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Relationships

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Original poster

What constitutes cheating?

32 replies

whogoesthere · 20/04/2008 19:48

I am in a pickle.

I have been having online chats with a male friend and it's turned into something a bit more - a bit 'racy' - and over the past couple of weeks it's become extremely intimate and personal.

We've both said we're just messing around (we're both married with kids) but I've just read another thread about the fact that just because nothing physical has happened (and it hasn't) doesn't mean that isn't cheating.

We see each other occassionally as we have mutal friends (we have actually been friends for years on and off) and although it's a tiny bit awkward we've never mentioned anything face to face.

I am attracted to him but would not take anything further, I love my DH and DC and wouldn't do anything to hurt them. We have both agreed on this..... yet there is a connection and we have good fun together.

I have a feeling I'm being naive.

OP posts:

posieflump · 20/04/2008 19:50

you are being naive I'm afriad
just think how dh would feel if he read your racy chats
people feel guilty for a reason

sorry... probably not what you want to hear

CountessDracula · 20/04/2008 19:50

How would you feel if your dh could see all your conversations?

If you are hiding things and being intimate with and getting your emotional support from someone else then you are betraying his trust.

The consequences can be every bit as awful as a physical affair.

mistressmiggins · 20/04/2008 19:50

the question I would ask is "what would your DH think if he read your conversations?"
that should let you know whether what you're doing is just fun or something that could risk your marriage

SheWillBeLoved · 20/04/2008 19:51

Could be heading towards an emotional affair?

The rule of thumb for me is - if you wouldn't be comfortable with your partner doing it, then that generally means you shouldn't be doing it.

chipkid · 20/04/2008 19:51

I think a good rule of thumb is to ask yourself how you would feel if your dh was involved in something similar. If you would be pissed off, hurt, insecure, jealous and fearful for your marriage-I think you have the answer.

CountessDracula · 20/04/2008 19:51

When you say you wouldn't do anything to hurt dh and dcs

I bet you abillion dollars he would be hurt by this

He might be SO hurt that he couldn't carry on with your relationship
At which point your dcs would be hurt

LadyOfWaffle · 20/04/2008 19:51

It depends I guess - my SIL freely chats and flirts with guys (she is married) but I personally would say (if DH was to do it to me, or vice versa) it's borderline cheating. Would your DH be happy with it of you were totally open? That's really what matters. Some guys wouldn't mind.

chipkid · 20/04/2008 19:52

good minds think alike!!!!!

Original poster

whogoesthere · 20/04/2008 19:55

Yes I see.

I do use him as a confidente and I feel he 'gets' me more than DH a lot of the time.

What is an emotional affair?

Whatever it is I think I should probably stop it. That might be easier said than done.

OP posts:

splishsplosh · 20/04/2008 19:56

I agree with the others. If it's secretive, and you wouldn't be happy for your dh to read it, then it's wrong. Would you be comfortable with him doing this?

What are you getting out of it? is it attention, a bit of excitement? Are these things lacking in your relationship with your dh?

posieflump · 20/04/2008 19:57

'I feel he 'gets' me more than DH a lot of the time.'

this is why you should stop it
you should work on improving your r'ship with dh so that he knows you better
no good will come of it

procrastinatingparent · 20/04/2008 20:00

FWIW, I think a good rule of thumb is whether it makes you feel less content in your marriage. It could be anything, even good things (like spending time on mumsnet ) but if it makes you disatisfied with your marriage, then you should take a big step back.

SheWillBeLoved · 20/04/2008 20:02

I second what posie said.

If you put half as much effort into your marriage as what you seem to do with this other man - then you probably wouldn't be in this pickle at all.

Your husband should be your number 1 confidente, he should be the one who gets you more than anyone else. And if that's not the case - then you seriously need to cut this other man out and concentrate on your husband and your marriage before there isn't one to concentrate on.

LazyLinePainterJane · 20/04/2008 20:02

I think that if you were doing nothing wrong, you would know it. You are questioning what is going on and that tells me you know your DH would not be happy.

If at this point you don't stop......I guess you've made a decision.

beaniesteve · 20/04/2008 20:04

How would you feel if your husband was having similar conversations with a female friend?

ElenorRigby · 20/04/2008 21:06

Thoughts always become before actions.

