Close to divorce but scared to end marriage

[Fishergirl]

Context: Married to DH for 11 years and have been together for 16 years. We've 1 DS who is nearly 9. Me and DS have a close bond and I have done the majority of care for him but DH does do more now he's older (gets him ready for school etc). I'm main bread winner and earn £30k more than him but money has never been an issue.

Issues in marriage. We have started couples counselling but I'm 99% certain I don't want to continue in the marriage. I'm dreaming of a life on my own with my son in our own house, co-parenting with DH.

Here are the issues briefly:
Behaviour and verbal abuse when very drunk. Ongoing yearly/twice a year incidents. Two bad incidents where he's punched walls (cut his fingers badly) and threatened to beat me. An awful one in August has led us to where we are now (living together and trying to be civil but no intimacy).

Calls me a fucking bitch/twat, tells me he hates me, just fuck off.

Hit/pushed me in bed when he thought I was asleep and was drunk. Claims to not remember these alcohol related incidents.

Feel like there's always something that's been missing. Not a total connection. I can smile and act normal but it's always 'there'.

Sexual attraction - there must have been something there in the early days but it's never been full on. I don't find him attractive even though he is a decent looking man and looks after his body.

Sex life has been forced for so long. Don't want to have sex with him. Steel myself up for it. Have generally been like this for 10 years. Only had sex twice on honeymoon.

He can't drive. Feel like I am relied on for everything. He's limited in what he does with DS. They rarely go out together and it's me suggesting it. He knows it bothers me but has never bothered learning to drive.

I take the lead in the running of the house - finances etc. I do everything. Feels like having another child not a partner.

Behaviour around DS - he has been physical with him a few times over the years (made me hate him when it's happened and had huge arguments. He has minimised the incidents) and the way he talks to him. Temper is nasty. Says this is down to tiredness and sexual frustration.

Has called me lazy and says I don't do much around the house (not true).

Narky to me and other people.

Not supportive - seems to resent me when I have success with something, e.g. running.

Recently revealed I make him miserable and feels I have manipulated him.

Even though that all makes him out to sound bloody awful, he's generally not. He is very generous and buys thoughtful gifts that he can't really afford. He's affectionate. He likes our family unit.

I'm wanting to end it but am worried about breaking up the family and I'm worried about this being a 'peri' reaction even though I don't think it is.
Sorry for the long post!! Any thoughts would be appreciated.

Hit/pushed me in bed when he thought I was asleep and was drunk. Claims to not remember these alcohol related incidents.

And so knowing he can't be trusted, he immediately gave up alcohol forever? No? Sober him decides to drink knowing drunk him assaults you.

Plus he assaults your child.

There is no question you should separate.

Yikes. A lot of this sounds frighteningly familiar... Overwhelmingly the advice will be to leave but I totally understand your hesitation.

How does ds feel about his dad? Do they generally get on well? That might help form your answer...

Other than that no actual advice but a handhold for you!

I think it's almost impossible to be attracted to someone you have contempt for due to their drunken behaviour. He sounds fed up with the set-up and drinks inappropriately as a solution instead of manning up and improving things. You sound like you shoulder the burdens and deal with everything yourself instead of forcing him to choose family or booze. Resentment grows on both sides, rinse and repeat.

Given that his horrible side seems mainly related to drinking, if he gave up alcohol and the pair of you both sought individual and couples counselling could their be hope do you think? If you do, tell him with a proper heart to heart and see what he says?

It's not going to get better, are you going to find him attractive again?. Probably not. His behaviour will get worse not better as time goes on. Move on, give your son a happy home. Give yourself a happy and peaceful life.

This is all too familiar for me. Got divorced a few years ago. Best thing I ever did. It's been a hard journey but watching my children flourish when less involved with rubbish husband has been wonderful to see.

And he sees them as much as he wants (which is EOW) and satisfies their and his need for contact without being the every day reliant parent who is shitty to them. He's become better as they've got older and the every day pressure is off. We both have new partners and I have loved being in a positive, reassuring, caring, considerate person who is kind to my children.

