Co-parenting Vs Sticking it out (young children)

[AdvicepleaseRship]

Two children, aged 4 and 6. Youngest will start school Sep 2025. Total ick-factor, no intimacy for years. Fuelled by years of repetitive loops - having to ask/remind about basic tasks constantly. Small changes made but not enough, or at least, perhaps too late to salvage things as I'm fed up of feeling like a mother of three and feel like I cannot trust him to do things properly or without my instigating action. I have tried explaining things over the years and now just feel very over it. He is a decent person and I'm wondering whether to call it quits and try to establish co-parenting instead.

My main dilemma is whether to continue sticking it out in order to be with the children under same roof 24/7. For a while longer, perhaps until youngest starts school?

Did your relationship ever get back on track after similar? How is co-parenting, do you miss your children immensely?
Would I regret making the decision in years to come because 50% parenting would feel too little?

Really, I'm just worried about not having enough time with the children so that is my main concern. And feeling bad for not sticking at the marriage (good/bad times etc).

What would you do? What have you done if you've been in a similar position? How is co-parenting for you?

Bumping to hopefully get traffic.

I left my H when the kids were 11 & 9. This was 16 years ago now. I felt like I had to leave, as he was constantly cheating on me.

It was very hard at first. Hard to swallow alternating Christmas and birthdays. Very hard letting them go abroad with their dad, for hols. I sometimes wonder if I should have waited until they were 18 +. Co parenting was, quite frankly, a nightmare. But that was due to his difficult nature. He would withhold maintenance. Just be awkward for the sake of it. When the youngest turned 18, he refused to speak to me ever again. Very weird. So for example, at son's graduation I was blanked. At daughter's wedding I was blanked. All very odd.

On the upside, I met my DH just 2 months after I left first H, and he is without a doubt the love of my life. Kids love him too (although it was a rocky start, with a few "you're not my dad" moments when they were young. Time has moved on. Kids are adults. Life is very good now, but it wasn't an easy ride at times.

In your shoes, I think I would just leave. Your kids are young enough to adapt. You are young enough to move on. Just be prepared for him to turn into a grade A asshole, when he knows you're leaving.

Have your children been without you overnight?
Has he been able to manage parenting without you for more than a few hours?
Does he have a network of people you could lean on if he needed to have an 'adult' to assist him with parenting when you're not there?
Is he feigning incompetence to keep you longer?

Thanks so much for the replies.

Yes, I've been away several times and he is fine at parenting, no qualms there. It's the general running of the house/lives and general laziness and "can't do" attitude that has ground me down. There's zero sexual desire on my side and I can't imagine that changing, but he genuinely is a decent man. I've probably "trained" him into a very decent husband for someone else, but getting to this point, and the constant bickering, has drained me. He's aware too, neither of us are happy but try to make it work.

He doesn't have a support network close-by. Neither do I. I do believe we'd make a good team co-parenting as neither of us are nasty people and would have the children as the priority.

I have a good life in many respects, but I'm starting to actively avoid being in his company and don't want to be around him. But worried if I don't make it work, I'll miss the children too much whilst they're this age.

Has anyone had a good experience of co-parenting or is it just a nightmare on top of missing the children? I feel I've only heard bad stories / experiences.

OP, I divorced my husband a few years ago. He insisted on 50/50 so he would not have to pay maintenance.
As for leaving the marriage, only you can tell what you can put up with and compromise on. It is different for everyone I guess.
My marriage was really bad and if I had stayed I would definitely have been worse mother to my kids.

The biggest issues for me are the pain caused to our children (I am aware though that it is a lesser evil in the long term so I keep saying that to myself) and the fact that I do not have my kids half of the time (though we live close by and I offer to have them whenever I can so it ends up being more than 50%).
I am not going to lie, it is awful. I found a hobby on the days kids are with him so I could somehow survive and in a couple of years it became bearable and I kind of got used to the routine.

Financially it is also quite difficult and far from an enjoyable experience.

