How do I get through the next few days

[Nosignalnorelationship]

I told my partner I couldn’t continue in our relationship about a week ago. We have two young children and I am burnt out. I work nearly full time but do the lions share of pick ups and I’m frequently stepping in when his work takes priority so I have to drop mine and work around all that and the impact it has on my work. I do all the housework. I do all the early starts with the children whilst he sleeps.

He often goes away with friends and after not even getting a text from him to check in, I flipped and said it was over and we need to sell our house etc. This pattern of me calling an end but then muddling on has been happening for nearly a year. He puts up barely any resistance which makes me feel rejected and then I have second thoughts. Something about him making no effort really to save the relationship makes me feel like I need to somehow win him back. It’s ridiculous. I don’t get what I really need deep down. I just feel I get older and sad and more weary feeling like I’m wasting my life.

He has an anger issue and he has hit me, shoved me etc before and a couple of weeks ago he raised his fists to me in front of the children. I know that’s a redline but I’m pouring my heart out because I’m so confused and the emotions are so complex and overwhelming.

We have a lovely house in a lovely area and I’ll have to give that all up and change lifestyles which feels quite a lot to give up.

Last night after he seemed so unbothered about me making arrangements for the house being valued, I broke down. He said he didn’t want to talk to me and kept moving away from me which made me feel more desperate to talk to him. I know I should’ve been stronger and left it but when saying I don’t understand why he never takes ownership of the issues I asked him if he still loved me and he said no. I felt like I was breaking apart there and then. I sobbed and he told me stop and to leave him be and when I didn’t, he put his sound cancelling headphones on until I just had to walk away. I have never felt so low. He later said we could talk tomorrow and that he doesn’t see love as binary like he was backtracking.

I know I deserve much more than this but how do I keep it together? How do I stop myself talking to him and crying and looking desperate in front of him. He is acting like he can just talk to me causally and I can’t bear it. I don’t know what to do. How do I get through the next few days to stay strong, keep my dignity and make him see I deserve respect. How do I keep it all together for me and the children and don’t end up like last night.

Thank you for your advice and support. I really need some strength.

I'm so sorry you're going through this it sounds unbearable!

Is there anywhere you & the kids can stay for a few days? Your parents? A friend?

I would also get in touch with women's aid! You're being abused & need some support!

www.womensaid.org.uk/

Sorry that sounded really curt!

I would report your post & ask to have it moved to the relationship board - you'll get lots more support there!

Try & hold on to how much better your life will be without this loser!

He’s treating you with contempt. He knows he’s got away with it before and rather than following through, you backtrack each time. This sounds like the little girl inside you who didn’t get recognised/shown enough love as a child. You try to exert boundaries, but he’s learned he can call your bluff back/emotionally shut you out/act like he didn’t care because he knows that will trigger your inner child hurt and you’ll respond by desperately trying to get his love/attention/validation and reassurance that he ‘does’ want you and love you and will change his ways to keep from losing you. Your behaviour is not your fault. It’s a trauma response. His behaviour however, is his fault and his responsibility and is the choice he’s actively making, to physically, psychologically and emotionally hurt you.

Forget about the nice house in the nice area. It’s meaningless if you’re in a dangerous and abusive dynamic, which sadly, you already are. It really IS time to follow through with leaving him hun. A leopard doesn’t change it spots. Like the other poster suggested, I would speak with a women’s domestic violence service and work with them to plan your ‘escape’ to try to keep you and your kids safe. A controlling/physically abusive and intimidating partner can increase the level of risk when their partner decides to leave. 1. Because it means they lose an element of control over you and the situation 2. Because they don’t like how you’re being strong 3. Because it may bruise their ego 4. They may see you as their ‘possession’ (which you’re not of course).

No matter how hard we may wish for an abusive partner to change, they rarely do. It’s not your job to ‘fix’ him or ‘rescue’ the relationship. It takes 2 to form a safe/positive/equal partnership. He’s already been abusive, including in front of your kids. Not good. Not safe.

Finances, divorce, where to live, counselling, what to pack/schooling/custody etc are all going to need to be thought about. But for now, keep your cards close to your chest and start quietly finding out info and advice about what help and support is out there for you. Couples counselling is a big ‘no,no’ when there’s abuse involved in a relationship, as often, perpetrators use this as a platform of even more control to try to put all blame and shame on the person they’re abusing.

I'm sorry hun. It sounds like you were invested in the relationship and when we have kids with the partner, this can also keep us mentally stuck in the dynamic. Better to raise the children in a calm, safe, nurturing environment though than one where there’s abuse and intimidation going on. Can you confide in a friend or family member? Can they help you plan a ‘next step?’

