Emotionally abusive relationship - same sex

[Tinafromtheblock]

I’m currently in a same sex relationship that I believe is emotionally abusive and coercive control. I want to leave. Right now I keep going back and forth with doubts, doubts that it’s not abuse, she’s just insecure etc.

Is there anyone else who’s been in similar situation that can share their stories? I’ve tried searching and 90% of them on forums are either about male / female or it’s more serious (they don’t name call, put me down etc - it’s much more subtle such as don’t like me seeing friends, can’t mention exes, no privacy, checks my phone, need permission for friends & family to come over, passive aggressive, sarcastic, flits between low mood and high mood).

Reading others journeys would really help :)

There is nothing subtle about their behaviour towards you.The behaviour is designed to isolate you. Get out of this relationship before your world shrinks even further.

The sex of the partner is not important, the behaviour is. If you are being abused, you need to leave.

The behaviour you describe is abusive. It will not get better, it will probably get worse. You can get help and support from Women's Aid.

I can recommend that you get counselling once you have left to put things in perspective. You need to build strong boundaries to make sure this doesn't happen again as we tend to repeat relationship patterns.

I guess what baffles me is the majority of the time we get on really well. It’s that that makes me thinking it’s not abuse, it’s insecurities

This sounds terrible. It doesn't sound subtle at all - checking your phone, no privacy, cant mention certain people etc. etc. is all controlling behaviour.

I would get out of the relationship, i wouldn't stand for any of that behaviour as it is isolating you from others.

6 years ago, I could have written this exact post. I remember clearly being told I could see my family one day a month, I used to ring my dad on dog walks because it was the only safe time I could call him without eye rolling and silent treatment afterwards for ‘not spending time together.’ The low and high moods were awful and I was on egg shells never knowing what I was going to come home or wake up to.

In my experience it was related to childhood trauma and unresolved attachment problems; this is a reason but not an excuse. It took me years to leave and I was a shell of myself by the end, and so incredibly thankful for the family and friends who remained there despite me all but cutting them off to keep my partner happy. Please, get some help. It won’t get better and you deserve so much more in this life.

In fact this is so similar it makes me wonder if you might be my ex’s current partner. It is absolutely abusive, she might be insecure but those insecurities are being displayed in a way that’s harmful to her and you. She needs help and you need to be brave enough to do the hard thing and leave.

I could have written this myself. Coercive control absolutely is a thing in same sex relationships.

OP, get out. It doesn’t get better.

Yorkshire by any chance?!

Why are you doubting yourself? It doesn't have to qualify as abuse for you to end the relationship. It doesn't matter if the reason for her behaviour is that she's insecure. Why would you feel you had to put up with behaviour from a partner that you're not happy with just because the behaviour might be caused by insecurity?

You have the right to be happy in a relationship and to be treated as you want to be treated. There aren't any rules about what counts as 'bad enough' for you to leave. You don't owe anyone a relationship, whatever their issues are. Be strong. Make a decision that is right for you.

She's doubting herself because her controlling partner has been gaslighting her.

OP, your partner's behaviour is without doubt controlling and that's abusive.
Whatever we want to call it, you are not happy. She won't change. I hope you find the strength to leave. xxxx

You’re focusing on understanding the behaviour rather than looking at the result of it.

If someone burns down a house, they might have been careless with a candle, they might have forgotten to switch off their hair straighteners and gone out or they might have chucked some petrol around and lit a match. The house is still a smouldering wreck.

If someone starts isolating you from your friends and family, invading your privacy and making you ask permission to invite someone around it is going to have a serious, negative impact on your emotional wellbeing. That should come before the ‘why’ they do it.

I was this person same sex relationship.
Years of little changes, not being able to talk to family without passive agressive comments, silent treatment, not allowed to spend time with friends because I was obviously after more and she was insecure, I needed to contribute more money each month, needed to pay for trips and things to prove my love and loyalty. Pick pick pick at every part of me that was strong, she was a bully.

But we had a great time, when it was good it was amazing, I hid in the happy times when I felt loved and everything was an adventure and exciting but those times were becoming fewer and further between.

It happened over time and I didnt know it was happening until I realised how unhappy I was and started to notice what I had lost. I was on egg shells all the time.
I should have left then when I knew I was unhappy and lonely but I was convinced it wasnt her fault and of course I could make it all better.

