it's relentless

[mo334]

I feel like DH doesn't even like me. It's like he's always looking for a fight. This is especially the case when we've been apart and come back together, i.e. if I come home from somewhere, if he comes home from work. He's often this way anyway, but especially in the 'seeing each other after a few hours' apart, it's probably a 90% bet he'll pick a fight about something, usually as the first thing he'll say. It could be why I haven't made food, or if I make food it could be because it's too much carbs, or not enough meat, or healthy food with nothing fun, or too much salt. Or if the food is nice, he'll criticise the fact I didn't take the bins out as it's bins night. Or pick me up on why I said what I said in a family WhatsApp group earlier. Or why did I buy this cheese instead of that cheese. I know this sounds a bit storm in a teacup, but it's often not even what he's saying but how he's saying it, it's just very hostile and angry in a quiet, non-shouty way. He's not in any way physically abusive.

It's hard but I always try to start every new interaction like a clean slate, with love in my heart, some lightness and a smile (but not too much). But it's relentless.

Partly because I'm trying to jump through all the hoops to avoid this, I can be sensitive and defensive myself when he brings stuff up, and I've often over-reacted myself. And then it becomes an argument where then it's all why am I shouting or whatever and a lot of the conclusion of that is that I jumped down his throat, I end up saying sorry later but he'll say nothing, often not even acknowledging my apology let alone apologising for his part in anything.

There's a lot of silent treatment etc which I find very difficult because I like to straighten things out straight away.

I'm trying to be less defensive, and I've been doing quite well with it. But then he'll just carry on prodding at different things almost like he's trying to get me to bite back. The only thing that really works is leaving the room and going to a completely separate part of the house for a few hours, because in fairness he would almost never folllow and carry on arguing in that kind of scenario.

He does a lot of the household chores etc and in many ways has a strong sense of duty towards the family home. But towards me, on feelings and emotions, nothing. The vast majority of the time it's a very humourless, unforgiving environment. Sometimes there's lightness or to be more accurate it's probably more of a 'neutral' space than positive, and hardly ever any indication that he actually likes me, let alone passion or intimacy. And there are times when things are 'OK', which I find myself clinging onto, but it's like anything I say or do, or literally anything else, could switch that. So I also feel like I'm constantly on eggshells even when he is in a good mood, which then does make me more prickly myself when he inevitably does switch.

Sorry for writing such a long first message, and I'm not entirely sure what I'm asking. We have young children and breaking up feels way too scary. But I know the relationship is taking a big toll on me so it is hard. And he refuses absolutely to go to therapy or even talk about any of our issues one to one. It's almost like he sees me as an enemy. I think more than anything, I'm wondering if anyone can shed light on the possible reasons for this behaviour, because he's very much a closed book. It's got (much) worse over the years, especially with the stress of children, but looking back it's always been in the mix.

My exDH was very much like this.
He would go silent and withdraw affection if he felt I hadn't done things the way he wanted (say I cleaned the downstairs of the house he would just be cross I had done that instead of cleaning upstairs. I couldn't win) The silent treatment is a form of abuse.
I realised that he didn't actually like me. He just wanted to control my emotions.
It is the reason I left him. I haven't regretted leaving ever.
Peace and happiness fill my home now.
You can choose how the rest of your life is going to be. Remember who you are.

You know what's scarier than being a single mum? Raising kids with a bully.

If you stay, your children will learn from his behaviour and by their teens you'll have 3 bullies in your home.

Get out whilst they are young.

He us TRYING to exhaust you. He wants you too broken to leave.

You feel like he hates you because, he does.

He hates your joy, your peace, your light.
And he means to crush it.
Do whatever it takes to get away from him. Children shouldn't be raised seeing their mother abused.

He will start on them too.
And you cannot protect them by staying. Only by getting free and giving them a safe space totally free of him that they can retreat to some of the time do they have any chance of growing up and not finding themselves in similar abusive situations.

If you stay, you will have to make yourself small forevermore.

There's no reason in the world good enough to do that.

He's bullying you at every opportunity. He's undermining you and emotionally abusive. Life doesn't have to be like this.

My ex was like this, it wasn't until I left that I realised just how much it had worn me down and how much it was negatively affecting me. It is scary leaving, but so is having your children learn that a shitty relationship where you're treated like crap is normal and okay, and living in misery. You deserve better. Your children deserve better. That said it isn't easy with finances and logistics etc, is there anyone you trust to confide in real life?

This is no way to live. Your partner should be your best pal, or at least one of your best pals. Not someone who bullies you every day of your life.

Life does not have to be this way. In fact it should never be- you are walking on eggshells all the time. You two should be each other's biggest supporters 100%. You deserve a happy and peaceful life and to feel loved and supported. @Pinkbonbon post is spot on. It is very possible to get a happy relationship- you have just ended up with a total prick by the sounds of it. Bin him - it will not get any better.