Life was truly better on the other side, and life is short so why suffer through misery...?

It’s not peri
he’s incredibly abusive
buying gifts he can’t afford isn’t a redeeming quality

He sounds horrible. Doubt this has anything to do with peri.

He's physically violent to you and your DS.

You should end it immediately and kick him out;if he won't go you should contact social services to protect your son;they should help you get him out of the house to protect your son.

Please call women's aid for support.

He is a vile abusive POS and your son is witnessing it.

I was long married to someone I didn’t want to be. Staying in that situation is a constant non-verbal message to yourself that you’re not worth any more.

If he is only vile because of the drink he would be devastated once sober again and would stop drinking to avoid any risk of subjecting you too similar abuse in future.

You’re already dreaming of a life alone. You have the finances to make it happen. Don’t stay just because it’s familiar.

Would suggest you continue with your plan to separate and divorce this man. He buying stuff he cannot afford is indeed not a redeeming quality. Familiarity breeds further contempt, do not continue to raise your son in such a toxic environment. This relationship model is no model to be showing him.

I think you answered your own question there. I left my STBX when our daughter was 10 weeks old for much the same reasons - I was basically abandoned during pregnancy (which was IVF and very stressful) whilst he went out clubbing until 6-7am twice a week, he gaslit me, dismissed me, ignored me and we hadn't been intimate for 2 years because of an STD he contracted from a sex worker. I was also the main breadwinner.

Writing this all out I know it sounds insane that I stayed as long as I did and had a child with this man, but I was so determined to make it work and, like your H, he had good points too. That's how they keep you around. I am also so glad I had my daughter. But leaving was the best thing I ever did.

Now I'm much happier and more fulfilled as a single parent and my daughter is in a much more stable and healthy environment in a so-called "broken home." I went through a lot of guilt about breaking up the family and being a single mum, but I see now it was the best thing I could have done for her. I also met my now partner a few months after my separation and am more personally fulfilled and happy on that score.

If you are asking the question for the reasons you set out, it's time to pull the plug. It will be unbelievably crap at first, ripping off the band aid always hurts, but you will be much happier in the end. Wishing you luck and strength x

I also want to leave you with this mantra that gave me enormous strength in my darkest times: everything you want is on the other side of fear.

I’m sorry. I can’t get past you staying with a man you describe as “getting physical” with your child. On more than one occasion. You should have protected your child and left him then instead of allowing more and more damage to be done.

He's affectionate but you don't fancy him anyway or want intimacy, so that's hardly a positive. Buying gifts he can't afford is a negative too, not an admirable character trait. Your child will remember for the rest of his life and be scarred by his father assaulting him. If everything you've listed already isn't enough to make you leave him literally tonight, then leave him for the sake of your child.

I don't think buying gifts your household can't afford is actually a good point.

Leave him.

Life's too short for this misery.

This isn’t a healthy relationship to model to your DS, and life is so short you deserve to finish it for your wellbeing.

However.

Do not dream naively about a magical co-parenting situation. My ex took me to court for full residency, loudly proclaiming on social media he was ‘fighting for his kids’ like a hero, yet in court he only actually wanted them for 6% of their lives! Just enough to unsettle them, but apparently he ‘won’.
Life is far simpler with only real children to deal with, you’ll be fine.
Oh, and yes the not driving and using you as a taxi driver is such a manchild, I don’t miss that aspect of ex at all.

The minute he started being a bully to your kid is the minute you should’ve left.

Get your head out of the sand and start protecting him.

Your partner is an abusive loser. Get rid of him asap.

Your poor son.
What an absolute horror of a childhood and environment to grow up in.

So sad that you are hesitating and putting this violent drunk ahead of your innocent little boy.
Poor child.

You both deserve better.
Your son is depending on you to care enough about him to get you our of this situation.

