I feel like DH doesn't even like me. It's like he's always looking for a fight. This is especially the case when we've been apart and come back together, i.e. if I come home from somewhere, if he comes home from work. He's often this way anyway, but especially in the 'seeing each other after a few hours' apart, it's probably a 90% bet he'll pick a fight about something, usually as the first thing he'll say. It could be why I haven't made food, or if I make food it could be because it's too much carbs, or not enough meat, or healthy food with nothing fun, or too much salt. Or if the food is nice, he'll criticise the fact I didn't take the bins out as it's bins night. Or pick me up on why I said what I said in a family WhatsApp group earlier. Or why did I buy this cheese instead of that cheese. I know this sounds a bit storm in a teacup, but it's often not even what he's saying but how he's saying it, it's just very hostile and angry in a quiet, non-shouty way. He's not in any way physically abusive.
It's hard but I always try to start every new interaction like a clean slate, with love in my heart, some lightness and a smile (but not too much). But it's relentless.
Partly because I'm trying to jump through all the hoops to avoid this, I can be sensitive and defensive myself when he brings stuff up, and I've often over-reacted myself. And then it becomes an argument where then it's all why am I shouting or whatever and a lot of the conclusion of that is that I jumped down his throat, I end up saying sorry later but he'll say nothing, often not even acknowledging my apology let alone apologising for his part in anything.
There's a lot of silent treatment etc which I find very difficult because I like to straighten things out straight away.
I'm trying to be less defensive, and I've been doing quite well with it. But then he'll just carry on prodding at different things almost like he's trying to get me to bite back. The only thing that really works is leaving the room and going to a completely separate part of the house for a few hours, because in fairness he would almost never folllow and carry on arguing in that kind of scenario.
He does a lot of the household chores etc and in many ways has a strong sense of duty towards the family home. But towards me, on feelings and emotions, nothing. The vast majority of the time it's a very humourless, unforgiving environment. Sometimes there's lightness or to be more accurate it's probably more of a 'neutral' space than positive, and hardly ever any indication that he actually likes me, let alone passion or intimacy. And there are times when things are 'OK', which I find myself clinging onto, but it's like anything I say or do, or literally anything else, could switch that. So I also feel like I'm constantly on eggshells even when he is in a good mood, which then does make me more prickly myself when he inevitably does switch.
Sorry for writing such a long first message, and I'm not entirely sure what I'm asking. We have young children and breaking up feels way too scary. But I know the relationship is taking a big toll on me so it is hard. And he refuses absolutely to go to therapy or even talk about any of our issues one to one. It's almost like he sees me as an enemy. I think more than anything, I'm wondering if anyone can shed light on the possible reasons for this behaviour, because he's very much a closed book. It's got (much) worse over the years, especially with the stress of children, but looking back it's always been in the mix.