On the other hand, I did have a fair amount of therapy to help me deal with the hostility towards the ex and that really helped our co-parenting relationship. Once I changed the way I was dealing with him, he calmed down and we are rather amicable now and the coparenting relationship is satisfactory. Yes, it does depend mostly on how I manage situations, but I found a way to be more involved in my kids' lives and kind of help them by helping him if that makes sense. He is still basically a useless parent, though he managed to keep them alive so I should be thankful, but everything else is basically borderline neglect so I have to facilitate.

Having had the experience of the divorce and its aftermath, I would have tried to save the marriage that was not too awful just on the account of not letting my kids suffer. The pain they feel because their parents are divorced and the constant reminder they see in their friends who live with both their parents are simply heart-breaking. If my marriage was worth saving, I would not have put them through such pain.

Is it worth getting a sitter and going out on date nights? Try to find the spark? It was there once, after all. If not, I'm not sure you can live like this until they are grown up - that's a long time!

I think the experience of co-parenting totally depends on the parents and what kind of parent/person they are.

I have 2 friends who are both co-parenting with their ex’s. 1 of them has non-stop battles, maintenance rarely paid or rarely on time, unreliable with contact, ex isn’t bothered about being a dad until it suits him (Christmas/holidays), no sharing of sickness days when kids are unwell, no willingness to be flexible or helpful, she’s had no end of bother BUT she expected it because this is exactly what he was like when they were together.

The other friend has an amazing co-parenting set up with her ex, mutually agreed 60/40 split, sickness days they take turns and are flexible whenever needed/possible, both pay 50/50 for any extras like uniforms/school trips/Christmas presents etc, still have some days out altogether so child see’s them getting on, they are in touch with each other all the time so get to speak to their child even if it’s not their night without any issues, both are amazing parents and very respectful of each other. And again, this is what she expected, because this is the kind of man he was when they were together, he was a brilliant dad but just the relationship between them was over.

It is definitely possible to have a good co-parenting set up but it does depend on both people involved having good intentions and wanting it to work.

Thank you all, really helpful.
The thought of date nights fill me with dread, we've definitely not had much quality time together at all, but when we have (or family holidays) they've not been fun at all. It's definitely the children that make me think we should work on it, but we've had so many conversations about what needs to change over the years, without much improvement that I feel over it. The thought of being intimate with him makes me feel, just no.

The second example of co-parenting is how I'd visualise us being. It's just making the decision is so final. But it feels like it's coming soon because I've felt like this for a long while, definitely for the last year. I just want to escape the house, or not have him in it.

We tried to make things work for the sake of our DS but after limping on for a couple of years, we made a joint decision to separated and amicably co parent.

We've had a few bumps along the way but I believe if was better than continuing to stay in a household where we would have ended up resenting each other.

Our DS is 20 now and I’m still very amicable with my x though no way on earth could I ever live with him 🤣

I decided to end the relationship I had with my daughter's father. But I spent a year planning it mostly getting my finances in order to ensure the impact on my daughter was minimal. I bought my partner out of our property so we didn't have to move. On the whole I know I made the right decision I didn't want her to see me and her father not in a lovely relationship I was worried about her seeing the dynamic between us and that then being the main relationship she witnessed growing up. I saw a councillor for a year first too before deciding. If I could give advice it would be to be absolutely sure it's over try counselling if you can couples counselling ideally. Give him ultimatums say unless things change you're leaving.... I've had to get used to my daughter describing time at my house and her dads. Being around other parents that are together can make you feel sad sometimes grieving the fact your children won't have a family life as you'd imagined. On the positive side I've been dating and feel I can get another relationship that will be better. We co parent really well and there are no tensions. We split when my daughter was just about to start school if you can wait until your kids are that age then I think it's easier as they get used to it you can explain too...

Well, to quote the famous one, "all happy families are alike, the unhappy ones are unhappy in their own ways". So, if you feel that you've reached your limit then that's it, I guess. Things can get bad in different ways and they do not have to get dramatic to be crippling and unfulfilling.

