Is this getting things on your own terms?

[lovenotwar149]

So recently I have been told...'you have to have things on your own terms!'

This hurt a lot. BUT I dont think its true. Let me explain.

As an older woman I am quite clear on what I want/dont want in many situations now. I am also quite clear internally in many situations, as to what is ok with me and what , lets say, doesn't work for me/is not ok with me.

Example 1: Going out for a meal with a friend. I want to split the bill halfway. They want to pay for it all and me pay for it on the next meal out.

I see that this could work well except the 'next meal' may be in 6/7/8 months time. In which case no one will remember who paid last time, so I suggested that we split it, b/c of the time span as to when we will next meet.They saw this as formal and as I was 'getting my way.'

Example 2: Going out for a drink/meal with a friend. I didn't want desert , they did. Because I said no to desert, they didn't want to have any alone, so no desert was had. They sulked about the fact that I got my way. (I had no prob with them having desert btw)

Example 3: Wanting to go home earlier than most people from a party. People have commented 'dont wanna be late for your bedtime!'

I have no prob with other ppl staying out later than me, but I wanna go home now. What's not ok with that?

Am I missing s'thing?

Why would you eat something you don’t want to please someone else? I hate desserts but am obviously ok with others getting it which op is too

@Harry12345 because the OP is having to deal with a sulking friend.

You sound fine OP

ForPearlViper

'(Friend), I'm ordering a sandwich not dumping radioactive waste in water. Tone it down and butt out.'

Look

I meant looool

Ilovelurchers

I appreciate your long and thoughtful reply yet I do find myself with a differing perspective. I can see where you are coming from though.
Thank you for your thoughts

Could it be in the delivery? For example, I knew someone who, if we went for a meal, would’ve said she was ok with me having a dessert but in reality would go quiet, sit looking really bored and like I was keeping her if I had one. Similarly, if we went out shopping she would say ‘ooh I want to look in this shop’ and I’d go in with her and chat to her while she was browsing, but if I said ‘I want to look in this shop’ she’d say ‘ok I’ll wait here’, and would stand in a corner looking like she didn’t want to be there. If we planned to watch a film, it had to be at the time she suggested because she had a very rigid bedtime routine.

So while the person I describe above wasn’t ‘wrong’, I did start to feel like she was annoyed with me unless things were on her terms.

kitteninabasket

I did start to feel like she was annoyed with me unless things were on her terms.

I would too! No I dont behave/feel like that. Like I said earlier I'm very...'you do do and I'll do me.' So in the example of a desert, if I want one I'll have one, if I dont I wont. And VICE VERSA. Perfectly happy to have one alone if the person I am dining with doesn't want one, I have done this, and perfectly happy to wait for someone if on that occasion they want a desert and I didn't.

I think its important for BOTH people to have what they want, I like win- win situations. I believe this can be done too....it certainly works with my hubby, its other women that it seems not to

They are basically accusing you of being controlling, yet they are trying to control you to do what they want in return. It’s childish behaviour.
You are a grown woman, do what YOU want.

DustyLee123

Well thats interesting! That's really my perspective too

its other women that it seems not to

I mean certain other women ...in my experience anyway
Didn't mean to generalise there, apologies

sounds like they might just be twats then

OMG I have been spelling what is known as a sweet dish after a main meal with 1 's' rather than 2.

Note to self its deSSert not desert!!!

Did anyone else notice?? I cant stop laughing!!!

kitteninabasket

looool. Funny!!