Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Relationship with mother

29 replies

grandplan · 19/09/2024 09:36

I have a strained relationship with my mum. It's got to the point where we don't talk anymore and I'm so sad.

I was having a conversation with her the other day and said sometimes I feel like I work constantly and would like a break sometimes. We have primary aged twins and I work full time.

I wasn't criticising her at all but she flipped saying she was busy too and couldn't help. She told me to get a smaller house if I couldn't cope with what I had on my plate.

Our mortgage has doubled over the last two years. The cost of living has also increased. I've been through lockdown and had zero help with childcare during the early years as childcare was so expensive.

I'm just being civil with her now. I don't know what to say to her.

OP posts:

redrascal · 19/09/2024 09:41

Oh that's not great OP. I'm sorry things are hard work and you don't feel like you have support.

Do you ever ask your DM how she is or is it perhaps one sided without you realising? I imagine your DM is 60/70s - she may have her own issues that are playing on her mind.

Maybe rephrase your comments or try concentrating on some positives - no one likes it when people (related or not) are always a "glass half empty" type of person.

Hope you get support you need though - it must be very hard with twins.

FoxtrotOscarKindaDay · 19/09/2024 09:45

What does your partner do? Do their family help?

You might feel like it was a casual conversation but maybe she feels like you are always saying the same thing and it's a guilt trip on her. She clearly works too if she's said she's busy too and she's raised her family.

lovenotwar149 · 19/09/2024 09:49

I have a strained relationship with my mum.

So do I. It's quite common. I would try talking to her and explain how you feel using 'I' statements rather that 'you' statements. (You may have already done this) . Imo someone with empathy will listen and take on board how you feel and listen with understanding to your perspective too. She may agree/disagree and then hopefully she can express her feelings/thoughts and you likewise will listen with empathy and understanding too, each taking on the others feelings and perspectives. Then some middle ground can be achieved.

If you both achieve this...gold stars for the both of you!! My mum hasn't the awareness to engage in this way, she is the 'mother' who knows best, so 2 way adult to adult chats dont happen. I see her once a month and we talk about her ailments and cooking, weather, gardening etc Its civil but not close at all, and nowadays I accept it fully without sadness on the whole. Good luck! :)

Original poster

grandplan · 19/09/2024 09:51

I ask her if shes ok and she just says yes. My parents have everything I would need to be happy. They have a mortgage paid in full and are due to holiday in a couple weeks.

She cares for my grandmother even though she has access to carers and additional family members helping her.

I think we just need space for a bit 😢💔😭.

OP posts:

lovenotwar149 · 19/09/2024 09:52

My parents have everything I would need to be happy. They have a mortgage paid in full and are due to holiday in a couple weeks.

Thats how you see it remember...she may see things differently

MontyVerdi · 19/09/2024 09:58

Sorry to hear this OP. I think it's really common. I'm not in contact with my Mum.

Your Mum may not feel she can help. Whatever the reason she's not going to be able to lean in or even just be a listening ear.

I'd downgrade cleaning/house organisation expectations and ask partner to do more. I know the little ones won't be a huge help but if you could get the whole family involved that would set the groundwork for the future.

My house is currently a right state and I'm on annual leave so am doing a blitz. Plan is to rope teenagers in to do more. Husband is not the most organised but is trainable 😁

I understand where you are coming from. It's been a tough few years and the mortgage increases have been hard, coupled with the rise in the cost of living. Sometimes you just need someone to talk to.

category12 · 19/09/2024 10:00

Sounds like she feels pressured or guilty.

What was her experience of raising children like? You sound a bit jealous that she's got the house paid off etc, but presumably they worked to get to that and have already been through the same life stage you're at.

I don't think it's entirely reasonable to be a bit pissy that she's choosing to care for her mum rather than have carers in and have more time & energy to help you instead.

Original poster

grandplan · 19/09/2024 10:05

She never got any help either. I think she does feel pressured.

I missed out this bit actually where she started venting to me that she never had any time either. She never has time to do the things she wants to do but I don't understand as she has the mortgage covered and no children.

OP posts:

category12 · 19/09/2024 10:15

Presumably the caring responsibilities she has etc put her under pressure, emotionally and practically. Is she still working full-time?

Sometimes people expect the women in the family to pick up responsibilities towards elders and children, and to do all the emotional labour, while the men don't even appear to be considered as options. What's dh doing, what about his parents, what about your dad?

