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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Ignoring poor mental health-would this upset you?

33 replies

creamandcookies2 · 22/09/2024 16:52

Name changed. Have had some issues in my marriage which i have previously posted about, currently trying to work out what's normal and what isn't. Had a disagreement with H this week, basically about his work and me not getting any rest, always being the one to change my work around him and sort out childcare. He isn't one for discussing things or arguing so walked away. I suddenly felt so down and anxious I had to walk out the house, felt i was having some sort of breakdown, got on two buses then was walking around in the cold and dark for three hours, my reaction went between quietly sobbing and breathing fast, as if having an anxiety attack, i felt pathetic and embarrassed as I'm normally so composed. H messaged me once with a snappy 'where are you?' He was asleep when I got in, then the day after completely ignored me, didn't say goodbye for work or talk to me, gradually over the week i started saying small talk and ten for him it was like we were back to normal. Then as usual, the only affection he showed was today when he grabbed me from behind and said some sort of innuendo while groping me. This is a pattern with him, he only shows affection when it's sexual.

Am I being unreasonable to be hurt by this? He knows I suffer from depression and anxiety, but seems to take everything personally and didn't seem to care about how I was the other night? We rarely argue because he doesn't like confrontation and I want to keep the peace. If I say I'm not happy with something he will often say, 'your being nasty, you don't love me, you want someone else,' so it's very hard to be honest. On the occasion where iv really upset him, iv sobbed and apologised and asked for forgiveness and he has just sat there so coldly, with no attempt to comfort me, and he never apologises. Just says something like 'OK, that's enough'. Is this normal for most men, do they struggle to talk about emotions and feel uncomfortable, and that's why he reacts the way he does? or is it that he just doesn't care?

OP posts:
gotmychristmasmiracle · 22/09/2024 16:59

You feeling okay now? Sounds very lonely, do you have a good friend you can reach out to?

Terrribletwos · 22/09/2024 17:03

Sounds like you were having a panic attack or a very real need to get away from a abusive situation.

I had to do this. Really needed to flee.

Terrribletwos · 22/09/2024 17:05

From reading more it does sound like he just doesn't care. Can you escape?

Terrribletwos · 22/09/2024 17:08

You have sobbed and apologised and he has sat there so coldly.

He's awful, you need to leave now.

CrunchyCarrot · 22/09/2024 17:15

No it's not a normal situation OP, he's abusive and you need help. Is there anyone you can talk to about this in real life?

Autumnismyfavouritetimeofyear · 22/09/2024 17:29

Not sure if your problem is really anxiety or depression or it is being married to a knob. Its hard when someone has a lot of strong feelings - he may be burned out - but it is equally possible that you would have better MH if you were married to someone who seemed to care about you.

MasterpiecesofthePuzzle · 22/09/2024 17:34

Blimey some people on here love the “you need to leave now!!” Like the OP is in imminent danger 🙄

I would agree with others it sounds like you had an anxiety attack and it sounds like your H has issues for sure. You really need to sit down and communicate. Tell him how he made you feel. My DH doesn’t argue. He grew up in a house with domestic violence so whenever we have a confrontation he just won’t react. However, we’ve had to learn how to be more open over the years.

creamandcookies2 · 22/09/2024 17:54

Autumnismyfavouritetimeofyear · 22/09/2024 17:29

Not sure if your problem is really anxiety or depression or it is being married to a knob. Its hard when someone has a lot of strong feelings - he may be burned out - but it is equally possible that you would have better MH if you were married to someone who seemed to care about you.

I do have anxiety and depression and have had it for a long time. It has hot worse over the last several years. I'm not always easy to live with because of it, I am an extreme worrier.

OP posts:
creamandcookies2 · 22/09/2024 17:58

MasterpiecesofthePuzzle · 22/09/2024 17:34

Blimey some people on here love the “you need to leave now!!” Like the OP is in imminent danger 🙄

I would agree with others it sounds like you had an anxiety attack and it sounds like your H has issues for sure. You really need to sit down and communicate. Tell him how he made you feel. My DH doesn’t argue. He grew up in a house with domestic violence so whenever we have a confrontation he just won’t react. However, we’ve had to learn how to be more open over the years.