Anyway, my point is that it is possible to have a reasonable and amicable co-parenting relationship even with the less than reasonable characters. Sure, you have to put in more work, but I gave up on chasing justice and fairness long time ago.
Our kids are comfortable with video-calling us regardless of who they are with, if one of us has to go out, the other one will have the kids regardless of whose night it is, we do occasionally go shopping for kids stuff together, visit school events together, occasionally have meals together at my or his place, we even looked after kids at each other's place, etc. Yes, I have to bite my tongue every now and then but it is worth knowing that all that is done for kids's sake, making their lives easier. It took a bit of time and a lot of therapy to be honest, but I made it. And we had a truly nasty divorce and lived under the same roof while divorcing + covid. So, it was really bad.

Thank you. It's very good to hear that co-parenting amicably is possible.

When I say I've been thinking about this for the past year, that's been the actual separation thoughts. It's been limping on for years, to quote a PP. Definitely not a decision I've taken lightly but it's starting to feel like possibly weeks left, rather than months or years so I thought it time to seek other opinions. It's difficult to talk to people in real life, about this. Especially because I wanted to hear about direct experiences, so thank you.

I really feel that he feels the same too. And that one of us will end up broaching the subject soon.

Wondering whether a trial separation would re-ignite the long lost spark or form steps towards final divorce.

I am old, but in your position i would probably stick it out. Personally I know that i would have struggled to cope with two small DC (and a full time job) on my own for considerable lengths of time. Holidays with just me and DC would have been extremely difficult. In addition I don't think it is fair on children to expect them to adapt to having two homes, moving between the two, remembering all the stuff needed for school, clubs, reminders about party invites etc etc; much better for them to have one base. Since you say your DH is a decent man/father the question is would any of you really be happier if you separated? Especially the children. Compromises and lowered standards might be the way to go (thinking of my DH's hopeless DIY skills, gaps in flooring, unfilled cracks painted over.......and as for cleaning.....)

Have you had relationship counselling? If not, it should be a step before any separation, trial or otherwise. You have some quite big empathic ruptures on your side to work through, but it definitely sounds salvageable. It sounds like the main sticking points for you are what's happened in the past rather than the present

Actually, would you be prepared to say the actual things you have argued about? Is it just a case of different standards? Because if it's things that you think are important in the home and he doesn't, part of a marriage is about compromise...

I had the decision taken out of my hands as my ex left when youngest was just a baby. Share the kids 50/50. I feel for them going between two homes but am trying to make the best of it. I do enjoy the time I get to myself now. The hardest times have been trying to look after them both on my own during the toddler years. I don’t get on with my ex but we mostly stay polite

I left. Like you no abuse, just unhappy. It was actually a crush that made me leave. I had a dream that someone was embracing me and actually wanted to spend time with me and when I woke up, the soul crushing reality was that I did not feel that from my other half and he didn't feel it from me. Did we really want to spend the rest of our lives deprived of that?
Life really is too short and I don't think we are meant to meet someone at 17-25 and spend the rest of our lives together. Not these days. Most women have a fair few stages in their lives these days and I can't imagine many find someone who suits them at all of their various evolutions.
Are you really going to get rid of years of resentment with a few date nights and some new underwear? Once it's gone, it's gone.

Yes it is bloody hard. I am skint and exhausted. Kids are ok, they took it quite well. Me and their dad can still go on holiday together, spend Christmas together, do joint birthday party's.
None of us have moved on and that worries me. Because I don't ever want my children to be stepchildren due to knowing so many who have been mistreated and pushed aside.
I am still single, two years on and it's fine actually. I found that feeling less trapped made me realise I don't really want a man anyway. Or a a woman, I just wanted freedom.
I think you have to know yourself and your dependency. If you need to be with someone then I would think long and hard about it. My friend has just split up with someone again, after two and a half years, and her son is crushed. It's like losing a father again. I can't imagine putting my children through that, although it's easily done. You think they'll stick around, you'll think they'll still see your children, the majority don't.
What I love is how much happier I am. I pick my children up after a day at their dad's and I've had time to clean, read, see friends, study, catch up on work, sleep! I'm a better parent to them. Previously I would have had the children with me all weekend, then came home to a filthy house and broken promises. I would go to bed resentful and furious. Now I have time, I have better friendships, I have more time to explore my creativity and interests.

