Would you get annoyed

[Cherryxbananas]

I don't understand my boyfriend. We don't live together. It's been 4 years. He has health issues. He hasn't worked for a year now and he is becoming more and more rough if I'm honest. It's sad. He used to take pride in his appearance. Hair cuts every 3 weeks. Always looked smart. Liked fresh white tshirts and socks. He has always smoked weed but as I said above he worked and always looked smart. Now he hasn't had a haircut in 2 months. He has been given a second hand Coat that had a hole in the elbow and he just looks ill! I help him with meals and things so I'm not neglecting him if he needs something I try to help.

He has been diagnosed with chronic depression. It's the worst type from what I've read. He sleeps alot when he's not with Me. He's getting more and more unreliable. When he's at my house he seems to be able to get up. He sometimes nods off on the sofa and he's not one for late nights. But overall he helps me around the house and we cook etc. The minute he goes home it's like he's living a different life.

At least 4 times (including yesterday) in the last month he's let me down..he messages around 8am says he will come up if its my day off from work. I'll take my children to school. Then come home. I then can't get hold of him. I'll get a message of him around 2pm saying he nodded off again. Then around 5pm he will then dissappear again until the following day.

I got a message of him at 4pm yesterday and rang him 10 Mins later. Still haven't heard a thing.

I'm starting to suspect something is going on.

Apart form the replies I'll get about leaving him what do people think.

It seems very off to me that these long periods of time are passing and he vanishes

Why on earth do you stay with him? Move on and find a partner, not a druggie who needs you to care for him.

You may aswel have not replied I've literally just discouraged this unhelpful reply.

Could he be using other drugs do you think? Could you speak to or seek help from any of his friends/family?

I am suspicious. I think his depression from stopping work has led him down this road and I just don't know anymore. He's just getting worse and worse.
His parents have died. His daughters I'm not so keen on speaking to about it as it will anger him I think.

That was not an unhelpful reply. He is an unemployed drug addict who needs you to take care of him and still hasn’t committed after four years. Why would you want someone like that in your life, let alone your children’s? Your bar needs to be miles higher.

Well he could be stoned or asleep by the sounds of it.

Do you think he's cheating on you?

Seems like he's on a downward trajectory.

Are you getting any help or support? I think you might benefit from talking to a professional about a. how best to support him and b. how best to preserve your own well-being while doing that.

What do you get from this relationship - if you can call it that.

I would not bother responding and see how long it takes for him to realise.

Does he just come to your house for sex, food and sleep, do you ever go anywhere together or is he using you as a convenience.

Are your children young as I would not want someone taking drugs to be around them.

I think it is time to tell him he either sorts himself out and gets help and tells you if he is using other drugs as this is no way to live. He needs to be honest.

Stop waiting for him to pick you to spend time with and then letting you down. It will only get worse as he thinks he can let you down and you accept it.

I know he might get angry but I think you need to seek others for support. It sounds like he might need an intervention (I have no experience if this is a thing other than on tv!).
I am sure you want to help but he isn’t your responsibility.

Have you talked to him about his lack of contact and how you find it disrespectful that he doesn’t let you know what’s going on?

Have you called around to his when he doesn’t reply to see if he actually is asleep? As you suspect something else is going on, how can he ensure he provides you with reassurance? Can you agree he will let you know when he needs to step away/sleep??

Unfortunately depression can make people very unreliable. Is he seeking help to address the depression? Having a partner with mental health issues can be very tough. I’d seek some support from a mental health charity for yourself.

I would dump him because I find weed smokers deeply unattractive.

Don’t try and “save” him op. Let him go. It is a shame but he seems intent on ruining his own life. And you don’t want to involve your dc in this.

I was going to say there’s not necessarily anything going on if he is terribly depressed and he sleeps during the day.

But the fact you don’t hear from him after five or overnight would suggest he might be involved in harder drugs than weed.

Either way, he’s not your responsibility. You sound like a very caring person but he is going downhill and it’s not within your power to stop it unless he wants to do that for himself.