Please don’t hesitate to call 999 if he threatens you or hurts you again. That’s no way for you to have to live. You can also report the abuse that’s already taken place if you want to. I’m not in the UK, but it might be called a non-molestation order there? (Other posters might know) Take care. 🙏

Thank you for your comments, I really do appreciate them and I am taking them seriously. Even just having the option to check back here to see if anyone had replied gives me a bit of a distraction which feels essential at the moment.

I'm not a lawyer so you'll need proper legal advice (when offices open next week, look for a solicitor, who's experienced in domestic abuse). So I don't want to get your hopes up but it's possible you'll be able to stay in the house.

Is it owned or rented? If owned, as there's been abuse especially physical violence, and especially because you have children so it's their family home, you might be able to get an occupation order. Occupation orders work better if you own just for practical reasons but I think it is still possible to get one if you rent.

In the meantime as he's been violent, is there anywhere you stay over the weekend? Family or friends?

Also, can you call the DV helpline to get advice from them? Either if he's gone out or if he's at home, can you go out somewhere to make the call? I understand some local ones are closed at weekends (but not all so it depends on your area) but there's the national one that's 24/7 including weekends. It can be very hard to get through but I think you can leave a number for them to call back (you'll need to have time when he's not around to use that option though).

If there's a risk to your safety or your children's safety, although I understand it can feel daunting to call them, there's also the police. They can remove him from the property.

I'm sorry you're going through this. X

He's not going to change and you're in an abusive relationship. He doesn't lift a finger and doesn't care you're exhausted. He doesn't care OP but he likes having a live in maid and someone taking care of his children.

Keep checking in OP. People will come on with support and advice the more you post.

You can't make him treat you with respect, it's too late, he's already crossed that line and there's no going back. He's assuming you won't carry your threat to leave through, as is in the past. Now he's raised his fists to you in front of the kids and by withdrawing from you, made you beg for his attention and affection. You are still there so he thinks he is in control (and loving it).

Once a man has got violent in a relationship it's very rare he'll stop with "just" shoving & hitting - he'll escalate. As @Ratatouee has said, you are also far more at risk at the point of leaving so once he realises you mean it this time he could very well really lose it, so make sure he doesn't find out any plans you are making. Be careful about how and when you choose to leave - it sounds unlikely he'll go voluntarily and leave you in the home so unfortunately you probably need to find temporary accommodation to go to, whether that's family, friends or a womens refuge.

To stay strong & keep it together - focus on what's important which is your safety and the kids. Don't talk to him about any of it even if he tries to start a conversation - avoid him as much as you can and walk away or change the subject. Find your inner anger - how dare he treat you like this? It's hard to cry and follow him around once you get angry (just don't show that anger to him in case he kicks off). . If you can't leave today, at least get out of the house and away from him - take the kids out, go to a friends or the park, anywhere.

Also, please talk to people who can help - Womens Aid, friends, family (if you can trust them). Anyone who can give practical advice and help over the next few days & weeks. On Monday, let the kids schools now in case you need to get out quickly. And don't hesitate to call the police if you need to.

I know I deserve much more than this but how do I keep it together? How do I stop myself talking to him and crying and looking desperate in front of him. He is acting like he can just talk to me causally and I can’t bear it. I don’t know what to do. How do I get through the next few days to stay strong, keep my dignity and make him see I deserve respect. How do I keep it all together for me and the children and don’t end up like last night.

If it helps in any way, keep posting here - as somewhere to offload your emotional pain, and where hopefully you'll get some emotional support, to get you through the weekend.

It's very difficult at weekends because not all support services are open, although there is the national DV helpline. It's very hard to have to accept the relationship isn't possible to save (he's abusive and it's not something you can change).

You've realised that and so, although you say you weren't strong, you really have been. It takes a lot of strength to realise that and to do what you're doing - making plans to end the relationship and also by reaching out on here for support and advice. (Don't say anything more to him about your intentions to end things. It's safer not to when there's abuse).

Also please do call the police if there's any risk to your or your children's safety this weekend.

Youre exhausted, its normal to feel emotional under these circumstances. The only person who should be angry here is you. Find your anger and use that energy to get yourself out of this situation.

Just a quick message because I’m multi tasking here with the children but I wanted to say your comments are exactly what I was hoping to get from here. You are all very wise and this is giving me some structure and confidence. I feel the support strongly and this is helping. We are not in any immediate danger and I have friends and family checking in and I’m going to go for a long walk after bedtime (we live in a busy city centre so it’s possible to just wander) to help get some exercise and gather my thoughts.

It sounds awful OP. Stay strong and follow through with getting the house valued. You do deserve better x

Thank you everyone. How do you manage those feelings of absolute sadness when you watch how happy your children are playing together in your current home.