You need to contact Women's aid and report his domestic violence to the police.

Thank you for all your replies .
I came home from work earlier and told him I want a divorce. I feel like a load has been lifted and am dreading the months/year ahead but an also filled with a flicker of joy that I've done it.
I raised the three times he has physically hurt/scared ds and he minimised again. One of the incidents was when he threw a laundry basket at him because he was angry. His take was that 'it didn't hurt him' and he 'only meant to scare him'. F*ing prick.

He also said that I am too blame for all this which to a certain extent I suppose I am. If I'd addressed issues years ago instead of us arguing, not speaking and then just burying things then none of this would have happened.
I didn't deserve to be spoken to the way he does when he's drunk though and he can't seem to see the impact of that.
I think I need counselling myself because I've caused this and am obviously a poor partner. If I ever meet anyone else then I don't want to repeat the same behaviours.

Seek legal advice asap and do not rely on him to be at all reasonable nor amicable both now and post divorce. This is who he really is. He is the poor partner here.

You have not caused this to end, he has and by his own hand.

You are and have never been responsible for him and his life choices. Abusive people always blame others rather than their own self for their failings and it’s not entirely your fault. This is on him.

Teach your child that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none, he will thank you for doing so. Counselling for your own self may benefit you as would be contacting Women’s Aid. Men like this can and do damage boundaries and abuse can take a long time, years even, to recover from.

From here on in, make it your mission to not engage with his criticisms of you. What he thinks of you now is irrelevant. Practice letting it roll over you. You don't need his approval or agreement to leave him. Let him think what he wants. Put yourself and your son front and centre from here on in. Tell him that any discussions about divorce will be through your solicitor and only your solicitor.
One final thing....stay safe. Leaving abusive men can be a risky time. If you need any advice on that front, there are many women on here who can advise you on how to keep yourself safe.

Leave . Life is short, so what makes you happy.
he has assaulted you, leave.

You need to get legal advice quickly and start the process. What is the plan? Where are you going to live? How are you going to co-parent?

I found a guide called a Parenting Plan online. It's very helpful for giving you a structure to base your discussions on. We got housing close to each other and the school so there was less upheaval. Sorted maintenance through the child maintenance calculator. You have to get very practical and project manage this. We initially did 50/50 but it didn't work out so it's now EOW and 1 night a week (a set day each week).

Your husband will be very emotional. You've taken control. He won't like that. He may start drinking and getting abusive.

It might be good to go back to your counsellor so that you can be pleasant to each other to get the best for your son. Unfortunately you are tied to this man for the rest of your life. You need to get to a place which is like a business arrangement so you can coparent.

I am sorry you are going through this. I was in a relationship for 16 years with a 9 year old. It does get better but the early years were very difficult. It came as a complete shock to my child but maybe it won't be so surprising for your son. We are 5 years on now, life is so much better. Good luck xxx

You are not to blame for his lack of control. His reaction demonstrates that you have absolutely made the right decision. He's not going to take responsibility for any of it, is he?

Once the dust settles on the other side of the divorce, you may well find counselling helpful to come to terms with his abuse towards you and your son. It is also helpful to learn how to build and maintain strong boundaries so that you don't repeat behaviour patterns.

For now, you need to stay safe. If at any time you feel threatened by him, please call 999 immediately.

He's just had another go at me in the kitchen telling me that I'm self-absorbed. I know I'm not so stuck up myself. He said I'm self-absorbed and selfish with him/to him. I said well yes maybe I am because of the shit that I've put up with over the years.
I was just thinking now. The day after I came out of hospital after having an emergency cs with ds, we went for a little walk. We were crossing the road and he got angry with me because I was taking my time crossing and the lights had changed. I'd had bloody abdominal surgery 4 days before. 🤬 FFS

I don't know what happens next with divorce. I have no idea. We did say about living together while we sell the house but already I'm feeling on edge.
Thanks for the advice above. I'm going to read over it tonight once ds is in bed.