What constitutes cheating?

[whogoesthere]

I am in a pickle.

I have been having online chats with a male friend and it's turned into something a bit more - a bit 'racy' - and over the past couple of weeks it's become extremely intimate and personal.

We've both said we're just messing around (we're both married with kids) but I've just read another thread about the fact that just because nothing physical has happened (and it hasn't) doesn't mean that isn't cheating.

We see each other occassionally as we have mutal friends (we have actually been friends for years on and off) and although it's a tiny bit awkward we've never mentioned anything face to face.

I am attracted to him but would not take anything further, I love my DH and DC and wouldn't do anything to hurt them. We have both agreed on this..... yet there is a connection and we have good fun together.

I have a feeling I'm being naive.

Personally I think if you've both had to agree 'not to take things further' then you both know that what you're doing is wrong

Perhaps ask yourself how you would feel if DH was doing this

If my DH was behaving like this I would be deeply hurt and feel very betrayed, while it may not be a physical affair, it sounds like an emotional one

Sorry if thats not what you wanted to hear

whogoesthere,

You are being naive. Emotional affairs can be just as painful as ones that become physical. You state also you are attracted to him.

What is missing emotionally in your marriage, why is your husband not your number one emotional confidante?. You need to take a long and hard look at your relationship with your husband and work on why you feel a need to communicate with this other man in the way you do (and I am sure also his wife would not be best pleased. You will be blamed and that friendship is thus over). He is giving you something that your husband is not.

If it were the other way around you'd likely be devastated.

You are not the only one who will end up getting hurt here if this continues. Two families will get all the fallout from this not just to mention all your mutual friends, parents and the inlaws. You need to completely cut all contact with this man as of now.

Different strokes and all that but my rule is, if whatever you are doing would cause a moments hurt to your OH, then it's wrong

Anything where you wouldn't want your OH catching you is cheating. Sorry, you are being naive.

You are risking untold damage to your relationship and so much hurt to the man you (presumably) love. It may be fun, but it's all fantasy and in 99% of cases, just not worth it.

If your DH find out, as he may well do, he will ALWAYS know you have this potential towards being unfaithful, however many time you protest that "nothing happened". But "nothing" you mean sex. "Racy chats" are not nothing and are not harmless.

Unless you are looking for a way out of your relationship/current family set up, stop doing it and stop doing it now. And don't start again.

why are you behaving this way?

I found out last summer that my dh had been doing this with an old workmate. Sending emails to each other that were intimate.

To say I was devastated is an understatement. I was very, very close to leaving him. He maintained that he was not being physically unfaithful but I saw it as being emotionally unfaithful. It took a long time and a lot of effort to fix.

Please stop, if you value your marriage and respect your dh. You're being selfish and you need to treat your dh the way you would want to be treated yourself. Sorry if that sounds harsh, I'm just trying to let you know how damaging your actions potentially are.

show your husband all your chats. If you don't want to....you're cheating.