Moral dilemma

[Soon2bemumoftwo]

Advice needed - I have recently found out that my husbands friend (who has one child and another due in a matter of months) has been spending time with another woman and kissed (all he has admitted to so far) and is talking about leaving his partner.

Most of the couples in our friendship group have been together for 10 years + so we have all become close and so I am finding it very difficult to know this and do nothing.

The male in question has not said he is definitely leaving his pregnant partner however the way he is talking makes it seem very much like this will inevitably be the outcome (we think he is just waiting for her to give birth to avoid any health issues due to the stress of her finding out).
I am in an impossible position as I feel like an awful person standing back and saying nothing but I also worry her finding out and being heavily pregnant could induce labour or miscarry and I also feel as it is my husbands friend it is not my place to get involved. All of the friends who know including my husband have condemned the situation vehemently and told the guy to cut all contact with the other female and work on his relationship however he seems like he is adamant on not taking any of their advice.

Should I be steering clear and minding my own business (avoiding possible issues with my own husband for getting involved and having any repercussions of the mother and baby’s health land on me) or should I be telling her what I know?

My god, that poor woman,. I don't think I would tell her but I hope you all support her and get rid of that shitty man in your friendship group. What kind of woman has an affair with someone whose partner is heavily pregnant, what kind of man does it? If all of you do stand by him, I hope to goodness you don't make it easy for her to integrate. Flip, these threads are heartbreaking, what some women go through or in this case, going to go through, is so hard to read.

It sounds as if the men are working on him. He may change his mind. I wouldn't wade in, personally.

I would send her an anonymous card and tell her everything.

It's horrible that so many people know but the poor woman doesn't.
She is going to feel doubly betrayed when he tells her he is leaving her and she realises it was the source of conversation in the friendship group and no one told her.
I don't think I could not say something to her . Something along the lines of there is gossip her partner is seeing someone else.

Can you tell her after the baby is born?

Yikes what a difficult situation to be in . I wouldn't say anything yet as she is 37 weeks pregnant, it might ruin her experience with childbirth and bonding in the early days and of course as you said the stress could bring on labour. Either way she's going to face finding out and going to be in an incredibly upsetting situation, I think maybe waiting a bit after baby is born to gently tell her.

How long does she have to go?

The right thing to do is your DH, preferably with the support of his friends, is to say - you can tell her, or we will.

I would wait until after the baby is born and see what happens then. If you suspect he's still seeing the other woman, I would tell your friend then. Be prepared for the fact that people often shoot the messenger. She might not be happy with you initially but hopefully she will be grateful in the long run.

No, the wife is about to give birth, that would be too cruel and dangerous to her health.
And its her husbands friend not hers, so its not her business.

Sending an anonymous note is a horrible thing to do-she’ll have no way of knowing if it’s true or who sent it.

to be honest I think you’re over invested in your friends life

I would suggest it's better to wait until after the baby, if it's been going on a while a few more weeks is not going to hurt her.

I’m stunned at the amount of people saying don’t tell her until the baby is born. The birth is going to be tainted either way. That poor woman. At least if she gives birth on her own she’ll know she can do anything on her own without that loser in her life!

If she's your friend then tell her, she can plan to organise finances etc before he does. If not stay out of it. My x decided 4 months after our son was born blind/disabled that he was too young to be tied to a wheel chair and wanted to split and leave his daughter and son with me. We had been together 14 years. He moved onto a gold digger, married x3 kids and she divorced him at 4 years - took his house and savings had to move back in with mummy. He died 6 months later from C. Some men are not worth being upset about. I wish someone had told me - but it's your call.

Say nothing. You don’t know what your male friend plans to do so give him the space to sort this out in his own mind. He may come to his senses.

If you jump the gun and the marriage breaks down, part of the responsibility for that will be on you. If they stay together, they’ll probably never speak to you again.

A shock or fright has no impact on the chance of a miscarriage - that's an urban legend. Don't hold back on that account. The sooner she knows, the better.

Misconceptions about miscarriage

An increased risk of miscarriage is not linked to your emotional state during pregnancy, such as being stressed or depressed having a shock or fright during pregnancy

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/miscarriage/causes/

Tell her! It happened to someone I know and the entire friend group knew for months before she did and said nothing and it ruined the friendship group. The person still says nearly 10 years on that is the thing that hurts the most. Tell her and be there to support her through ❤️

I actually think it’s worse finding out in those first few months of having a baby, I was all over the place emotionally. Adding on top of it that so many people knew for months!

Id say she needs to know as soon as possible, her not knowing is taking away any choice she has.

Absolutely tell her. The fact that everyone seems to know except her is just awful.

I'd rather know before the baby is born to give me time to get my head around it before having to deal with a newborn too.
She can then start planning a future as a single mum rather than having all her plans blown apart at the last minute.

Not sure if you should be the one to tell her though. Depends how sure you are and how close to her you are I guess.

What a scum bag he sounds. It’s a shame your DH and his friends don’t ditch him because of it, but men do tend to stick together with situations like this.
I don’t think it’s your place to tell his wife, but at the same time you have been put in a very difficult position. If it eventually comes out I would make it very clear to his wife you are on her side and support her. That will be the point to get involved - to support her and shun her scummy partner.

I’m very surprised at all the ‘don’t say anything’ comments, I’m glad that they’re not my friends.
Your husband needs to tell this guy that the cat is out of the bag… He either tells her or you guys do.
Imagine giving birth with your husband by your side, probably having some complications, finding out your husband is a lying scumbag and THEN finding out that your whole friendship circle knew. That would break me.

I’m terribly sorry for your predicament x

I'd bloody well want to know, cheating sack of shite. What right does he have to be at the birth of his child when he can't keep his dick in his pants?

She has a right to know

I know that if I was in the same situation, I'd tell her. Maybe face to face, maybe anonymously. But she deserves to know.

I was that pregnant woman whose partner left her before the baby was born, for another woman he had (as I found out) been sleeping with during my entire pregnancy. I also found out after he left, and before baby was born, that several of our mutual friends knew of his intentions to leave and that he was pursuing something with someone else we all knew.

The initial shock of him calling time on the relationship was bad, but the residual hurt of knowing that people around me knew and said nothing, even though some tried to make him see sense, was worse. I wish someone had given me the warning so that I wasn't so blindsided by it, but also the fact he left before baby arrived meant I had time to get my head around doing it all by myself. I think if it had all come to light after I'd given birth, I'd have struggled with processing it all and dealing with the consequences when I already had a tiny person to be looking after.

Just a thought from someone who's been in a similar boat.

I have to agree with this too. Before she has the baby. After would be horrific time to find out. Like others said down the line it’s knowing everyone knew but you that messes you up. Finding out a few weeks before the birth will give her time to come to terms with it whilst also feeling like it’s a new beginning when the baby is born. My friend has similar and in the last weeks of pregnancy moved back home and is happier now almost a year on and had her baby to focus on. It wasn’t easy but I think it be much worse to find out a few months after when you have the baby.

He may come to his senses if it comes out now. I’m in the club of being cheated on people knew but I didn’t so it just annoys me when 90% of the population watches and you feel humiliated on top.