Am I wrong to be getting this attitude about family who don’t visit us?

[Caramelshortcake1]

I’ve realised that certain family expect you to visit but never visit themselves. I don’t want this to be one of those oh my Mother in law threads but they are guilty of this. As are a couple of others.

I’ll use them as an example but I realised that in the years we’ve been living together his parents have visited us without being specifically asked for a birthday zero times. We on the other hand have gone there so many. Both drive and in lates 50’s and no health issues. We have a child and she is 2 and they have never come to see or play with her. They may text give her a hug from me but won’t make the effort to come and visit. We live 10 mins drive away.

I have now come to the conclusion that I’m not going to continue to update them or visit because I’m going to match their energy. This applies to others who don’t bother also. Am I being a selfish brat?

No

And what does your husband think?

I haven’t really said anything to him to be honest. I think he is used to never being visited so it’s all normal for him to think a msg is enough. It’s not for me so I’ve stopped messaging them personally. He msgs what he likes. I’ve also stopped prompting visits. Eg if on the way back from somewhere I prompt visits to family that make and effort to visit us for a cuppa also. I get the feeling and I may be wrong that they aren’t interested. I think they have asked him behind my back what my problem is as I’ve just kind of dwindled communication. I don’t know what he has said.

At some point in your life you start to recognise the "friends" who make absolutely zero effort and expect you to do all the running. Most people step back when the light dawns and I don't see why family are any different. Interest goes in both directions.

If they are interested they will reach out. If asked, I'd simply say it suddenly dawned on you that there was no contact unless you initiated it, that you didn't think they were interested and that perhaps you were bothering them unintentionally. So you stopped.

Said in a mild non confrontational manner there is little that can be said back.

Thanks. That’s kind of it really. When we all met I wanted a good relationship with his parents especially and I really made an effort. I feel like I’m the only one wanting this so there just feels like no point anymore, it’s obviously not what they want sadly and I do feel I’m pushing something that isn’t there. It’s their loss really. Some are the family are really lovely and take interest which is nice.

Have they been invited at other times?

Do you think your ILs feel they need an invitation to visit you especially now you have a child? I have a couple of gc and I must admit I wouldn't feel comfortable just popping around either of my elder dds especially the younger one. I'm sure they'd make me welcome but I'm also sure there would be talk of how busy they are and how it'd be best if we scheduled a visit in future.

YANBU. After ex and I split, I made the effort to travel to visit (in another country, and we stayed in a hotel, we weren't welcome in anyone's home) my ex-MIL and the kids cousins.

They have never visited us.

The breaking point was when I discovered that ex-MIL had visited her son (my ex and his new son) but hadn't bothered to visit her grandsons/my sons - not even for a quick hello picking him up from school or for lunch/dinner. Despite my eldest absolutely adoring her, and us having lived together for a year (plus my visit to her)

That was so far over the line into unreasonable, that I couldn't tolerate it.

I think sometimes one person does end up being the one who does all the visiting etc. I do this but it started because it got me out of the house lol! I think you should say it-invite them over or say we’d love to see you more just can’t get out as much as we did if you could come over here etc etc? Everyone just gets bogged down in their own day to day!

I'm in my early 50s. My children visit me, I visit them, its a two way street. However alot of the older generations , my parents and grandparents won't visit, we are expected to visit them. This was seen as standard, and what was expected of the time. My parents always went to my grandparents to visit, I was expected to visit my parents etc, maybe it was a respect thing , I'm not sure. I'd open up a dialogue, or get your husband to open up a dialogue with them to see what their expectations are. Maybe they are unaware thay they are doing anything wrong.

My MIL would never visit me without an invitation. She would be worried about imposing or coming at an inconvenient time. Having a mum who didn’t give a toss about stuff like that, I thought my MIL was being stand-offish, but luckily, my SIL explained what was going on, so I made sure to invite her regularly from then on.

It’s a good thing when in laws don’t turn up unless they’ve been invited. If you want them to come over more, invite them to.

I am the MIL in this situation.
I never get invited over to see the children unless I'm needed to babysit. The children then normally end up at my house then.

