Moral dilemma

[Soon2bemumoftwo]

Advice needed - I have recently found out that my husbands friend (who has one child and another due in a matter of months) has been spending time with another woman and kissed (all he has admitted to so far) and is talking about leaving his partner.

Most of the couples in our friendship group have been together for 10 years + so we have all become close and so I am finding it very difficult to know this and do nothing.

The male in question has not said he is definitely leaving his pregnant partner however the way he is talking makes it seem very much like this will inevitably be the outcome (we think he is just waiting for her to give birth to avoid any health issues due to the stress of her finding out).
I am in an impossible position as I feel like an awful person standing back and saying nothing but I also worry her finding out and being heavily pregnant could induce labour or miscarry and I also feel as it is my husbands friend it is not my place to get involved. All of the friends who know including my husband have condemned the situation vehemently and told the guy to cut all contact with the other female and work on his relationship however he seems like he is adamant on not taking any of their advice.

Should I be steering clear and minding my own business (avoiding possible issues with my own husband for getting involved and having any repercussions of the mother and baby’s health land on me) or should I be telling her what I know?

So it does not matter if he doesn't continue it after the birth - he is an awful human being and she deserves to know so she can make the decision. However, wait a few weeks until after the birth if he hasn't told her then, tell her yourself.

I'm so sorry. This is just awful. I can understand how people like OP don't know what to do for the best and I can understand how awful it is to discover that people actively kept a secret from you.

When a friend confessed to me, I had multiple dreams about her H pointing his finger at me, across crowded rooms or at parties, and shouting 'you knew!!!'. Awful. I wish she had never decided to tell me, and ultimately it was the end of our friendship.

She will probably shoot the messenger, and will need a lot of support. Does she have that in RL? I would be tempted to tell her asap, but only once I knew that she had that. I would also be prepared for her to be angry with me for a while.

I'd be doubly devastated if I found out my partner was cheating and I was the last to know. For her sake, I'd tell her.

HOWEVER, I was in a similar position with an ex partner's friendship group. I didn't tell the wife, but I told my ex and the info made its way to the couple in question. The husband vehemently denied it, she believed him (as did everyone else in the group), and I was ostracised for 'spreading rumours'. He came out smelling of roses and I was treated like a villain. Wilful ignorance of husband's infidelity 🙄

If it were me I would absolutely want to know before the birth. I would forever think that the birth was tainted and even the thought that he would be thinking of someone else while I was in labour would be gut wrenching. Even if the friends even do manage to talk him round he has still betrayed her at her most vulnerable time, who’s to say he wouldn’t do it again?

This is an awful situation and actually I think it may be more detrimental to her mental health if she were to find out after the birth. Post-partum is such an emotional time so to then have this information thrust upon you would, I can only imagine, be far too overwhelming.

What a horrible situation for everyone involved.

I would wait. She'll understand why. It's just a few weeks, not the same as letting her be the last to know ages after.

My reason is that it doesn't make a material difference whether you tell her now or soon (unless she's from overseas and may want to leave before the baby is born).

Also if there is a problem with the baby you can keep quiet rather than her having to deal with that all at once (and if I'm honest it having come from you). I don't get the impression you're close enough that youre obliged to tell her come what may, just that it feels like the right thing to do when the time is right. I don't think that's immediately in this case.

You can do a lot right now whether or not you tell. Start a document of notes about what she will need if she faces separation. Look at emotional help (helplines, support groups, your best support try learning creative listening) to practical finance again helplines, groups, banking issues? mortgage/ rent to legal solicitir?
You could have a whole lot of help info and support all ready to swing out instantly when/ if she needs it.

Otherwise I am on the side of not telling her just now. It's not long till yje birth and the man is apparently willing to not cause her grief until after the birth.
What is best after that can only come clear then. He might tell her he's leaving, or wants to, so that removes duty on you. His hehaviour might push someone else to tell her. If neither you might find a way to partially tell eg suggest he is not as happy as he used to be. That is, suggest in small doses. Mainly wait and see what happens after the birth. It's even possible it might draw him closer.

Stay out of it. 🙂Not your business.

That is a terrible thing to do to a pregnant woman.

What's your suggestion? It's very annoying when you give someone some advice and someone criticises your advice but doesn't give any of their own.

I would not get involved personally, however an anonymous note causes a lot of distress, but is not compelling. It is too easy to dismiss, or for the guy to talk his way out of. The choice is either keep quiet or tell her personally.

Then I would tell her personally and face the fall out from everyone including her as she may not believe me. I couldn't not tell someone that they were being cheated on.

Oh and do not send an anonymous message. Either be decisive and open or not at all. An anonymous message only makes you feel you've washed your hands and doesn't actually help at all. It makes her suspicions but doesn't give any proof to work with