Thanks for your message. Yer iv wondered if he has an issue with confrontation, he doesn't even let me complain at a restaurant if we get the wrong food and gets annoyed if i do lol! I have tried to communicate over the years, but as said before he takes it very personally, and often tells me I'm being nasty, and that I must want another man or to leave him. He's always very mild but sometimes he gets v angry, he did the other week when I said i feel he doesn't trust me with finances, he went bright red with anger and screamed, it was 0 to 100 in about ten seconds. So I'm not really sure how to.communicate with how I feel when this is his reaction. Do you have any ideas, with your husband being similar?

OP posts:
creamandcookies2 · 22/09/2024 18:04

I know it was a panic attack, iv had them on and off for years bit they have really got worse the past year. That's how felt,I just wanted to escape out of my skin! I have been thinking about getting private counselling and mentioning some things about my marriage that worry me along with help for anxiety. He has sat there coolly before when I have been sobbing in apology, once when I was pregnant, before we got married, so I'm not sure if its just his way of dealing with things.

OP posts:
category12 · 22/09/2024 18:05

Did your previous threads tell you he's emotionally abusive?

It sounds like any time you challenge him at all he shuts you down horribly. The silent treatment is also an abusive behaviour.

Also groping you and making sexual comments when it's unwanted and you're not on good terms is closer to sexual assault than it is to affection.

MasterpiecesofthePuzzle · 22/09/2024 18:07

This sounds so similar. What was his own parents relationship like? I’m also very anxious and sensitive. Overthink everything and shoulder most of the responsibilities of the finances and our 3 teens. Could you go out for a meal, have a glass of wine and see if he opens up? Is he stressed at work? In debt? He seems to be exhibiting extreme emotions and you need to explain calmly how he’s making you feel. My H is nearly 50 now and he’s definitely got much better at communicating as he’s got older.

creamandcookies2 · 22/09/2024 18:17

MasterpiecesofthePuzzle · 22/09/2024 18:07

This sounds so similar. What was his own parents relationship like? I’m also very anxious and sensitive. Overthink everything and shoulder most of the responsibilities of the finances and our 3 teens. Could you go out for a meal, have a glass of wine and see if he opens up? Is he stressed at work? In debt? He seems to be exhibiting extreme emotions and you need to explain calmly how he’s making you feel. My H is nearly 50 now and he’s definitely got much better at communicating as he’s got older.

I'm not sure. His mum did say his dad was a bit of a misogynist. I am an overthinker too, but you sound like you have a lot more on your plate. He has also just turned 50. I don't know if he's in debt, he doesn't disclose his finances and we don't have a joint account. He does work hard though. I just don't know what to say anymore because he doesn't react well when I tell him he's making me feel bad. I think it just mostly hurts that he can't even talk about emotions or my mental health, wont even give an affectionate hug, but he can turn anything into a sexual scenario and has no trouble with physical touch. Just wasn't sure if this was what men were like in general from what iv heard.

OP posts:
MasterpiecesofthePuzzle · 22/09/2024 18:25

Unfortunately I think we have the same ‘type’ of man. My FIL is a massive misogynist/violent and inappropriate around women. Thankfully my husband is estranged from him but I do worry that the damage was done during his early years. Could your anxiety and MH be exacerbated by your perimenopause? I know mine is. Now on HRT which is helping xx

MsCactus · 22/09/2024 18:27

I feel like you're not well suited. The best partner for you will make you happier and your depression/anxiety more manageable - it sounds like he makes yours worse.

It's not about who's right or wrong (imo he sounds closed off/uncommunicative and your response sounds dramatic, and I say that as someone who has suffered with panic attacks for years, so I do understand how you felt). Even so - it's not about which of you is right or wrong - I just think it sounds like you don't bring out the best in eachother. You can try counselling but I'd look for someone else

MissSkegness1951 · 22/09/2024 18:33

He's emotionally stunted and doesn't appear to have an empathy or compassion.