Saying that, my ex's life is much worse. I do feel guilty about that. He doesn't see his children six days of the week due to their routine and he lives on someone's sofa. He hasn't reconnected with friends and is depressed. It's hard to see. I don't think I can change this, it's his life. Just to be aware though, you might feel complicated emotions like guilt. Especially as society generally doesn't understand women who leave 'just' because they're unhappy. Most think you're having an affair or are a sex addict!

Would your income stretch to two homes in your area? Would one of you have to move far away, or sell/give up current home and move area? Would one of you end up in a share house?

I know couples who have made it work and couples who have found it hell. Usually worse when there are feelings of anger or rejection involved, or one person ends up with massively reduced standard of living.

If you think he's a slob, you'll still have to send your kids to stay with him. And he might not do 50/50, kids often end up with mum in the week and Dad at weekends, so you get all the shit stuff and he gets the fun.

I wouldn't stay together in your shoes, try to make it civil now rather than waiting til one of you meets someone else and hurt feelings are involved.

Absolutely leave him
And coparent. You've tried to communicate he hasn't taken it on board.

You could try a mini coparenting situation now eg say to him I want some me time - I want to go to gym on Tuesdays and see friends on Thursdays, can you do school pick up and bedtimes then and I'll cover Monday and Wednesdays and then weekends we do together or take turns? Get that going and see what it's like to have a night off - between you don't hate it, and your kids will have a refreshed mum back. - if that works then you know a 50/50 split could work for everyone.
If he can't handle it or won't do it then there's your argument and evidence why the kids should live with you more time after you split.

Thank you so very much for all your replies and sharing of experiences. It's really helpful.

Main argument /issues, just two below (there are many more).

He takes no ownership of tasks - he has no system so forgets, meaning I have to check in/manage. Yet he's very competent at work and keeps a diary. I've asked repeatedly over 4 years for him to utilise a system, but he doesn't. My mental load is immense, his is about 3 daily visible tasks, then maybe 1-2 I ask him to do, he forgets, doesn't do. I mean, I'm still asking on 2 things and it's been over a year. Yet he sorts his hobbies in a flash.

Leading me onto- he doesn't listen/ does half a job. I can literally bet my life that he will not do a job properly - and I don't even mean to "my standards" - I mean do something so wrong that it costs us either financially or timewise (to fix). In 2022, as a direct result of this though we had discussed his "pattern", he did something that left me in a very vulnerable position and cost us around £2k. To be honest, I think that's when I really checked out a little. He was then the MODEL husband for six weeks until I (not him) sorted the situation. We did discuss afterwards how 1. He was able to perform tasks well in that period, but not prior/since (reliably) and 2. How I just can't trust him / depend on him.

I'm extremely independent, I definitely don't need a partner and not daunted by being single. In around 6-12 months we should be able to purchase a second house in the area. In my head, I'd hope to keep this house, he buy new and we set it up nicely and just share assets. I genuinely would see it as a friendly partnership to help ensure we are both set up, two streets or so away from each other, ensuring nice homes for the children. I've been looking at local listings a lot and feel it would be affordable.

From all the comments, I think I should definitely look at couple counselling first.

Thanks @Unexpectedlysinglemum We actually have this sort of set-up already, I'm very lucky. That's definitely the reason we've made it this far. We definitely co-parent in terms of being present for the children and we each have time for ourselves. I suppose, and it's helped to talk it through on here, we haven't had the time for each other, and haven't made the time for each other.

When we have done something (once or twice a year), it's not been great. He holds onto resentment thinking he'd rather keep the peace, but then becomes moody. Whereas I'd rather share and move on. We really clash on those points.

My experience having split up when I had a spread of children across various ages is that the younger the child, the better they take it and the fewer lasting effects as they grow up.

I think it's best to put the children first in this decision rather than your feelings about having to share them after divorce. fwiw, I regret not doing it sooner as it would have been easier on the children.

As far as missing the children goes, you get used to it. I never thought I would and used to miss them dreadfully. I grew to enjoy my child free time (mine are teens now and choose to spend all their time with me).

I can't imagine the extent of his shitness to leave over odd jobs around the house. If you find yourself in a years time really skint, overwhelmed, doing every school run and school pick up are these things really going to seem so significant?
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