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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Last in the priority list

40 replies

PriorityLast · 21/09/2024 01:52

I've been with my partner for a couple of years now. We "romantically" got engaged quickly and then he postponed the wedding as we're trying to buy a house.

At the moment I feel at the bottom of the priority list. I've barely seen him this month and it isn't going to change until next month. At one point I could talk to him about it but I've already said I don't like it and whilst he agreed he said it was all circumstance. He's right a lot of it is. But some of it isn't and his free time he's chosen to see family, friends, colleagues and watch sport over seeing me properly. Again, all reasonable things but all together just make me feel like shit, like I don't matter as much as Bill at work.

I feel really "dropped". It's plaguing my thoughts. I'd like that to stop. What should I do. My life is highly stressful at the moment and I feel really unsupported. Like I've been dumped when I just need someone to have my back.

OP posts:
Josette77 · 21/09/2024 01:55

Do you want to be in a marriage like this? He's not going to change.

I think you need to find someone more compatible.

RogueFemale · 21/09/2024 02:00

He doesn't sound like husband material. Your partner for life should make you feel loved, wanted, the best thing ever in his life, etc. This isn't happening with this bloke.

My experience with men is that the good ones don't make you feel insecure.

BaguetteLady · 21/09/2024 02:14

He's postponed the wedding and now he's spending a lot of his time elsewhere. This is not a good situation for you, OP.
I would be plotting my exit strategy.

Original poster
PriorityLast · 21/09/2024 02:29

Is there any chance or not really? Should I raise it again or just go about my life?

I feel really downtrodden and sad. I said I wouldn't get upset over a man again after my last relationship yet here I am. I need a plan.

OP posts:
BaguetteLady · 21/09/2024 02:45

Of course you feel downtrodden and sad. Don't beat yourself up for having those feelings.

I'm not a great believer that talking about things always makes them better. You have tried to talk to him, but it hasn't seemed to work. It may be old-fashioned, but I believe that actions speak louder than words.
You've mentioned how bad he's making you feel in several different ways in your post. I don't see that there's anything to be gained in sticking around.

Original poster
PriorityLast · 21/09/2024 03:03

Thanks @BaguetteLady I know you're right. I've always hated that phrase (actions speak louder than words) but it has truth to it. If the shoe were on the other foot I'd ditch certain activities to ensure I could spend time with him because I love him and want too.

OP posts:
OfficerChurlish · 21/09/2024 03:15

At one point I could talk to him about it but I've already said I don't like it and whilst he agreed he said it was all circumstance. Being able to talk with him and have him really listen to you and understand that something is upsetting you (and is therefore important to the relationship, even if it initially seems trivial to him) is pretty crucial. Have you made it clear that the initial conversation didn't reassure you and the issue is still unresolved? If he's not willing to talk again, I'd say that's a pretty big red flag. If he's let it go because he reasonably thinks you're happy with his explanation, I'd raise it again.

I'd probably focus less on what he's DOING - e.g., you went out with Bill three times last week, or you're constantly watching cricket and instead try to say what you're not getting that you need. If you ask for more time and he says he doesn't have it, then I'd tactfully point out some of the other things that seem to be taking priority. MAYBE there's a good explanation - for example, he's up for a big promotion and he's sucking up to Bill and learning about cricket to impress the decision-maker(s) and it's temporary because once the decision is made he can go back to normal - but he should be able to TELL you that.

suburberphobe · 21/09/2024 03:21

I need a plan.

So go for it!

A man who makes you feel downtrodden is not someone you want to make a future with.

Todaysbetterthanyesterday · 21/09/2024 03:27

Do you live together?
If not your plan is simple. Bob.. it’s not working out, detach and heal yourself.

