Co-parenting Vs Sticking it out (young children)

[AdvicepleaseRship]

Two children, aged 4 and 6. Youngest will start school Sep 2025. Total ick-factor, no intimacy for years. Fuelled by years of repetitive loops - having to ask/remind about basic tasks constantly. Small changes made but not enough, or at least, perhaps too late to salvage things as I'm fed up of feeling like a mother of three and feel like I cannot trust him to do things properly or without my instigating action. I have tried explaining things over the years and now just feel very over it. He is a decent person and I'm wondering whether to call it quits and try to establish co-parenting instead.

My main dilemma is whether to continue sticking it out in order to be with the children under same roof 24/7. For a while longer, perhaps until youngest starts school?

Did your relationship ever get back on track after similar? How is co-parenting, do you miss your children immensely?
Would I regret making the decision in years to come because 50% parenting would feel too little?

Really, I'm just worried about not having enough time with the children so that is my main concern. And feeling bad for not sticking at the marriage (good/bad times etc).

What would you do? What have you done if you've been in a similar position? How is co-parenting for you?

Thanks @FernGullyLunchbox1994

It's other things too. The not listening to me doesn't make me feel valued. There's never been any gratitude for all the things I sort. There's never any enthusiasm or joy in participating, he may be "present" but he doesn't bring any fun.

And many other things. Hard to explain all the things that have gotten us to this point, but at the moment I just can't imagine ever getting the spark back and it's been almost 5 years since any intimacy, hence now seeking others experiences.

As someone who has been divorced twice (and now happily married for 14 years) I think if you’re even able to contemplate counselling then you’re not there yet - in terms of splitting up. With both my now exes I got to the point where even hearing them breathe would fill me with rage 🙈🤣 I literally couldn’t stand to be in the same room as them yet alone the same bed. And neither of them were particularly horrible or anything but you really do reach a point where you’ve had enough and it doesn’t sound like you’re there yet.

Thanks @Pigeonqueen we don't share a bed, haven't in 5 years. The thought of it is no, I've been able to avoid due children's sleeping habits. To be honest, the counselling would be a last ditch and because of the children, and the advice on here. But yes, you're right, there's a tiny part of me that wonders whether we could make it out the other side of these challenging years, especially as financially, things are just about to improve after a challenging few years. And then a larger part which feels excited by the thought of a fresh start, living without another adult and so on. But again, trying to balance the marriage vows/children etc.

@pigeon@pigeon sorry can't seem to delete this tag, it was incorrectly added whilst tagging the poster above.

It sounds like your relationship is over. I think your best bet is to separate now. I have a good co-parenting relationship with the father of my 2 DC. It’s been 12yrs now, children are 16 and 20 now. We have been on many days out and holidays together as Co-parents (don’t know he’s in another relationship but we still see each other most days and get on well as friends). We have always been a united front on discipline etc and the kids are fantastic, couldn’t ask for better kids. It’s not affected them negatively at all. Staying together would have. My parents stayed together and hated each other and I didn’t want that for my kids, it wasn’t good.

I separated from my partner recently, children slightly younger than yours at just 3 and just 5. The 5 year old has taken it absolutely fine - the 3 year old is quite upset. I read that it's best to do it younger as children adapt better. But I think 3 is maybe a bad age as she's aware but doesn't understand. The 5 year old I think gets that things are now better. Whereas the 3 year old doesn't.

Admittedly I split for a slightly different reason - emotional abuse of the children (although the lack of effort in the home sounds familiar, that wasn't the reason for the split).

But I don't think it's in a child's best interests to have 50:50 split care. They are better off having a home and visiting the other parent. I think 50:50 is not a child centred thing to do at all. Perhaps unless both parents were completely equally involved from birth?

My DH and I were in the same situation. We started to argue in front of the kids and we were both sure we didn't want this for them or us.

We've been separated since Christmas (he moved out a month later once he'd got himself together and I'd applied for universal credit to top up my wage (this takes a month just incase you'll need it btw).

We co-parent very well. He has them Thursday morning until Saturday evening every week without fail and kids (6 & 2) are super happy. They know when it's a "mummy day" or "daddy day" - we send each other photos of the kids when we're doing stuff with them so that helps with missing them.

We've had a few communication issues (after all he's still the same person I couldn't be with anymore!) but overall it's working really well.

I took a second job Friday & Saturday evenings and have Thursday evening & Saturday morning to myself now which is really nice and the break I need to be a better mum again come Sunday when I'm with them again.

I think two happy separate parents are better than an unhappy couple.

I stayed because I thought it was the right thing to do. I wish I'd left when I was at the stage you sound like you're at now. We don't co parent, because he's not a very nice person, but luckily my children were much older when we finally split. I carry far less resentment and am a far happier person and just wish I'd done it sooner

From another point of view, both my husband and I grew up with parents in unhappy marriages (in different ways). Both pretty smug about 'staying together for the children'. We wished they hadn't. It wasn't a nice way to live, it didn't set a good example, no-one was happy. Sensible co-parenting would have been much better.