I always feel I'm imposing. Often if I ask if I can visit I am always welcomed but my DIL family are also there. Her family are included in everything, I feel like we have to beg for scraps of time.
My son is hopeless at keeping in touch. I text my DIL to see how everyone is esoecially around first day at school etc.
I agree with the pp about matching energy but it feels like if I don't impose myself I would never see them.

In fairness to them, I'm of the same generation and I find it hard to visit some people without being invited. Ask them to visit you, they'll probably be pleased.

I don’t know what the issue is really. They seem to like to talk the talk but not walk the walk. I don’t think it’s my job to maintain their relationship with their grandkids. I’m extremely welcoming (in my opinion) invite them around for all occasions. They barely said 2 words at our daughter’s 1st birthday. On the occasions we’ve asked for some help they make excuses. They sound on social media like they involved grandparents but in reality they do nothing. They just won’t have any bond with their grandchildren. Im lucky my mum wants a bond and she is always involved and visiting and helping where she can. She loves their company.

Do they ever offer to have your DD at theirs? Does your DH not visit them?

Two things.

First. Lots of people don't want to drop in without being invited. I personally hate a spontaneous knock at the door, but love guests when I'm prepared.

Second. It's both of them - the Mil and the fil. As you've said them. Why single out the mil to vilify?

No. We have asked but the mum makes excuse after excuse I’ve given up asking. They haven’t seen them for months and had a gift they brought them from their holiday. Unfortunately my partner had to go and collect the gift because they are too busy to come and give them it, what with the food delivery and all!!! So it’ll be even more months. I’m not making the effort anymore.

Well she has no issues visiting their other son. We live 10 mins from them and they don’t think to drop in to us also.

Sorry he doesn’t drive and she has control of all the decisions. The dad in person is actually ok and can have a good chat with.

If you ask the dad it’s always we have to ask mum and she makes all the decisions.

My mum never visits me and it is really hurtful. I moved away after uni 1.5 hours and to her that meant I was more or less dead to her and if she missed my phone calls she wouldn't bother to ring me back because "I chose to move away."

Any years later I live ten minutes away and still it's 100% on me to make the effort to go and see her. I do but not very often.

My son is moving 3.5 hrs away for work. Amazing opportunity but already I've been looking at air bnbs for me and my younger son to stay in so we can explore the area and visit him in the evenings.

I think it's selfish and hurtful to expect people to visit you and not do the same.

So I would still visit if I was you but a lot less as they clearly aren't interested.

It’s not just visiting, it’s calling messaging, showing interest of any kind. Surely level of interest is equal to how they show it?

I'm in my late 50s and I do struggle a bit with messaging and WhatsApp and I really don't like video calls. For various reasons I don't tend to initiate conversations but I do respond. I much prefer telephoning but I feel dd2 in particular likes to fit me in for a video call whilst she is cooking etc.

Well, this is definitely not on you, as you’ve described it. They are near, they’re mobile, they are disinclined to bother even dropping over a gift. It’s very unfair on your LO that the GPs don’t seek to develop a relationship, and it’s disingenuous of them to imply they have to wait to be invited.

Invite them more often.

Maybe they feel they are imposing as your mother "is always involved a
nd visiting and helpful where she can"
Not everyone likes just popping in on the off-chance.

I found that out when I moved. Friends seemed uncomfortable. I now don't just drop in which still feels odd with friends.

We tended to be the ones on the motorway alot of the time visiting family all over the UK.

We have never lived close enough to family to just dtop in

Keep the lines of communication open. You never know what is truly going on in someone's life. My mum hid a serious illness as not to worry me. M I L favoured her single mother daughter and grandchild. Her view was that I had her DS, my DH, to help my SIL did not. SIL didn't live in UK so MIL would often visit her to help out. Which was very understandable and accepted by her children and grandchildren.

No one knows what goes through people's lives accept them for who they are and what they are prepared to give.
You are lucky that your Mum lives close enough to help.

MIL wasn't good at play when children were under 5 but was better as they got older.