Arguments about living situation

[Silkie12]

We have been together two years and moved in together a year in. When we met, DP lived 30 mins away from me in his own property not far from his parents. He invited me to move in with him but it was too far for my commute etc so we moved into my rented property.

FYI I didn’t grow up in the city we live in but moved here for work several years ago and have lived all around the city. He grew up in the area in which he lives.

We lived in my more central rented property for a few months and then moved into his on a short term basis while I looked for a new job. The plan was always that I would find a new job and then would pay for us to live more centrally (given that he was paying for a mortgage etc).

We started having discussions about where to move to. I mentioned a different area of our city and he straight out refused it saying it was too far from his family. I also suggested we look at house sitting as a compromise to live more centrally for a lower cost while also keeping his property and he shouted that he “would not be dominated in this relationship”.

eventually I said that I wanted to stick to the original plan and find somewhere more centrally for us to move into, as a compromise. He replied that it wouldn’t work for him and I would need to stay in his property for at least a year and be patient until he wanted to sell it.

Surely there are other compromises here? He think I am being ungrateful and I quote “ridiculous” but I always thought a couple should do what suited them together, not just what suited one? Please can someone advise. He wants marriage and children with me but seems to be obsessed with staying near his family in his hometown

he shouted that he “would not be dominated in this relationship”.
That is someone who is training you not to question, or disagree with him at any point. You will be forever walking on eggshells worried if your tone sets him off, or your words or the timing. He's starting on the emotional abuse. He is not someone you should ever have children with.

He's not the right man or a good, decent man. It's time to move out and find someone else who will respect and support you as a true partner.

I often wonder who these men think they are. He will not be dominated? I probably would have laughed. It's not working OP and he can't have a simple discussion so how does that look for the future? He can't compromise and wants everything his own way. He also sounds very immature.

he shouted that he “would not be dominated in this relationship”.

But you will be.

He's pulled a bait and switch on you. You've given up your rental and are living where he wants and that's what suits him.

If you fancy living with him in his area near his family and not having an equal say, then maybe this is the relationship for you. If not, I think you might want to move out.

Yeah I don't think he is thinking about compromise, he's thinking about how to get his own way, by fair or foul means.
It's not a good start if he has that level of respect for you and your preferences.

He's the one trying to dominate you. I honestly think you should either split, or agree that you'll have your own place. Has he a disability or issue that means he can't travel across town to his family? Are they reliant upon him for daily personal care? If not then he just likes being there and probably won't ever leave.
He's clearly stubborn, his way or no way. It's your choice where you live, not his. And voicing your views on such things is not dominating him. This whole thing is a huge red flag.
Marriage and kids? I'd park that one with this particular individual.

Its his way or no way as far as he is concerned. This man is not relationship material at all. I would move back out and end the relationship.

Sorry OP but he’s got you where he wants you under false pretences by future faking and now he’s got the brass neck to tell you he won’t be dominated??? So you’re expected to roll over and just accept it’s his way or no way?? Fuck that!!

In your shoes I’d be finding myself a place to rent where I want to live, packing my bags and waving this one goodbye.

Find somewhere for you to live where you'd like to, and he can continue to live close to his family, if that's what matters to him most.

He doesn't value your suggestions, shutting you down like that, then telling you to move in to his house. Sounds like a bully.

He think I am being ungrateful and I quote “ridiculous”
You are meant to be grateful to him for "letting" you live in his place?
Don't have children with a man who thinks that it's "his" home and "his" money so he gets to call all the shots. He'll make you feel guilty about asking for nappy money. Look for a man who respects you. That type of man takes your opinion seriously.

He sounds like he's enmeshed in his family. That's not necessarily a bad thing but incompatible with your needs/wants.

I'd go back to living separately for a while and have serious conversations about what you each want from life.

The plan was always that I would find a new job and then would pay for us to live more centrally (given that he was paying for a mortgage etc).

So you pay rent for both of you, building no assets. He has a mortgage, possibly renting out his property so someone else pays his mortgage, building his assets? This alone tells me this guy is a chancer, before we get to relationship domination, shouting, bait and switch he's pulled on you. No property anywhere is going to suit him, because he doesn't want to move. In your position I would be running for my life.

I really don't think this relationship is the right one for you long-term. Move back out again, and find your own place to rent somewhere that you would like to live.

He wants everything to be his way or the highway, so hit the highway.

Guy is a red flag. Bin him

Do you still not have a job? I think you need to sort that out if not, get some money together and go back to renting once you have. He has taken advantage of your current situation to change the goal posts, and is starting down an abusive controlling path now that he has the power. This means he will be a nightmare to have a child with if you do want that. Id be getting my independence back asap.

Didn't you post this exact thread a couple of weeks ago? Did you not get good advice then?

your response should be “that’s fine but I shall be moving to somewhere that will work for me’” no further discussions to be had as far as I would be concerned

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5168750-feeling-wronged-after-relationship-break-up?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=share

So you’ve got back together since yesterday?

@Silkie12 red flag 1 - why would you pay ‘because he has a mortgage’? Up to him to pay equally for where you are living. Not for you to subsidise his house. Red flag 2 - bossy twat trying to dominate you? No, do not marry and do not have kids. Dump him.

Have a relationship without living together. I never lived with any of my boyfriends as I couldn't stand the thought of a man in my personal space all the time.

He never had any intentions on living centrally, he agreed to get you where he wanted but was always going to renege on any agreement. Him shouting at you was to bully you in SFU. This is who he is, your next move should take that into consideration.

he shouted that he “would not be dominated in this relationship”.

It's still early days so I would give strong attention to this red flag. It's never ok for someone to shout at you.

This isn't going to get better. Get out now before you are more entangled and there is more at risk.

He trapping you. Don't get pregnant and don't marry him. Get your things and go. He's told you who he is, you need to pay attention to that and take action.

The plan was always that I would find a new job and then would pay for us to live more centrally (given that he was paying for a mortgage etc).

That would have been a mad thing for you to do. Why on earth would you pay a grown man’s rent so that he can invest in his own assets? He wants everything to benefit him.