No affection unless it's sex would make me give him his marching orders.

My husband is always there for me to rest my head upon his chest, whilst his arms hold me close, his soft and kind words soothe me and he will alway comfort me even if it's not something he would get upset about.

Affection m, understanding and kindness are very important in a relationship and you greatly missing out.

He's a cold fish and won't change.

outdamnedspots · 22/09/2024 18:35

category12 · 22/09/2024 18:05

Did your previous threads tell you he's emotionally abusive?

It sounds like any time you challenge him at all he shuts you down horribly. The silent treatment is also an abusive behaviour.

Also groping you and making sexual comments when it's unwanted and you're not on good terms is closer to sexual assault than it is to affection.

All this.

He's not a good man and you're not happy with him. That's all you need to leave him.

I hope you have someone in RL to talk to.

creamandcookies2 · 22/09/2024 18:39

@category12 @MasterpiecesofthePuzzle
I don't know much about his father, he is passed away now. I didn't say I was in peri-menpause, do you think that's what is making me more anxious?
I have also thought maybe my husband didn't have the best example too.

OP posts:
creamandcookies2 · 22/09/2024 18:56

@MsCactus Interesting you say my response sounds dramatic, all my life people have always told me I tone things down too much, what makes you think I'm being over-dramatic? Maybe that's what H feels.

OP posts:
unsync · 22/09/2024 19:18

Your relationship is toxic and abusive. Were you anxious and depressed before? What would you like to happen? If you want him to change, that's not going to happen, so it rests with you. Can you continue to live like this? If not, you will need to do something about it.

In the first instance, I would suggest you see your GP and get some medication to control the decline in your MH. Once that is more stable, you will be able to function more clearly and work out what you want to do.

I will tell you that I spent years in a toxic, abusive marriage and was medicated for most of it for anxiety and depression. At one point I couldn't even leave the house. Since being separated and now divorced, I was able to stop all meds and I no longer have any depression or anxiety. Life is good and I am happy. There is hope @creamandcookies2

Autumnismyfavouritetimeofyear · 22/09/2024 19:54

creamandcookies2 · 22/09/2024 17:54

I do have anxiety and depression and have had it for a long time. It has hot worse over the last several years. I'm not always easy to live with because of it, I am an extreme worrier.

Then he may just be at the end of what he has to give - it is exhausting to be around so much emotion. Have you had any help to get better? I hope you can find something to help you manage. What does your husband say about why he responds this way?

creamandcookies2 · 22/09/2024 19:59

Autumnismyfavouritetimeofyear · 22/09/2024 19:54

Then he may just be at the end of what he has to give - it is exhausting to be around so much emotion. Have you had any help to get better? I hope you can find something to help you manage. What does your husband say about why he responds this way?

Iv been on and off antidepressants for years, but last year after my baby I had a bad reaction so I'm scared to try again. He doesn't say anything about why he responds this way so I don't know if he can't cope emotionally or he doesn't care

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 22/09/2024 20:03

Terrribletwos · 22/09/2024 17:08

You have sobbed and apologised and he has sat there so coldly.

He's awful, you need to leave now.

I agree. He is being horrible, you shouldn't need to put up with this,

creamandcookies2 · 22/09/2024 22:48

@category12 I have been told before that he may be abusive in several ways. That's why I want to find out the reason for acting like he has, particularly this week, because I don't know if he is behaving this way to be manopulative or if he can't cope/I am draining him as other posters have suggested.

OP posts:
creamandcookies2 · 23/09/2024 09:06

@unsync I was on medication for post-natal depression last year bit it gave me the worst anxiety attacks I have ever had, so I don't want to try thay. I agree though I need to do something because I feel like I cannot cope. I don't want to get up in the mornings, I dread every aspect of my life And I'm not sure if its him being emotionally distant or even toxic or me being the difficult one.

OP posts:
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