I would say he would push, shove or slap me/hit me or go to do something then hold back maybe on average once a year, maybe a bit more if I count the ones he holds back. I know once is enough but I just want to give more context. But I am scared of his anger and I see it in his eyes and face when he gets frustrated by the children. My head knows this is all so wrong and the solution clear cut but I feel so very very sad and want it all to go back to being stable again. I don’t feel strong for all the issues and interactions and changes leaving is going to bring. For example, I can’t bear the thought of him finding someone else and dealing with that. Thanks for letting me just pour my heart out.

I really feel for you @Nosignalnorelationship

I know several women who've experienced DV and I know they found it so hard. Devastating sadness, like you say. I suppose it's like you're grieving for what should've been and that takes time to get through emotionally.

I wish I knew how to advise you but I only know it through second hand experiences so can't understand exactly how you're feeling or what you're going through. I wanted to reply to you, despite not being very useful with advice, because I know from friends who have been where you are how lonely they felt at the stage you're at. I hope you're get support here to help you through the weekend.

I don't know if this of any help but can you try to picture a future where your children will be happily playing together - but in a home (whether your current one or a new one) without the presence of an abusive man. A home with a strong and loving mother - and you are strong to be planning getting away from him/getting him removed from the home.

Just to say also. One of my friends told me her abuser started like yours. Infrequent physical violence. It gradually got more frequent and more serious. So you're absolutely doing the right thing in planning to leave now. X

Talk to Women's Aid OP - they will help you with the sadness, and support next steps.

The violence is never ok, and attacking you in front of your children crosses a significant line.

It's horrible now but every day is one day closer to your new life where you don't have to live with someone who hits you. Doesn't care. Is a useless father. A shit head.

My friend text me earlier and I think it’s been echoed on here, but after him telling me he doesn’t love me anymore, I can choose to take back my power. And so with her words now ringing in my ears, here I am, youngest now asleep, walking into town to check out a new bar by myself. I haven’t done this in a very long time. Don’t care if I don’t speak to anyone, I want to be out, walking, looking at fun things and free.

Trying to stay strong and keep myself busy but he’s been asking about where I went last night, who I saw and challenging me about going out later. I’ve said I don’t owe him any of the finer details and that he made it clear he didn’t love me in the cruelest way so I am trying to get on and restore my life. We have visitors coming today and I want to tell them or pretend to be sick but he said I should just be able to talk to them normally. This is so hard to navigate. Tea, toast, checking on here and reaching out to my friends is honestly what’s keeping me going.

Please be careful OP. Going out and about in a city at night and to bars when you are emotionally vulnerable could put you in danger. It sounds like you are in an awful situation at home but you are desperate to hang on to it. I think if you were out of it you could think more clearly and live in peace which would make a big difference to you.

Who are the visitors? If you think they will be supportive I think telling them is a great idea. As your friend suggested, it's taking back your power.

Thank you. You are right of course and I’m being careful I promise. Last night I just walked around the city centre for some fresh air then sat with a magazine and a glass of wine at a new bar just people watching. I was back by 11 but it got me out of the house and gave me a reason to get dressed and feel a bit more like myself on a good day. Tonight I am spending the evening with my best friend who couldn’t be more helpful and supportive so this is helping me to feel stronger but I hear you and I am vulnerable. I’m more likely to throw myself into museums and art galleries than bars to be honest for the distraction (funny how you turn to the things that gave you strength in previous sad times).

It’s his family and he wants us to play happy families because the children deserve to have a happy time with them. Of course he does. I feel like I want to tell them and for them to know just what kind of man their son is but also feel like it isn’t my place so I’m pushing him to do it. Trying so hard to remain dignified in all this.

I can understand why you want to tell his family, but would urge caution until you have the proper support in place and are ready to leave. This is often the time when the abuser realises they are about to lose their control and power and it can trigger a violent response. As he has been physical before, you need to be very careful.

Please get help from your local women's support group to work out the safest way to leave. In the meantime, you can start making preparations. There's a lot of info here on what you need to do, but secure your finances and important paperwork including birth & marriage certificates and passports.

I would go out and leave him to entertain his family by himself tbh. You don’t have to pretend things are ok but it’s also not on you to tell them what’s going on because they will likely side with him anyway.

As long as you feel that your DC will be safe with him and his family today, go out to a gallery or museum etc and have a nice lunch. These are the days that define you as a divorced woman. When you realise you are no longer an accessory to an ungrateful man but you can go back to being yourself, by yourself, for yourself.

Leave him to entertain his family on his own.

Keep a dignified silence while you gather your thoughts and work out how best to proceed with a separation.

Take legal advice.

Tell people that you will be separating: silence is poison, and sunlight is the best disinfectant. It will help circumvent lies and secrecy around the ending of the relationship.

At the first sign of any aggression from him, contact the police. This is non-negotiable. Abusive men are known to ramp up their behaviours when the relationship breaks down.

Contact Women's Aid for advice.

Start planning what your future will look like.

I'm assuming you are not married.