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Original poster

Should I go on more dates with a separated man?

49 replies

enkelt2 · 17/09/2024 23:02

Hi, so I recently got out of an intense relationship. I wasn't going to start dating until 2-3 more months later, because I wanted to clear my mind first.

But life happened and I went on a date with a man who is currently "separated". He's 39, married 5 years, and separated since April this year. The wife lives with their two kids in their place while he rents another flat and lives with flatmates. They've got two kids. The older one is five and the second one is... well, apparently just 2 months.

I just think it's odd that you would "separate" with your wife when she's 7 months pregnant? I was never married and never had a kid, so maybe my instincts are off... I just want your opinion on this. Is this odd? Should I stop going on dates solely based on this?

I don't think I mind a "separated" relationship too much in the beginning stages-- I would have plenty of opportunities to see if they're really on the path of divorcing. But knowing that they very recently had a child together, I feel that their relationship is better than he'd like to admit? Am I wrong?

Should I go on more dates, just to know more about this person? Or should I end it here? The first date went pretty well, he's very transparent about everything. He's very keen on a second date.

OP posts:
Orchidacea · 17/09/2024 23:08

Others might be more open, but I would personally skip this one. Instincts are there to protect and guide you. Go with them.

GrumpyPanda · 17/09/2024 23:13

Take a gander at some of the threads on the step-parenting board. Then run.

Rainbowqueeen · 17/09/2024 23:14

No

For several reasons. I would have no interest in being a step mother to children this young. Separating with children that young is a red flag. It's very early days in the separation. Why is he dating? I would expect him to be far too busy parenting, moving forward with the divorce and organising an appropriate place to live so that he can do his fair share in parenting to have time for dating.

Of course he's keen to have a second date. A lot of women would not touch him with a barge pole and he knows this

Myera · 17/09/2024 23:16

Your instinct is red flagging you! Save yourself for someone you have no doubts about x

MissHemsworth · 17/09/2024 23:16

Don't get involved.

TwistedWonder · 17/09/2024 23:21

Rainbowqueeen · 17/09/2024 23:14

No

For several reasons. I would have no interest in being a step mother to children this young. Separating with children that young is a red flag. It's very early days in the separation. Why is he dating? I would expect him to be far too busy parenting, moving forward with the divorce and organising an appropriate place to live so that he can do his fair share in parenting to have time for dating.

Of course he's keen to have a second date. A lot of women would not touch him with a barge pole and he knows this

Absolutely this. Chances are he’s just looking for a rebound fling as a distraction.

I certainly wouldn’t date someone with such young child who’s only been separated a few months.

Healingsfall · 17/09/2024 23:21

You're single and child free. He's separated with 2 young children, one who is only 2 months old. I'd not be going any further with this one and as you've recently come out of an intense relationship I'd give it at least 6 months to a year to have a breather and get your own head sorted out before dating again because in the kindest way the fact you're even considering this man and his current circumstances suggests your own self esteem is low. I mean that in a kind way.

Grendell · 17/09/2024 23:23

I'm so old and jaded I'd probably check in with the wife and confirm she knows she is separated. If she confirms the separation, I would ask her what happened for him to leave her while she was pregnant. It's gotta be a really interesting story. And then I'd ditch him.

Dweetfidilove · 17/09/2024 23:32

Rainbowqueeen · 17/09/2024 23:14

No

For several reasons. I would have no interest in being a step mother to children this young. Separating with children that young is a red flag. It's very early days in the separation. Why is he dating? I would expect him to be far too busy parenting, moving forward with the divorce and organising an appropriate place to live so that he can do his fair share in parenting to have time for dating.

Of course he's keen to have a second date. A lot of women would not touch him with a barge pole and he knows this

This right here.

This sounds fraught with impending stresses.

Thevelvelletes · 18/09/2024 00:18

Fucked off and left his pregnant wife.. what a catch.if you've any sense throw this one back.

isthismylifenow · 18/09/2024 05:55

I most definitely would be stepping away from this one.

Firstly it's too soon. He's been seperated for 5 months.

Secondly he has a newborn child, so he left his wife while heavily pregnant. This in itself is major.

This has drama written all over it.

CheekyHobson · 18/09/2024 05:59

I read the first 10 words of your post and my answer was “Defintelu not” and then I read the rest of the post and my answer is “You would have to be nuts to do so”.

crackfoxy · 18/09/2024 06:01

I couldn't date a man who left his wife 7 months pregnant

Alongthepineconetrail · 18/09/2024 06:02

Absolutely drama all over this one for a few reasons:
He might decide to go back to his wife & family - very likely as he's got kids

He might be lining you up to be a live in childminder for when he's got the kids as he's moved on very quickly.

Do you really want to be a potential stepmother?

He'll be financially committed & won't have as much time available for spontaneously especially in the early days of the relationship.

peribaddreams · 18/09/2024 06:04

What @Grendell said.

That has got to be a really interesting story.

GoldenSunflowers · 18/09/2024 06:05

I can’t imagine a compelling back story for this man. He should be spending his evenings with his kids at this stage, giving his wife (the one he still loved enough 11 months ago to plan a baby) a break. I wouldn’t get involved.

Alongthepineconetrail · 18/09/2024 06:06

https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

Stay single and do the online freedom programme to learn about red flags in relationships. Dating so quickly after an abusive relationship has ended is no time at all to help you recover.

Fill your time with hobbies, friends, trips and learn to value yourself. You don't need a man to validate your existence.

peribaddreams · 18/09/2024 06:09

Also, a tiny baby and a 5 year old adjusting to being a sibling; the sleepless nights, the exhaustion. If you've not had children, you can't possibly understand how terribly hard that is. Then throw in a husband who has trotted off to live in a flat with flatmates at nearly 40 and rather than supporting his wife who he cared about enough to have two children with he's on the dating scene?
His poor wife. Don't be next!

ivykaty44 · 18/09/2024 06:20

He is tangled in a relationship that might or might not have rnded

you could his rebound relationship or it could be you become OW unwittingly- if either of those situations are what you’re looking for - this is the man

Pinkyhere · 18/09/2024 07:02

I wouldn't be able to think of anything else other than the wife at home with a 2 month old baby and 5 yr old whilst daddy tries to pull.
Grim

aCatCalledFawkes · 18/09/2024 07:24

Even if they separated amicably the fact that the children are so small and dependant on their parents would be enough for me. Marriages do end (I ended mine) but it does make me wonder why his priorities are currently dating and not parenting. When I was single with two small children it was virtually impossible to carry the mental load and date at the same time.
Also be a good dad he will need to step up and be there for them which means seeing you less or he's not a great Dad and is more available to you which should be another can of worms. Do you really want these options if your single and free?

sunsetsandboardwalks · 18/09/2024 07:28

Why on earth would you even consider dating a "separated" man with a two month old baby to begin with?

MrsSchrute · 18/09/2024 07:37

I wasn't going to start dating until 2-3 more months later, because I wanted to clear my mind first

This was a good plan op, stick with this.

Choosingmiddleschool · 18/09/2024 07:42

Run, run as fast as you can.

CheekyHobson · 18/09/2024 07:51

But knowing that they very recently had a child together, I feel that their relationship is better than he'd like to admit?

The real issue isn't that their relationship might be better than you think. It's that with the exception of the mother having severe mental health issues that put him at risk or that she is seriously abusive*, any man who leaves his 7-months-pregnant wife is scum of the highest order.

*And if his wife is that bad, he should be fighting tooth and nail for custody of the children.