He’s unreliable and unproductive, potentially dishonest, relies on you for meals, and is seriously mentally ill. He’s not a great role model to have in your home.

I know he can’t help being seriously depressed but he is in no fit state for a serious relationship which should be reciprocal.

The only way I would tolerate this sort of relationship would be if there was complete transparency and trust there between us, and he was actively taking steps to get better and to get back in work such as going to gp, seeking medication and talking therapy, taking vitamin D and other supplements, eating healthily, exercising etc. And trying to stick to a routine.

The fact that you are not sure what is going on tells you that this relationship is deeply flawed. It’s hard because you are obviously fond of him. But op, wake up, you are the one making all the effort here! You deserve far better. Time to end it on the grounds that he needs to get himself together if he wants to be a serious part of your life and that of your dc.

It’s hard but as long as you stay with this man you are not open to forming healthier relationships. Love is NOT enough. Especially when you have dc.

Maybe pause and have a think to yourself too, why are you tolerating this?

Good luck 💐

Oh you have DC. In that case run like the wind. You already have enough caring responsibilities.

You don’t want people to tell you to leave him but after reading your post anyone in their right mind would advise you to

im not doubting his depression but the weed certainly will not be helping things.

as a PP has said - what do you get out of this relationship? Depression or not he doesn’t seem to want to change, how long do you hang around for and try and force that change? He has to want to himself and it doesn’t sound like he does. This could continue for years OP. You’ve already been together 4 years and your relationship is no further forward than it was at the beginning, if anything it’s gone backwards because you’re putting the effort in whereas he isn’t.

I do appreciate the honest replies. He got sick and he probably won't ever get better now. The honest truth is I don't know how many more years he may have left and I k ow I need to walk away on one hand. But it's not easy. I think he may be overdosing to sleep on pregabalins. I have spoken with the crisis teams etc and many times they have told me to look out for myself. But it's easier said than done. Still heard nothing

Simply the long term effects of being a weed user... I married one unknowingly.. Don't think you can save him. You can't. Save yourself.

He's messaged saying he took too many tablets. It's ridiculous! I need to speak to his gp.

No you don't. Leave him to it.

The only thing you need to do is call the police and an ambulance if he threatens to off himself and then he'll stop that shit straight away. Trust me.

Op raise your bar and get rid of this loser. He'll be angling to moving in next. Do better for you and your kids.

I have spoken with the crisis teams etc and many times they have told me to look out for myself.

Yes, so start doing that. Maybe try talking Adfam (or something similar), which provides support and advice for the families and loved ones of addicts.

Research co-dependence and whether you might be enabling him rather than helping.

Start ringfencing your time, money and energy for your kids first and yourself. He has other sources of support in his own family and health services. You can't save him, only he can do that.

Ask the police to do a welfare check then block his number.. You aren't the Samaritans...

Why have you tolerating this druggy into your childrens lives?
He is not your responsibility, your children are.
You need to make better choices....for your childrens sake.
He is not a project for you to fix.
His weed is his priority.

No, you don't.

You need to call him an ambulance if you believe he's overdosed and let the mh crisis team deal with him.

Your post is all about him! What about what you want and need? Stop mothering him, he is not your responsibility. Honestly I would stop messaging him at all - you will probably find that he doesn't bother either. Take a huge step back from this

I've been on antidepressants since my late teens - never have I been diagnosed with chronic depression (it may helped if the asd ADHD diagnoses came 40 years earlier but different story)

He's made that up. What medication has he been prescribed and what dose?

I suspect it's a big fat spliff whenever suits.

Leave him.

To be blunt, hes not helping himself here. Hes smoking weed and doing god knows whatever else you dont know about, yes he’s depressed but its got to come from him. Id be depressed if i didnt have a job, wore second hand clothes with holes on, slept all day and smoked a shit load of weed.

save yourself here love, youve tried, your flogging a dead horse. “I need to ring his GP” ffs are you his mum? Perhaps he needs to hear some home truths directly. This is ridiculous. Leave him to it and go live your life!!!!!

Why would you ring his gp? If he knows he has taken too many tablets, he needs to ring himself and get advice.