Is this getting things on your own terms?

[lovenotwar149]

So recently I have been told...'you have to have things on your own terms!'

This hurt a lot. BUT I dont think its true. Let me explain.

As an older woman I am quite clear on what I want/dont want in many situations now. I am also quite clear internally in many situations, as to what is ok with me and what , lets say, doesn't work for me/is not ok with me.

Example 1: Going out for a meal with a friend. I want to split the bill halfway. They want to pay for it all and me pay for it on the next meal out.

I see that this could work well except the 'next meal' may be in 6/7/8 months time. In which case no one will remember who paid last time, so I suggested that we split it, b/c of the time span as to when we will next meet.They saw this as formal and as I was 'getting my way.'

Example 2: Going out for a drink/meal with a friend. I didn't want desert , they did. Because I said no to desert, they didn't want to have any alone, so no desert was had. They sulked about the fact that I got my way. (I had no prob with them having desert btw)

Example 3: Wanting to go home earlier than most people from a party. People have commented 'dont wanna be late for your bedtime!'

I have no prob with other ppl staying out later than me, but I wanna go home now. What's not ok with that?

Am I missing s'thing?

This all sounds very trivial to me.

Every example, just a non issue.

Do what you wish to do. I wouldn't let others comments deter me from my stance.

Whoever is making those comments is being very petty imo.

All of the scenarios are perfectly reasonable on your part and if I were in your company wouldn’t bother me in the slightest.

Is this from mostly the same person?
If so it reads as, you’re not being controlled as easily as they’d like.

Your issue may be caring what other people think.
Or maybe having sheep for friends.

Everything you have said sounds sensible to me. We’d get on, I think! 🤣

Boidont

Mostly yes

SensibleSigma

Let's go out!! But I wanna split the bill mind!! lol

If it’s one person, then that person is irritated at not getting their way the whole time.

DM is a bit like this. Knows best and knows how everyone else should behave, which coincidentally is always the way that works best for her and least well for them.
She recently made a child cry because she wouldn’t stop talking and let anyone else get a word in edgeways.

We’d have a good time, and still be tucked up at home before we were past it 🤣

None of what you describe sounds particularly important or worth anyone else getting annoyed about. I wonder if maybe you might think about how you express your wants and what is and isn't OK with you to your friends? That might be a major factor.

As a previous poster said, if it's just one person saying that then it's possibly just them being over-sensitive. If it's a few people you might want to reflect on it, especially if these friends are important to you.

You sound very strong-minded (good thing) but perhaps a little unempathetic (not so good thing).
It’s up to you. If doing what you want as and when you want is more important to you than allowing your friend(s) to feel heard and accommodated, then carry on!

I’d probably suggest that there’s a balance to be had.

All sound reasonable to me.

1. I much prefer to pay for myself unless others I am with have all had similar, otherwise I find it can work out unfair - you might order something cheap as that's all you can afford but a friend might be splashing out (especially if they think the bill will be shared out). Also I don't drink, so that becomes another issue. Also what happens if you meet up and grab just a coffee and light bite and the next time is a meal - who would pay then? Does the previous arrangement still apply?!

1. I can understand the friend not wanting to order dessert if you aren't. It always feels a bit awkward eating when the other person isn't. I also find it makes you look greedy by doing so. Not a reason to sulk however.

1. I am also someone who goes home early. I don't care what others think about that. Late nights are not for me. There issue not mine.

Is this one person who is saying you have to have your own way or just one person? Because all your examples sound pretty trivial.
The first example, I’m assuming the other person wanted to pay it all and said you get it next time and you said ‘no I’d rather split it because I don’t know when we’ll meet up again’ in which case how can you argue with that and they would be ridiculous to complain. Because I can’t imagine the situation was that they wanted you to pay it all and they’d get it next time. Unless the person really wanted to treat you and felt offended? Sometimes that just gets said so someone can treat someone else and has no intention of letting them pay the next time. Even so, nothing wrong with insisting on going halves.
Situation 2, again, ludicrous. People can have dessert or not and it has no bearing on whether the other person should or not.
Situation 3, again, silly. People can go home when they like. You might get a reputation as a bit of a party pooper but who cares? Your decision has no bearing on others.

Dont over think this. Sounds like it’s the other people/person who likes things their way!

In all of your examples you have been totally reasonable, as I am sure you know, but just possibly you may not have been kind?