Skippingabeat · 21/09/2024 03:30

I had the same problem with my boyfriend, where he would be busy with plans with his family and friends almost every weekend.
We had a discussion where I told him I feel deprioritized and he listened but nothing really changed. The problem was that, when plans are suggested to him and his weekend was free, he always accepted.
So then I made sure to plan things for us weeks and months in advance and have them on the calendar. Such as concerts, weekend trips, day trips...etc.
Would that work for you? Do you not see him at all or is it a lack of quality time?

Original poster
PriorityLast · 21/09/2024 03:38

No we don't live together. That's another thing entirely.

We do have things in the diary. Recently he has had things booked in with others but then it has just increased to the point where I have 15 minutes here and an hour catch up there. The one evening I kept free as it was the only one he had he's going out again. But I can see him afterwards... I know him. He'll be tired and will just want to go home after about an hour if that. It just doesn't feel worth it.

OP posts:
Josette77 · 21/09/2024 03:52

The good news is you don't live together or have children.

He's not that committed. You need to leave him.

Skippingabeat · 21/09/2024 04:00

I feel your frustration as I was in the same situation and was ready to break it off. I also felt like he was just filling the tiny slots of available time he had with me.

I also became much better at saying "no thank you, I'll pass" to things like he has dinner then wants to come after to his place, watch tv and go to bed. Or he has to wake up at 6am and go run with someone... Unless I felt we're spending quality time together, I preferred to spend my (valuable) time doing something else.

We had a really good summer this year compared to last year and I feel he's finally becoming more intentional about spending time with me, but it took some effort.

Original poster
PriorityLast · 21/09/2024 04:09

@Skippingabeat this is the ironic thing. He said to me the other day that he was upset about us not spending time together.

I thought we had a pretty decent summer too. We had time together etc. But actually now I can barely remember it. I feel like I'm the back up option at the moment and maybe I always was. Nothing else better was going on.

OP posts:
Bgfe · 21/09/2024 04:52

How long have you been together? Relationships generally have an exciting phase then move on (or not) to a comfortable phase of coupledom. I always say to wait two years before committing.
Does he have a sense that you’re just always there waiting for him while he does other more interesting stuff? That’s not healthy.

Original poster
PriorityLast · 21/09/2024 08:06

Been together about 2.5 years.

I feel like he's trying to live a single man life at the moment and he's not considered me. I'm probably being a bit unfair but if the shoe were on the other foot and I said I couldn't see him for nearly a month because I wanted to X Y Z with ABC he would be pissed off.

Some of it is beyond control. Some of it isn't. I get it is disappointing not to do things but you can't go to everything and he's cancelled stuff with me too attend other activities. That stung.

OP posts:
SpringleDingle · 21/09/2024 08:13

I left my last relationship after he cancelled on me (again). He could always explain why it was REALLY important that he did whatever it was this time. He guilt tripped me for being upset and it was generally a bit miserable. I feel your pain. Maybe one more big heart to heart but if he doesn’t want to put spending time with you first then I think he has to go. There are good ones still out there!

TwistedWonder · 21/09/2024 08:16

PriorityLast · 21/09/2024 03:38

No we don't live together. That's another thing entirely.

We do have things in the diary. Recently he has had things booked in with others but then it has just increased to the point where I have 15 minutes here and an hour catch up there. The one evening I kept free as it was the only one he had he's going out again. But I can see him afterwards... I know him. He'll be tired and will just want to go home after about an hour if that. It just doesn't feel worth it.

He’s throwing you scraps OP - please don’t accept being low down on his priority list.

Im all for having lives away from your partner but he’s taking the piss

Original poster
PriorityLast · 21/09/2024 08:25

@TwistedWonder I think that's what I'm worried about. He will just say it's healthy to be doing separate things. But it's not healthy to try and maintain a relationship on a 15 minute meet up. I just feel gutted tbh.

OP posts:
Sinisterdexter · 21/09/2024 08:30

PriorityLast · 21/09/2024 08:06

Been together about 2.5 years.

