How do I get through the next few days

[Nosignalnorelationship]

I told my partner I couldn’t continue in our relationship about a week ago. We have two young children and I am burnt out. I work nearly full time but do the lions share of pick ups and I’m frequently stepping in when his work takes priority so I have to drop mine and work around all that and the impact it has on my work. I do all the housework. I do all the early starts with the children whilst he sleeps.

He often goes away with friends and after not even getting a text from him to check in, I flipped and said it was over and we need to sell our house etc. This pattern of me calling an end but then muddling on has been happening for nearly a year. He puts up barely any resistance which makes me feel rejected and then I have second thoughts. Something about him making no effort really to save the relationship makes me feel like I need to somehow win him back. It’s ridiculous. I don’t get what I really need deep down. I just feel I get older and sad and more weary feeling like I’m wasting my life.

He has an anger issue and he has hit me, shoved me etc before and a couple of weeks ago he raised his fists to me in front of the children. I know that’s a redline but I’m pouring my heart out because I’m so confused and the emotions are so complex and overwhelming.

We have a lovely house in a lovely area and I’ll have to give that all up and change lifestyles which feels quite a lot to give up.

Last night after he seemed so unbothered about me making arrangements for the house being valued, I broke down. He said he didn’t want to talk to me and kept moving away from me which made me feel more desperate to talk to him. I know I should’ve been stronger and left it but when saying I don’t understand why he never takes ownership of the issues I asked him if he still loved me and he said no. I felt like I was breaking apart there and then. I sobbed and he told me stop and to leave him be and when I didn’t, he put his sound cancelling headphones on until I just had to walk away. I have never felt so low. He later said we could talk tomorrow and that he doesn’t see love as binary like he was backtracking.

I know I deserve much more than this but how do I keep it together? How do I stop myself talking to him and crying and looking desperate in front of him. He is acting like he can just talk to me causally and I can’t bear it. I don’t know what to do. How do I get through the next few days to stay strong, keep my dignity and make him see I deserve respect. How do I keep it all together for me and the children and don’t end up like last night.

Thank you for your advice and support. I really need some strength.

That’s right, not married but the house is in joint ownership.

Really struggling this evening. I just feel like I’m grieving for the person I originally fell in love with and I feel so sad looking at this shell of a man who has some really horrible parts. He still makes out I’m to blame and that he didn’t disrespect me and anytime I get angry, like I told him to fuck off after he did something that really triggered me, he turns on me and tonight he told me that I was doing what I accuse him of doing when he gets angry. I told him he was evil to compare me to him and that I was so sad that the old him had gone. It wasn’t great on my part, I shouldn’t have risen to it but when someone says I don’t want to speak to you now, it is hard for me to react. The way he ignored me and kept telling me to leave, like pointing to the door, telling me I was going in the wrong direction etc, like I’m so kind of animal - it all just wound me up. I’m so angry with him. But I’m so so sad for the guy that doesn’t seem to exist anymore, honestly for him as much as me. I wish he could see this.

See how he is now I mean, not this post!

He's an abusive shit who has physically and emotionally abused you.

Worse, he's done it in front of your children, thus abusing them too.

The man who doesn't exist anymore never really existed, he just managed.to keep the mask on for long enough to trap you. I'm so sorry. Focus on staying safe and getting away from him.

Thank you. I so appreciate every message on here. It gives me a quick boost. The house is being valued tomorrow and I’m going to get myself some counselling to help me get through some of these painful points or find a way to manage my feelings a bit better. I hate acting that way when I’m not in control of my emotions but I can’t help feel that at least I’m being human about this. He’s just appears like a shell with coldness and bleakness inside him.

It doesn't sound like he loves you sorry. Some people can't really

Stop analysing him and the relationship and take active steps to stop wallowing in despair.

Focus on the practicalities: putting the house on the market, dissolving other financial ties, sorting out child maintenance, finding a place to live, decluttering and packing...