It's sad when you have to split up to get any time for yourself...
I am having at least half a day to myself every weekend now. Having had a total of about 5 half days in over 5 years up to this point.
I mean I love my kids but that bit of time is such a luxury!

There’s a University of Melbourne study on this which the press reported as ‘man-child syndrome’ and basically confirmed a partner that makes you feel you have an extra child kills any desire. We split when dc much older and exH doesn’t see them much and his idea of coparenting is Disney dad style - picking the fun bits and none of the heavy lifting. This may happen if your partner is already selfish and doesn’t pull their weight. You cannot predict what someone will be like after separation many dads do massively step back or move away or move on even when previously been hands on. So you need to go into it ready to parent solo and anything else is a bonus. You cannot assume he will stay nearby. But I have a great relationship with my dc and we are very much a family unit / team probably because ex is mostly absent. Definitely do not wait until they leave home as that’s the most destabilising for dc. It’s much better if they live with you during the fallout and you all work towards a new normal. my dc are at uni and very much feel they have a home to come back to, which dc whose parents wait until they leave to separate usually don’t. So unless you plan to stay forever it’s better to do it younger and preferably before exam years.

Thank you so much to everyone replying and sharing your experiences.

Reading on my original post, it sounds like it's just him doing job tasks that has ground me down. It's definitely more the attitude, communication and personality clashes overall which have appeared over the last 4+ years, the tasks have just brought these to light.

Crucially, I feel like I have to do everything myself and can't depend on him which is draining, and an absolute passion killer. And I have forgotten to mention he is fond of a white lie, which I find infuriating. There's lots of things and I forget them all as have been just plodding along for ages. But he is a very good man, fantastic dad and I need to see if we can get the spark back. That's the key I think. Is that possible after so much ick-factor? I'm not so sure but I might give it until Christmas to see.

2 of my friends did 50/50 very successfully. The kids all coped fine, they were lucky in as much as in both cases both sets of parents lived near each other, they had their own bedrooms in each home & adapted really well.

One friend even continued to celebrate Christmas & birthdays with her ex for many years. They have the most civilised divorce ever. The other friend not so amicable with her ex but the 50/50 has always worked well

I think that's a good idea, but from experience if you just wait till Christmas with the status quo maintained, nothing will have changed. I'd really rush to marriage counselling, it might help you make sense of why he acts the way he does and hopefully he might be able to change his behaviours - often marital issues are rooted in deep childhood experiences that have to be unpacked and understood before they can be worked on.

Just wondering if there is any update on your situation. It sounds very similar to mine however I’ve actually ended things with my partner yesterday and looking for any positive stories I can find as I feel so ill with it all!

From the experience of my friends, and some family, the consensus seems to be that the younger the children are when the separation happens, the better!

I hope so, mine are only little. I def can’t just stay together for their sake and I’m unhappy and it’s probably affecting how I parent them. Hope the op is getting on okay whatever their decision.

Hi @AdvicepleaseRship I haven’t read the whole thread, but I wanted to comment that splitting up our family was the most heartbreaking thing that I have ever had to do and the grief from that will live with me for the rest of my life. That’s not to say you will.
I’ve read a lot since my split and wish that I had done it before and attended couples counselling (He wouldn’t engage). Two books, I would really recommend are ‘attached’ by Amir Levine And ‘the new rules’ By Margarita Nazarenko.
I would really urge you to read these before deciding.

It's hard but easier when older. I left exh on my 33rd birthday kids age 7 and 12.

My question about if your relationship is really dead. Men jump into relationships quickly how would you feel about another woman having your kids and parenting them every alt weekend and one night in the week. If that's OK with you then yes it is dead in the water. If this would hurt you then maybe try counselling

My update is still together. Husband seeking counselling for himself. The benefits of staying together outweigh the split, for me. Children are happy and have both of us on hand. It works well and we don't argue. If we disagree, we reach a resolution or compromise which I think models the ability to discuss things. I don't want my children to learn to keep their feelings in.

I can see it going either way and would rather continue as we are, though if he calls an end to it, that's also fine. I feel no responsibility to act for both of us, I'm fed up of taking the lead with everything. I'm happy enough, love being around the children and lead an active life. Thanks for the book recommendations, I'll give them a read.

Hope the PP who has recently split manages to navigate the waters well.

update from me, still separated and so far managing to be in the same house and co parent well. Financially neither of us can move out yet but we are starting to make plans for the future. There’s been a lot of emotions but I really feel hopefuly we can continue. We have both said we need to keep the communication going. Also both making effort with friends and doing things outside of the home.

I know this is old but hoping you see this, how did your ex take the news of new partner after 2 months.