Scared, suddenly single at 35 after 8 years. Want to start a family

[Lostviking]

Hi

The relationship stuff is messy, happy to explain if people want but TLDR is we were fooling ourselves it could work because we are still very much in love the situation just sucks. Went from viewing houses and discussing wedding ideas to this within 3 weeks.

Now in 35 and alone, never even lived alone before. The idea of dating is erghhh. And honestly I can't see anyone wanting me with my depression and eating issues. I never had much luck attracting people or lasting more that a few weeks before J. I just cant imagine finding that bond again.

I know now I have to give up a lot of my dreams, things I assumed would happen. Things he and I bith wanted and untill very recently where my future.

Things I wanted in life;
A family
Love
No financial stress
Own my home
Travel
Maybe a wedding

I can be without most of it but not a child, I would desperately like to be loved again.

Do I have any hope? Should I just have a child alone?

Oh I’m sorry OP this must be really hard to deal with, especially such a massive U turn in such a short space of time.

There is always hope, I do honestly believe there is someone out there for everyone and I think you should give yourself a chance to heal from this before you make any big decisions about the future, including children x

Honestly, I'd do it alone in your circumstances I think (raised my child alone too). It's not really a relationship question to me but more of careful consideration of if you think you can navigate a baby, work, life, depression and your eating issues while still taking good care of yourself, you know?

All I know is that it’s much less likely to happen if you’ve already told yourself, in your head that it won’t
I suggest at least a few months to grieve this relationship, they clearly meant a lot to you.
Then be open minded. Work towards being the happiest and most content you can be as a single person.

If you love each other & want the same things, why can't it work? Nobodies perfect op.

How much wider family do you have if you were to have a child alone? Would it just be you and the child? That's a very precarious situation to bring a child into, in my opinion. I know it's difficult and upsetting, but you need to think about what is best for the child, not for you.

I met the right man at 36. Kids unfortunately look unlikely due to an unexpected and non fertility related medical condition but we would have started TTC last year so you could meet someone if you crack on with OLD (after a few months to process the last)

However, it's not that I don't take your word for it that it's over but if you're in love and were looking at houses, would you be able to give a precis of why it's ended and why you're sure?

Have a child by yourself.

you’re still of an age where it’s worth trying with IUI which is much cheaper and much less invasive than IVF.

in a few years time you’ll hit the age bracket where the recommendation is to go straight to IVF, and it’s still no guarantee of success.

dating as a woman in your mid to late 30s isn’t great, and while you might meet someone great, equally you may not, and be forced to settle for someone a bit crap or end up trying alone for a child anyway

Going it alone is an option but I would consider what family or support system you'd have if anything happens to you (sorry to say this). I was considering this if I didn't meet anyone but this health matter has made me see things quite differently

Its complex as the relationship always had to deal with my mental health and his autism. Basically 4 years ago he started to get more and more tired and nobody could work out what was wrong. Nowadays he sleeps 12 hours + and is still so tired. Somedays a conversation seems hard work for him. And with autism navigating a relationship is harder for him so was another energy drain.

I became his carer, i did everything on top of working and I was alone a lot. Years of anxiety about if we could make it work has taken its toll on my mental health, I am a shell atm.

We talked so many times about it all, lots of tears. Every time neither could pull the plug, so we kept on pretending to ourselves and each other we could still have the life we wanted together. We were clinging to the hope of his recovery.

In the end he couldn't stand the guilt of 'holding me back' from have kids. He knew my bio clock was ticking. He did it out of love for me as he doesnt think he will ever recover and that would mean being single for the rest of his life. He made a huge sacrifice for me.

Part of me hopes he somehow recovers in the next year and comes back, but wishful thinking has done enough damage so I have to push it aside.

can't see anyone wanting me with my depression and eating issues. I would suggest trying to get a hold on this before considering a baby without the support of an involved partner.

I plan on moving back near my parents now anyway, I don't have strong friendships were we lived. I like my job but I can get another. My parents would support me and my sister and her wife are currently child free but would consider adopting an older child one day, so they would take them in if I passed away.

Agreed, I am working on it. I have a therapist and am on meds. I just haven't had capacity to do much but emotionally survive for the last 2 years. Maybe now I will make more progress

Its complex as the relationship always had to deal with my mental health and his autism. Basically 4 years ago he started to get more and more tired and nobody could work out what was wrong. Nowadays he sleeps 12 hours + and is still so tired. Somedays a conversation seems hard work for him. And with autism navigating a relationship is harder for him so was another energy drain.

I became his carer, i did everything on top of working and I was alone a lot. Years of anxiety about if we could make it work has taken its toll on my mental health, I am a shell atm.

We talked so many times about it all, lots of tears. Every time neither could pull the plug, so we kept on pretending to ourselves and each other we could still have the life we wanted together. We were clinging to the hope of his recovery.

In the end he couldn't stand the guilt of 'holding me back' from have kids. He knew my bio clock was ticking. He did it out of love for me as he doesnt think he will ever recover and that would mean being single for the rest of his life. He made a huge sacrifice for me.

Part of me hopes he somehow recovers in the next year and comes back, but wishful thinking has done enough damage so I have to push it aside.

Yes, it’s not fair to bring a child into all this.

That's not promising but not unexpected. I was getting my eggs frozen by the end of the year anyway. It's just so jot how I thought my life would go

The only thing I’d say about going it alone is to really think about the support system/village you have, especially if you already struggle with depression as this will make you more susceptible to PND.

I have a 5 month old baby and I do love her more than anything in the world, but pregnancy, birth, and especially the newborn days would have been incredibly difficult to get through without my husband’s support and the support of our wider family. Even if you have the support of parents it doesn’t compare to the support of a good partner who is there for you 24/7, to share the night feeds, even just to hold you while you have a good cry sometimes. Have a think about all options, don’t make any decisions until you’ve moved past the grief of this relationship ending x

I think it’s very selfish to have a child on your own.

I was in this position, I met a lovely man who makes me much happier than ex ever did and we are TTC (I'm now late 30s).

I'd agree with PPs, focus on sorting out your issues before worrying about meeting someone and having a child.

Look into DBT- it's a really effective form of therapy that can turn people's lives around. And find other things in life that make you happy/content, so you're not just worrying about having a baby/meeting someone.

Thanks for explaining that OP, that sounds a really sad situation and as you say you could spend forever hoping he recovers. I think you're taking a brave step.

It's great that you have that family support whatever you do.

If you're fairly solvent I would invest in some good quality therapy over the next few months to help your MH recover. you can do this alongside rebuilding your social life in the new place and potentially meeting some new faces in the new area after you've had a bit of time to regroup.

Freeze your eggs ASAP if you can

35 is still young! You have a few years. If you want to be loved then learn to love yourself first. Work on being truly independent, enjoy your single life for a bit to get yourself back. It does sound like you and your ex were a bit co-dependent. Go on dates, don't write yourself off! A woman should always have a mindset that she can meet a great man at any age! Don't rush wish a child just yet, especially if you want to have a full family with a husband/partner, but don't waste any more time thinking about your ex!

What path do you suggest the OP takes then? It's not very helpful to just chuck your personal judgement into the discussion without any context or useful advice.

I suggest they don’t have a child on their own because it’s selfish especially in the OP’s particular circumstances.

Does he want a child / children?

Freeze your eggs and get dating'
Don't worry about your issues as long as you're managing them, as most men our age come with their own issues too!