I don't mean you have deliberately been unkind - but sometimes, depending on the exact circumstances, it can be appropriate to deviate somewhat from our own most preferred course of action, in order to make someone else happy.

Take the dessert one for example. My daughter is like this - she will want a dessert but won't have one unless I have one because she feels genuinely self conscious eating things like that alone. I love my daughter and want her to be happy, so if I don't want a dessert I will still try and find a way to compromise in order to make her more comfortable - for example some restaurants now do mini dessert options where you get a petit four type thing with a coffee. Or maybe I will order a fancy coffee to come while she has the dessert, something like that. So that we are both happy. Of course I could just say, I am not hungry so I am not having one, you are being irrational, just have one if you want. That would be reasonable. But not kind.

Do you see what I mean? I wasn't there for any of your examples so I don't know what happened. Maybe you used a hectoring tone of voice? Maybe you came across as not listening to the other person or caring about their feelings?

I'm really not trying to be horrible OP. I obviously wasn't there, and maybe you handled the situations perfectly and your friends are just dicks.

I do find in general that Mumsnet, despite it's many many good qualities, can tend towards a somewhat right wing attitude that, as long as you aren't breaking any actual rules, it's ok, preferable in fact, to ruthlessly pursue your own interests without considering others' feelings. And that putting yourself out to help others is often a sign of weakness. From that point of view, your behaviour is of course fine.

It's all in the presentation OP. I had (sadly passed and much missed) a friend who 'knew her own mind'. That was fine but sometimes her presentation was a little too emphatic. She also had a very responsible job in a regulatory body which might explain some of it.

On one occasion we were in a cafe and she was very loudly expressing an opinion on what I wanted to order. I was forced to say '(Friend), I'm ordering a sandwich not dumping radioactive waste in water. Tone it down and butt out.'

Thankfully she was also pretty thick skinned.

Sounds fine to me, OP. I genuinely think that women who have an opinion on something are seen as awkward. Can you imagine a man sulking because his mate didn't want a dessert?!

On a related note, waiters are always surprised when they make a show of asking me "is this table OK?" and I say I'd prefer a different one (in an empty restaurant - I'm not expecting anyone else to be ousted from their seat). Again, women are expected to yield to the status quo.

The same with saying a polite "no" to a question that clearly has a yes or no answer.

So have things on your own terms. You don't need to justify it. Why shouldn't you? Get your own way whenever you want.

I don’t s The any of that as insisting on having things n your own terms. Rather, you’re reasonably expressing a preference.

Also with the paying for a meal out, the bills can vary hugely from venue to venue so it's not fair.

Always better to split at the time.

I think you're hanging out with weird people who want to push back on these standard things.

Who on earth sulks about not having dessert especially when you never even wanted to stop them having dessert?

And the bedtime comments - just shrug and say, "That's right." And off you go.

People love to make comments about other people's choices. You can either take them and fret about them or just ignore them as you go on your merry way.

OP I hear you. Similar age to you - and more and more clear on what I want and dont. I dont have a lot of time for people who wont do something unless you do. And I do think there are a lot of easily bruised egos out there - its bloody exhausting to be tiptoeing around them.

The first one is fair enough.

The other 2 - have a coffee or small dessert 🤷🏻‍♀️, parties etc leave when you want - I tend to just slip away rather than a grand exit.

It would annoy me if it always had to be your way though - should be give and take.

You sound old before your time.

Thank you so much people, I really appreciate these comments.
I guess I really have to an age/state where I do know, pretty well anyway, my wants/needs/values/negotiables/non-negotiables. Its come with ageing I think. I definitely am way less people pleasing than Ii used to be. Maybe a bit cut and dry these days. I have a 'you do you and I'm gonna do me stance' a lot of the time, which I guess is quite 'separate' so to speak. I see it as autonomous however. Idk

beanii

You sound old before your time.

I'm not young!

You sound fine. The other person is verging on controlling.

Someone said similar to me once. It was more a reflection of their lack of confidence and being unhappy with their lot. You sound awesome.

Example 2: Going out for a drink/meal with a friend. I didn't want desert , they did. Because I said no to desert, they didn't want to have any alone, so no desert was had. They sulked about the fact that I got my way. (I had no prob with them having desert btw)

Just say let’s split and let them order their dessert and ask for two spoons. Just have one mouthful then you have shared and they have had their desert.