You're being very brave. Top priority is staying safe. After that, securing important documents and items like passports, birth certs, mortgage docs.

Can you get together escape bags with the important stuff in them + clothes and toiletries, chargers, money, children's special things etc and stash them somewhere safe like at work or at a friend's house? If he turns nasty you'll be able to get out and still have the essentials. Make sure he doesn't see you doing this.

I've been in the same position as you as well. It's heartbreaking, but I got over it in a year or two. I don't even like him anymore, he's just a bad person to me that ruined my life

I am trying. I am trying so hard to take some actions step by step but it is still unbelievably painful and complex. I’ll probably look back on your comment in a year and smile but I’m also trying to be realistic that it is so hard despite not wanting to wallow.

I know you do. But you know that the wallowing is non-productive and simply feeds more wallowing. You'll feel infinitely better - and stronger!!! - if you rip the plaster off.

Watch Some YouTube videos on resilience and self-esteem. Read Women Who Love Too Much, The Six Pillars of Self Esteem, Attached etc. Pretend you are the person you'd like to be. Exercise - use dumbbells and do kick-boxing (imagine you're punching/kicking him...)

Your future self will thank you if, instead of falling apart, you are strong and rid yourself of this horrible, abusive man.

You'll get there!!!

This gives me a lot of hope, thank you!

Hi Nosignalnorelationship.
Just wanted to come on and say I’m thinking about you . I’m also in similar boat to you and going through a break up . Even tho is was and is an absolute twat I still feel like my hearts been ripped in two and my guts have been wrenched out and stamped on so I know exactly how your feeling x

Thank you for saying it as it is. You made me laugh because there was a moment at the weekend where I needed to push back in a piece of wood on my children’s toy box and in front of his mum, I grabbed a wooden toy hammer and I battered that piece of wood far more than I needed to but I was directing that force at him in my head. Everyone in the room stopped talking!

I also told the poor hedge ‘f you’ over and over yesterday as I cut it back. That poor hedge has more coming for it too.

Concentrate on what you and your DC deserve and need. You know this man cannot provide this any more. You are capable and will get through the tough times ahead.

aw babe-you are holding onto a string.the baloon popped a while ago.
do YOU. (he reaally isnt thing)kids need a happy mammy,non negotiable and no compromises avilable.

Oh my goodness, I’m so sorry @Isittoolatea. Thank you for thinking of me as you are also going through this. I’ll keep you in my thoughts too and maybe we can draw some strength from eachother somehow? You describe it so well, it’s so painful isn’t it? I really appreciate you telling me and I wish you so much strength and peace and I’m with you xx

Yes we need all the strength we can get right now . I just wanted to let you know I’m not sure where your based but when I first contacted domestic abuse the waiting time to be allocated a case worker was 6 weeks so if you want to get the ball rolling with that I suggest you contact them soon .
Yes it hurts like hell and I’m mad at myself for trying to remember the good times even though the bad times have been absolute torture and hell. My ex has also turned stone cold and treats me like I’m a piece of dirt on his shoe and acts as though l meant nothing to him even tho we had been together 15 years so I know how you feel . I can’t eat, sleep , don’t feel like I can function but somehow I am . Feel like my life has ended and my whole world has come crashing down . I know exactly how you feel . I’m here if you need to chat xx

Thank you for letting me know about the waiting time. I think I’m still in a bit of denial about that side of things.

It really sounds like you do understand and I am so very sorry you are going through this. It is so hard to navigate and function and be present for the children and somehow get work done. I’m going to try to sleep now but if it’s ok, I’ll send you a private message in the morning? I hope you do get some sleep tonight and will keep you in my thoughts xx

Yes try and get some rest I’m going to try and get some sleep now too .
Im still in denial about that side of things too , keep telling myself he only beat me up 3 times but it’s 3 times too many . Also it’s the emotional abuse , that’s hurt a hell of a lot more than the physical abuse . I have children too although mine are abit older than yours . You can message me anytime .
good night xx