband is the type to chase other women?

She is depressed, and the pair of you think it’s a good idea who put a depressed woman through him leaving for another woman? Or is ‘she is depressed’ just a convenient excuse for him to justify his treatment of her?

He obviously isn’t concerned at all about her or her mental health is he?

Luckily we live in a society where divorce is allowed - so - if you are unhappy - and in particular if your husband is uncaring and makes you miserable - you need to end the marriage.

Have indiviudal therapy to look at how you are responding to the other man - it may be you are trying to 'jump' towards him as a way of escaping your marriage.

You need to make the space to end your marriage first.

People definitely do fall out of love as life goes on and the forbidden excitement of attraction to another person is a pretty powerful emotion to deal with (I speak from experience unfortunately).

However, I don’t think it’s possible to go forward without hurting anyone at all. The best & most honest thing you can both do is end your marriages as others have said, settle your own lives as single people - and then see how you both feel.

I don’t agree with the idea of just getting a new job & staying married if you are unhappy enough to be looking elsewhere. There’s doing the right thing & there’s doing the right thing but destroying yourself in the process. You all deserve to be happy - all four of you.

His wife is uncaring towards him and has depression.

oh you sweet summer child. Are you sure you’re 48?

This, really. You need to separate this out - you are clearly unhappy in your marriage, so sort this out: talk to DH, have counselling, explore separation and divorce if nothing helps.

If, once you are single, if you still find other guy appealing and he feels the same way, explore it then. And only if he is also single.

I'll probably get a pile.on for this but if you are truly both in love then you both need to leave your spouses. Life's to short to miss out being with a person you truly love. Have you talked about it? Made plans to live together?

Succinctly put.

You won’t though, will you?

Look, it sounds like your marriage has run its course and you’d be happier out of it. But probably not by hooking up with a cheating liar. No matter what your hormones are telling you about being in ‘love’. Sorry to be blunt, but at 48 I would hope you’d be wise to this sort of nonsense.

Id be depressed too if my dh was creeping around with another woman. Make sure you never get depressed OP or this man will drop you like a hot spud.

How do you think your kids would feel if they knew about your affair? I could tell you if you like? I was that kid. It destroyed our family and my mother's health never recovered. She lost everything to a very pushy, influential husband and died with nothing but regret and pain. I have no sympathy for you.

End your affair. And if you're truly unhappy with your husband (not just convinced yourself of it because of your new married man), you should leave him. And of course the wife is depressed. Oldest tale in the book.

End your marriage if it’s not working.

Op, I suggest looking at a couple of the current threads where a partner in a long marriage has had an affair. Then think about how you would be responsible for the devastating impact on your children's lives, how you will be the guilty party - and how you would feel if they side with their father and stop contact with you.

If you are unhappy, divorce your husband. Find a partner who isn't married.

Stop justifying your actions because you have met a man who is willing to cheat on his wife.

Sorry to be harsh, but I have low tolerance for anyone having an affair. Man or woman. Love isn't a reason, it's an excuse.

Do yourself a favour and go and read Gingerloaf's current post in Relationships.

Read the whole thread, then come back here with what you think and what you took from it.

Leave your husband but don't leave for the other man.

I will say, as someone who has been through this , you can genuinely fall out of love with your spouse and in love with someone else.
But you both leave separately and then decide individually if you want to see if there is a relationship there.
In my situation, the affair was found out by his wife, we didn't see each other for five years...in that time we both got divorced, we only then started dating.
I regret the affair and the hurt it caused his wife.
We have now been together for 6 yrs ISH ..and happy.
But I know I could be on my own and I didn't leave for him...

If they stop the affair, split up with spouses then get together - the spouse will always have been confused in the beginning, why have you left etc. Is there someone else. No you say. Then after a bit you go to the new person. Spouse says I knew all along - why weren’t you honest. Urgh.

So. Each tell your spouse, you’ve met someone else and your marriage is therefore over. Then of course you ended it so you will have to move out - you and the new man can live together. Your exes can move on with their lives and find a spouse / partner that loves them.

You sound like you are both making excuses , re writing your histories to excuse torpedoing the lives of your children & families.
Affairs are for selfish cowards OP.
If you are unhappy leave and divorce your H . But don’t hedge your bets with an affair like your manfriend wants to .

It’s not love it’s lust.

i would also doubt any negative things about his wife eg crazy / nasty/ cold / mentally ill / uncaring. These will be things he will be spinning to justify his actions

The OPs words cry out script don’t they

End the affair and get some counselling to sort out a way forward

You'll need to leave your respective spouses, or end the affair.

No man alive is worth all the pain your actions will bring about.

You have no idea who this man really is, everyone puts on a different face at work to a certain extent. You are projecting a fantasy of all the things you wish you had onto him and he is willingly going along with it. He knows exactly what he is doing here.

Is the fact that he is prepared to flirt/emotionally manipulate a co worker (ie, a captive audience) while his wife is suffering from depression not a great big honking red flag to you?

Read that back, does he sound like a nice person?

Have the courage to sort your own life out before you use him as an escape route from your marriage. You know, like an adult would. Stand on your own two feet if you’re so unhappy but don’t bounce from man to man like an insecure teenager.

Think about his wife and children - not just what he has told you but imagine for a minute they are good, kind, caring people not monsters that are ruining his life. That’s just him exaggerating to gain your sympathy. It’s worked, by the way.

Stop being so gullible and immature, real life is not like a Hallmark movie.

Obviously, you will ignore all the people on here echoing the same advice because the lure of an exciting, dangerous, passionate affair is just too good to miss.

You are a cliche and this will end badly, his lines seem quite polished - he’s done this before.

Is it really the most amazing love ever? Or are you both blinded by a bit of excitement and bonding over whining about your partners.

Yep. It seems that too many people confuse clandestine flirting and a few shags in the local Premier Inn as true love.

Then a year or so down the line realise the reality is they’ve left their marriage and broken up their family for a twat