Thank you, I appreciate every response here. I don't want to accept what you're saying but I know you are right, and I think I already knew deep down.

I didn't say in the first message but it's complicated because he does more than half the childcare, which he often guilts me about (but won't discuss other options). We don't have a huge amount of money but I work more (hence less childacre) and bring in more. What I'd want if we did break up would be to split the time with the kids roughly 50/50, but I feel he may try to get full custody and say things like he does most childcare now, I'm focused on my work, and even say I'm unstable etc, basically repeat the things he says to me all the time, to the court or whoever makes these decisions. I feel he would lie through his teeth, say anything, to do this, not because he wants to look after them all the time (which he wouldn't) but because his resentment of me especially if I said we're finished, would override everything, and he doesn't have the insight to see he'd prefer 50/50 as well.

Separating would be hard anyway. I feel that I love him despite everything and in some ways I'd be lost without him. But to lose the children would be unthinkable to me and because I feel that's such a high risk with him, I don't feel I can do it.

Go speak to a solicitor, OP, I think he is very, very unlikely to get full custody. Most likely is 50/50. Even mothers who do all childcare don't always get full custody - so why would he? Presumably he works as well. If he goes for it then it could be countermanded by concerns over his bullying attitude.

Go and speak to someone legal and get the full facts, and the likely outcome - then you at least have the knowledge to make a decision on what you want.

Personally I'd be divorcing him. He's a nasty bully and I couldn't bear the thought of spending my life with someone this unpleasant.

This is deliberate behaviour on his part. My ex did this a lot. Mine was having an affair and it is part of the script. The "fact" that you are not doing your part/correctly justifies him seeking someone else. But you do need to find out where you stand legally for divorce. I can't remember if you posted the children's ages but a court will expect him to work increasing hours as they age. So start documenting yours and his work history and earnings.

My ExH, who physically abused me and emotionally abused my DS1 got 50/50 awarded from the family court to look after DS2 and DD and I did the bulk of the childcare at the time (I worked part time and he worked full time) - it hasn't ever worked out like that in practice and I do 70 and he does 30 but he wanted 50/50 to avoid paying maintenance, he also financially abused me as well as breaking bones and biting me. I highly doubt any court will sway from 50/50 - so please don't let that dissuade you from leaving your abuser.

Start preparing to split up, even if you don’t, by seeing a solicitor and getting all financials together. This will also help you to visualise a potential new life without this emotional abuse in it. You can come up with a financial and practical plan about how coparenting will work.

In the meantime grey rock the fuck out of the arsehole. I like waffle grey rock. Can’t accuse you of being sarcastic or moody, you say a lot of words while saying nothing.

Him ‘why have you made food with too much carb?’

You ‘aha right. I see. Too much carb perhaps. I mean it seems ok to me to be honest. I’ll make do this time I think, thanks though. Catch you later just going to check on the kids’

Why didn’t you take the bins out? ‘Aha yeah bins. Must have forgotten those but not to worry I’ll do them in a bit. Thanks for the reminder. No biggie. I’m going to make a tea. Catch you later’.

When you’re ready to make a move either way you can ask head on ‘So lately there have been a lot of complaints from you about my food or household tasks. And I’m being ignored quite a bit which isn’t a great way to live and there’s never an explanation. It seems like neither of us are happy. What is your take on it?’

If he goes straight to ‘split up’ you will be ready with a plan and can outline how it’s going to be.

If he gaslights but says he doesn’t want to split, well you tell him how his behaviour needs to change, what this looks like on a daily basis, timeframes and potential consequences.

Basically take the power back OP.

💐

Courts don't really award full custody to parents (let alone fathers). Not unless there was proof you'd done something absolutely awful...infact, even then...

He can say what he likes, it's nothing the court haven't heard in bitter divorces before. He has zero chance of full custody so don't let his bs scare you.

It's 2024, women work. It doesn't make them lesser mothers. (And he's their dad so he SHOULD be doing half the childcare. It's not doing you a favor It's just basic parenting! It's his job! So guilting you about it is ridiculous).

Also, like you say, he wouldn't actually be able to do 100% of the time anyway. He might say he wants full custody to scare you, even try for it. But even if he got it, you'd still end up caring for them lots. A. Because he will resent you having any 'freedom' and so, want you 'stuck' caring for the kids. And b. Because he will want free time without the kids so someone would need to watch them.

You know how hateful he is and seem to think it'll be better to be his right hand rather than in his path. But im sorry to say, you are already in his path. He already treats you with contempt. You are already afraid of what he might do from day to day. Don't live your life like this.

Yes it will be a nasty divorce. But that's far better than a life alongside a villain who means you harm and will destroy you piece by piece until everything that you are or ever could be, is gone.

There is a lady called Dr. Ramani on Youtube. I think you should start watching her videos. She talks about Narcissist. You maybe be dealing with one.