I feel like he's trying to live a single man life at the moment and he's not considered me. I'm probably being a bit unfair but if the shoe were on the other foot and I said I couldn't see him for nearly a month because I wanted to X Y Z with ABC he would be pissed off.

Some of it is beyond control. Some of it isn't. I get it is disappointing not to do things but you can't go to everything and he's cancelled stuff with me too attend other activities. That stung.

I wouldn’t put up with being cancelled when I’m supposed to be his fiancée.

Are you sitting at home when he goes out?
If so tell him next time that you will go out too. And start planning fun things with friends.

TwistedWonder · 21/09/2024 08:34

PriorityLast · 21/09/2024 08:25

@TwistedWonder I think that's what I'm worried about. He will just say it's healthy to be doing separate things. But it's not healthy to try and maintain a relationship on a 15 minute meet up. I just feel gutted tbh.

It’s normal to have a night out with mates every couple of weeks or so or the odd weekend away but not prioritising social life above you.

He’s living like he’s single and that’s not on

Original poster
PriorityLast · 21/09/2024 08:44

That's how I feel. He's trying to have the best of both worlds.

I don't tend to sit around and mope. I have other things going on and I won't put myself through crying and worrying about someone who doesn't worry about me. I've done that before.

I would also put seeing my partner above socialising with colleagues I've seen all week when I haven't seen my partner.

OP posts:
Sandwichgen · 21/09/2024 09:09

When he comes round after his night out or pops round for an hour, is the result sex? Because that might indicate that he wouldn’t bother trying to see you even for those slivers of time , if it wasn’t for his knob needs

Ratatouee · 21/09/2024 09:39

Oh love, I really feel for you. Please don’t accept his behaviour. It’s only been 2.5 years and yet he’s not prioritising you or your relationship. Please don’t wait around for him. I mean this with kindness towards you. He is showing ‘who he is’ through actions and words. You deserve a partner who will treat you with respect, and as an equal & not make you feel ‘thankful’ for a measly 15 minutes quick visit when he wants to drop by (hopefully, not just to have sex with you, or that’s a WHOLE other level of literally, knobishness).

What would I do I I were in your shoes? Hmmm…I’d seriously consider selling the engagement ring and taking yourself away on a break to somewhere you’d enjoy with the money. I wouldn’t even contact him. How’s he even going to know you’ve gone away if he doesn’t visit you? It might be the ‘wake up call’ he needs?

Culturally, there’s so much pressure on us when we’ve announced we’re engaged and after we’ve told friends and family ‘I’ve got a finance!’ Breaking it off might seem daunting and even perhaps a little ‘embarrassing’ to tell family/friends. But you know what? A couple of weeks of feeling awkward is a whole lot better than a lifetime of being treated second and third best… and if family knew what is really going on, the truth, I bet most would be 100% behind you giving him the heave-ho.

All this waiting around to see if he’ll come see you. Nah. That’s not fair on you at all. You deserve to be and feel, much happier and more secure in a relationship than this. I bet you’re friggin awesome as a person ❤️ If he’s not treating you with respect, with dignity, with kindness and fairly, then please see leaving him as an escape from potential years of future angst and misery. We only get one life. Please choose not to just to ‘exist’ through it, hoping he’ll pay you attention, watching for any signs of contact from him. You deserve better 🙏 Every second you waste hanging around for ‘crumbs’ of attention from him, is time wasted that could have been invested in yourself and/or looking for a new, nicer, fairer partner. Please be kind to yourself and don’t let anyone treat you as second choice to everyone and anything else. You’re no one’s doormat…

Nicebloomers · 21/09/2024 10:41

He’s asked you to marry him to keep you in place for when he wants to fit you in around the other things he wants to do. It’s manipulative and controlling. Everything is on his terms. Why on earth you would get engaged to someone you don’t live with? Call it a day, he just wants you on the back burner going nowhere while he does whatever he likes and it would be no different if you were married.

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