When I tried to take back control and pushed back trying to reconnect with people, she became agressive and then obvious emotional and physical abuse started but I was financially trapped, I thought I could change things, I was blaming myself and her history and not holding her accountable. I had no friends left and no confidence. This lasted for years! I finally snapped and ended it when she blew up one day, I just walked out and never spoke to her again. I went back to the house when I knew she was at work and moved all my things out and had to start again with nothing.

It had taken a decade to go from happy, to sad, to scared and hurt mentally and physically. The physical heals, the mental is still with me 11 years later.

I am now married to my DW who loves the bones of me, supports me constantly and builds me up every step. She has to hold me together sometimes when my past relationship rears its head in my mind. We never quarrel and work as a team. Life is good again

Walk away while you can. It is not your fault, she can control how she treats you but she cannot control you. You are being abused dont wait for it too become worse.

Regardless of it being a same sex relationship you need to take the opportunity to get out of your are being controlled.

A quick tale from my current life:

DMIL is currently on palliative care with cancer. Her second husband's coercive control has got more extreme with age, and is now making it difficult for DMIL to have visitors or go out when she needs support most (as she heads towards end of life). If DMIL (who held a reasonably senior job, so is no wallflower) had got out earlier her last few months could have been so much better. It's just so very sad to see. SNAFU indeed.

I’m in counselling at the moment thankfully, shall definitely need to work on those boundaries though

I do think her behaviour is down to past trauma for sure, it’s just realising deep down that that doesn’t make what she’s doing to me ok

That’s awful! Sorry for your DMIL. I definitely do not want to end up like that

her manipulation is another thing that holds me back as she will deny the issues or say I haven’t brought it up and will cast me as an awful person to her friends and family.

I think because she drills in it to me (after I initially ended things 2 years ago and then got back together) how I abandoned her, it came out the blue, I didn’t try to resolve it, I didn’t give her a chance to go round in circles about the why. So I’m very conscious of that this time

This really resonates. I do hide in the good times and this has become my/our “normal”.

This is a good and non-gender specific overview of the characteristics of abusive relationships. I think you'll recognise quite a lot.

https://drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html

@Tinafromtheblock Hopefully the counselling will help you maintain good MH, but your other updates just underline that you really need to leave.

You left once, got sucked back in and are being punished for it. Now you need to dig deep, leave and stay gone. It is ok to just go without saying anything. Don't give them the opportunity to guilt trip you again. Cut all contact. You are not responsible for how she chooses to react to you going.

We both have children that live with us, so that makes it even more difficult.

I would love to leave by leaving a letter and not have to deal with the manipulation and the guilt trip, but it feels mean to me

I think everyone saying that the sex of the partner doesn't matter is right to an extent - abuse is abuse - but as a lesbian who was in a twenty year relationship with a woman who gradually took everything joyful in my life and very nearly made me believe I was completely worthless there are subtleties and nuances in same sex relationships that I think might be different. The dynamic is different.
If you have the capacity, now or in the future then I recommend In The Dream House by Carmen Maria Machado. My friend bought me a copy and it was very on the nose in places for me but it really helped.
Please leave this person and protect your children from her if you can. I can recommend that you seek help from your local domestic abuse charity too, I can honestly say the women at mine saved my life.

@Tinafromtheblock - you cannot please abusers unless you are doing exactly what they want you to do.

These amazing times you talk about - I bet they’re when you’re behaving exactly as she wants you to. And in reality they are probably not ‘amazing’ - they probably feel amazing because of the contrast with the deeply awful times and because you’re relieved that things seem to be going well. This is part of the cycle of abuse. In a healthy relationship, everything is more stable. You probably don’t get quite such extreme highs because you don’t have extreme lows either.

There is no way you can break up with her which she will think is okay. For yourself, you need to get out of the relationship. If that means leaving a letter, that’s fine. It’s usually a bad idea to try to break up face to face with an abuser. It will likely lead to more abuse.

There may be reasons why she behaves like this but it doesn’t make it okay. And plenty of people survive difficult childhoods without becoming abusive themselves.

This relationship is harmful for you. You need to get away.