The problem with confronting a potential narc if they are in fact one is that it will never get better. It will just change.

You need to look after yourself and your kids. You're clearly set on staying in the situation and perhaps Dr. Ramani's videos can give you some insight in what you're dealing with and how to manage it.

Thanks so much everyone, I really appreciate this.

In my first message when I asked about the "possible reasons for this behaviour", what I was trying to get at is, I have this feeling that he doesn't really want to be like this (even though he never really shows any regret), and maybe he's 'unwell' in some way. Am I just fooling myself? Or even if it's true, I guess you're saying it's not helpful to dwell on the why anyway? He has a complicated relationship with his own family and limited social connections, and when I take a step back and am not in his path as you said Pinkbonbon, I think I feel sorry for him more than anything. But I suppose I need to prioritise myself.

I've read a bit about narcissism before but didn't feel it necessarily ticked the boxes. But I'll check Dr. Ramani out, thanks.

I agree with pp about narcissism and second watching doctor ramani.

Some of these people I've met, I've felt tremendously sorry for. Despite how vile they are.

They make me think of the painting 'the fallen angel' by Alexandre cabenel. Google it. Its a beautiful angel with an expression of such grief and pain and rage that you feel so sorry for him. He seems...betrayed, somehow. Vulnerable, even.

But - he is the devil cast out of heaven. They betrayer, not the betrayed. So don't be fooled!

Pity is human. But please pity them from a faaaar distance away. And remember, he's not actually sick. He's just not like you. He, is a predator.

It's an exhausting way to live, not being able to regulate their self love, so, shitting on others and trying to bring them down too, out of jealousy and spite. People who live their life in dark places are pitiable. But moreso are their victims.

Thanks Pinkbonbon. I googled it, I'd never seen it, it's incredible and I see what you mean. Thanks for everything you've said and for saying it with such clarity.

this is abuse, plus he has mental health issues, perhaps anger issue or bi-polar.

He sounds like he's absolutely seething with resentment about something, but from your posts it's hard to see what this could be. Are there any signs of a mid life crisis? Was he sexually inexperienced when you met? (The sense of doors closing in that sense can hit some men extremely hard and turn them into horrible people)

Sorry to hear you're going through this - I'm not trying to excuse his behaviour, but it screams resentment and deep unhappiness about either his own life or your relationship. Do you think he would agree to counselling?

Thanks I've only just seen the last two messages. Yes Jumalan funny you should ask, he was inexperienced when we met, and insecure/jealous etc about my past. Just googled the signs of mid life crisis and interestingly he's ticking pretty much all the boxes, but has done for years.
In the 'good' or neutral times when I get a glimpse at what he's feeling, it's that life is boring, there's no joy in life, we never do anything fun etc. I often feel that a lot of the joy in my life has been extinguished since we've been together, but in those moments when he's shared a bit I try to be open and motivating. "OK, what do you want to do? We can do whatever you like" etc. But he can never quite put his finger on anything concrete or at least doesn't share. And if I try to arrange anything (which isn't often to be fair) he would know about it because he's hyper alert to every thing that goes on, and he'd tend to shut it down. Doesn't want money spent etc.
It could well be resentment about our relationship, feeling trapped or whatever, but I don't think it's just that. I think he feels and has always felt in his bones that life has dealt him a bad hand on all counts, but (unless there's things in his youth I don't know about), I don't think it's based on the facts of his life as much as how he feels.
He absolutely won't go to any therapy, as a couple or just him, point blank refuses, doesn't even let me bring it up.
I felt we were at crisis point when I started this thread but I'm back to tolerating at the moment, I've not really followed the advice in the thread but I have thought a lot about it and am grateful to everyone for all your thoughts.

Sometimes we have to sit on things for a bit and mull things over. Just know that you deserve a happy life whatever happens.

"I'm not trying to excuse his behaviour, but it screams resentment and deep unhappiness about either his own life or your relationship."

I agree and I want him to be happy too. In fact I find myself always trying to make him happy and never quite manage it, or not for long. But the situation always somehow ends up making me unhappy.

Thanks Pinkbonbon, I appreciate this

Sorry to wax poetic again but...dark things scramble for the light but they can never really achieve it. They don't try to grow it for themselves, only to STEAL it from others.

By contrast, light, warm people try to shine light even into the darkest places.

But the thing is, these people cannot be lit up. It's like trying to light up a shadow.

Try as you might they will never lose their darkness. They will only consume your light.

We cannot save them. And if we're not careful, we lose ourselves to the dark, trying.

Don't say sorry, I need to hear this. I'm very much torn and a bit broken, but a big part of me knows you're right and knows things would be better following the avice in this thread, scary as it is.

You asked why he may do this - some people cannot handle any kind of stress, anxiety or difficult feelings. They experience them as discomfort, that makes them angry and desperate not to feel that way, and they deal with that by nit picking small things. My step dad is like this. Its really horrible.