Original poster

grandplan · 19/09/2024 10:24

She's retired.

OP posts:

TipsyJoker · 19/09/2024 13:10

grandplan · 19/09/2024 10:05

She never got any help either. I think she does feel pressured.

Maybe she didn’t want to take on anymore because she put her children first when she raised them and put her own wants on the back burner, (as so many of us do) and never got to do the things she wanted to. Now she’s looking after her mum. So, maybe she is still putting her life goals on hold to care for others out of obligation when she is resentful and depressed that her life has essentially passed her by? It’s not always about having the mortgage paid and no kids. Maybe she wanted to ride through Italy in a sports car with the wind in her hair and never got to? I’d suggest talking to her. Ask her, “Mum, I’m concerned about you because you seem unhappy. Are you ok?” Maybe instead of stepping back, you need to step up and have a bit more empathy for your mum. She did it all on her own and prob thought once her children were grown she’d be able to prioritise herself but she can’t because she cares for her mother and feels pressured into caring for her grandchildren now.

Original poster

grandplan · 19/09/2024 13:13

I understand and I am usually a positive upbeat person but as you can appreciate - sometimes with twins it gets hard. All I said was I'd love the extra time sometimes and she blew up on me.

I don't have the capacity at the moment to deal with her depression as well. And she probably thinks that about me too.

OP posts:

letmego24 · 19/09/2024 13:17

I think it's true that people don't always feel they have capacity- mental and physical. Older people can get burnt out and are just thankful they've managed to see their own kids to adulthood and can relax a little. What might help if you are sad is instead of talking to her about doing things, help, further demands on her etc make it a more emotional dialogue eg you like spending time together and miss her.

MontyVerdi · 19/09/2024 13:18

Is she depressed OP? She probably hasn't the bandwidth or energy or motivation to do anything then. And seeing her own Mother decline must be hard.

MontyVerdi · 19/09/2024 13:18

Sounds like you're both overloaded.

Original poster

grandplan · 19/09/2024 13:20

A good suggestion. I'll get upset if we start taking about it. I do miss her. I think she might be depressed.

OP posts:

category12 · 19/09/2024 13:23

So what other options do you have to ease the load for you that aren't your mum? What about the men?

Maybe if she felt there wasn't an underlying hope/expectation she'd be less explosive?

Maybe she's right about downsizing if you're overstretched financially and practically?

letmego24 · 19/09/2024 13:24

Well you can keep it light - has she got time for a catch up maybe food one night when the kids are in bed. Do some nice things together rebuild the relationship without demands

letmego24 · 19/09/2024 13:27

You see mothers often feel guilty so can get cross when they feel somehow put in the wrong - but it's about seeing each others point of view.
Bottom line is you need to make changes to manage things

Sawitch · 19/09/2024 13:58

TBH you sound like my daughter OP. She's continually moaning about being tired and overworked. I sympathise with her as I remember what it's like to work full time and have young DC, but there's only so much I can do to help. DD comments that I'm retired so it's easy for me to do as I please and therefore shouldn't be tired or stressed. I'm single and help to look after 3 sets of grandchildren, including hers, and also oversee the care of DM, visiting her 4 times a week!
I sometimes feel the need to take a step back from her comments, but don't as I also want to support DD.

Original poster

grandplan · 19/09/2024 14:35

Maybe best if I don't offload on her. Have kept things apart for now.

OP posts:

FoxtrotOscarKindaDay · 19/09/2024 14:43

grandplan · 19/09/2024 10:05

She never got any help either. I think she does feel pressured.

She's caring for her own mother.

She's raised her children. She's paid off her mortgage. That didn't happen miraculously.

She's already got obligations for care, she needs time to herself. You are sounding very entitled that your mother owes you to care for your children now too.

FoxtrotOscarKindaDay · 19/09/2024 14:46

Why isn't your children's father sharing the burden?

Original poster

grandplan · 19/09/2024 14:56

He does. We both work full time. All i said was that it would be nice sometimes to get some respite. We used to stay at our nans sometimes actually. Sleepovers. My kids never sleep over.

OP posts:

OhDearMuriel · 19/09/2024 15:06

She shouldn't have snapped your head off like that.

If you can't have a little moan to your mum about things from time to time, somethings not right.

Has she always taken things out on you? Have you always been the scapegoat?

I would be quite wary of her, which is such a shame, because if it was the other way round, I'd want to know how my DD was feeling whether it was good or bad.

Flip

1 2