You are mentally being unfaithful to your DH IMHO. Erm why are you doing this ?

I don't wish to sound holier than or puritanical but personally I would never even look at an other bloke never mind flirt with one, reason being I love DP to bits and therefore could not betray him, even just mentally.

lemonstartree · 20/04/2008 21:45

in my opinion affairs do not just happen. Two parties do not just find themselves having sex. it begins with a joke, a laugh. It progresses to a cup of coffer - that becomes a regular cup of coffee; then its a drink after work, or two. then dinner more and more intimate chat and hey presto two people are 'in love' and the next step, to sexual intimacy is only another small one.

stop this now.

I guess you would be devastated if you found out your dh 'chatted ' like this to another woman ? There is your answer.

SheWillBeLoved · 20/04/2008 21:52

Not to mention the massive ego boost this other man must have knowing he has this effect on a married woman. The reality is, he'd probably shit himself if you suggested taking things further and you wouldn't see him for dust if you suggested being with him instead of DH.

vInTaGeVioLeT · 21/04/2008 00:14

whogoesthere mark my words this will all end in tears delete & block his email address - delete his mobile number - cease contact - it's for the best.

madamez · 21/04/2008 00:28

Have you ever had a talk with your DH about what he and you consider cheating? If not, then at some time you should. Some people are so madly monogamous that they go bananas if their partner ever has any kind of unmonitored conversation with a member of the opposite sex; other people think everything short of penetrative sex is OK, and still other people have consensual open relationships.
There is something in what others have said about: how would you feel if your DH was having similar email conversations with a female friend, but the bottom line is that a couple need to agree on their yardsticks for monogamy after discussing it, not just assuming that the other person feels exactly the same way as you do.

bonniefromboot · 21/04/2008 00:33

Agree with what madamez says. The interesting thing for me was that you said that it was awkward (sp?) in real life.
the beauty of the internet/texting etc is that it is anonymous, even when you chat to people you know in rl you don't have to be completely honest etc...
Is it really worth upsetting your dh over something that in reality probably doesn't exist? For me I would have to say no. How about putting a bit of extra effort in with your dh e.g. special dinner, night out/in, spice up sex life, whatever works for you. It might help you to see things more clearly if you and dh can have a good time together and help you to close the door on the cyber chat etc..

twinsetandpearls · 21/04/2008 00:40

I agree with madamez, dp and I had a converstation about this very early on in our relationship and I discovered that my concept of cheating was different to his. I used to have a text/email relationship with a man that lived to far away from too see in person and dp saw this as cheating and was furious. I did not see it as cheating although I would have been very hurt if dp had done this to me so perhaps our definition of cheating were not that dissimilar after all. Following on what others have said this friendship, flirtation, relationship was making me question my real life relationship.

I think if you want your realtionship with your dh to work you need to be putting the time and effort that this email flirtation is getting into your marriage.

nooka · 21/04/2008 00:50

dh's affair started like this, so I think you are on very slippery ground. An emotional affair is one where you are investing your emotions in someone other than your partner. We all do this to some extent, and it's perfectly healthy, but you have to watch for when the balance tips, and IMO it's when you start thinking that the other person is more on your wavelength than your partner. Plus anything intimate should be totally off the radar unless it is totally in jest. The best sign of this is if you feel relaxed about it and can do it with your partner there and they are totally relaxed about it too. I would suspect that your partner would not be at all relaxed about it. I certainly wasn't, and that was prior to anything serious happening. How do you feel about the idea of cutting contact with this other man? If you feel uncomfortable then you have already crossed the line.

Elephantsbreath · 21/04/2008 00:56

I think it's cheating - unless you are happy to share with your dh the notion that you are having racy online chats with an on off rl friend.

He would probably feel sick if he discovered these emails.

I would stop and focus on your actual relationship and work on the bits that are clearly missing from it.

melbob · 21/04/2008 01:01

This was me about 8 years ag o I wa single but other party wasn't started off as banter and shared interest in poetry which his wife (an acquaintance of mine). We ended up having very provocative e-mail and phone calls and met up a couple of times. In the end I walked away and it broke my heart, we both agreed we were each others soulmate but he had a child with special needs etc........
I have since married with DC and no longer mix in same circles as it was too painful and although I don't regret I really wish I hadn't

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